6:45 (2021)

When proposing marriage to the woman you love, be sure to make it memorable. Not most guys’ idea of memorable, which means in public so she feels enormous pressure to accept. And definitely not 6:45’s idea of memorable, which means she’s immediately gutted by a stranger with a box cutter.

Said unfortunate fate befalls Jules (Augie Duke, Necropolis: Legion), much to the horror of boyfriend/bystander Bobby (Michael Reed, Chupacabra Territory), who then gets his neck cranked a sharp 90˚ angle. The operative word of that sentence is “much,” because then Bobby wakes at the titular time in the B&B bed of their romantic weekend excursion and is forced to relive it over and over again, despite efforts to the contrary.

Playing like a downbeat Groundhog Day, this indie thriller from Dark Ride director Craig Singer is built upon a good-enough idea, although wholly unoriginal. Oddly, once the time loop takes effect, interest wanes and thrills give way to dramatics, with which everyone seems not as comfortable handling. Until then, however, I wanted to see where Singer would take it (although not as much as he made me want to see Asbury Park, the iconic New Jersey seaside city standing in for the lovers’ destination of Bog Grove).

6:45’s ultimate twist becomes conspicuous well before intended, which only reinforces its status as a clothes-free emperor — and one who hates playing by the rules, even within the malleability the genre affords. In other words, it’s as predictable as knowing which number a digital clock will display next. Worse, as if you didn’t process the revelation, Singer hits you over the head with it — and over and over again, much like a serial killer who couldn’t find his box cutter and had to settle for a hammer. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Escape Room: Tournament of Champions (2021)

As seems apt for a second entry of a B-level franchise, Escape Room: Tournament of Champions begins in a “last week on …” style befitting of episodic TV. And immediately, the 2019 sleeper hit‘s two survivors, Zoey (Taylor Russell) and Ben (Logan Miller), track the coordinates of the Minos Corporation, the shady outfit behind the invitation-only attraction that tried to straight up murder them, to Manhattan.

Lest you worry your sequel steeps itself in a mudheap o’ mythology, fear not! Like its predecessor, Tournament of Champions is almost solely a series of for-keeps games with true life-or-death stakes. We get a few rounds of electric hangman in a subway car, a cityscape with acid rain, a faux beach that’s actually a giant hourglass and a bank lobby equipped with criss-crossing laser beams. (Regarding that last one, where are Catherine Zeta-Jones and Vincent Cassel when we need them most?)

Each scenario plays out like puzzle pages torn from a Final Destination-themed workbook. Returning writer/director Adam Robitel again has his stock characters somehow solve incredibly cryptic clues under incredibly stressful timelines, so prepare for a lot of this:

Person A: “Time’s running out, hurry!”

Person B: “I found something! What can this mean?”

Person A: “I dunno, but — oh, look your flop sweat dropped on it and revealed an image of a bird and you’re from Boston so maybe it means Larry Byrd of the Boston Celtics? And he spells his name with a ‘Y,’ right? And ‘Y’ is the 25th letter in the alphabet and-and-and is anyone here 25? No? Oh, snap, we’re surrounded by mirrors, so maybejustmaybe it’s really 52! Who here is — what, Jan, you? You’re 52? That’s it, that’s it! Caw-caw, Jan! Caw-caw like the wind!”

Had the movie not racked up a body count, I may not in such a forgiving mood over their deduction powers that take Sherlock Holmes to the nth degree. But it does; therefore, I am. —Rod Lott

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Checkered Flag or Crash (1977)

A Filipino version of the Cannonball Run, the Manila 1000 is a three-day, off-road race involving everything from jeeps and dune buggies to stock cars and stocky Joe Don Baker (The Living Daylights) as driver Walkaway Madden. It also features motorcycles — or “motor-sickles,” if you wish to pronounce it as does race promoter Bo Cochran, played by Larry Hagman (TV’s Dallas) in a hat pilfered from Carmen Sandiego’s entry hall.

Before the start, in a setup soon to be swiped by Safari 3000, a plucky journalist from Stratus magazine (Susan Sarandon, the same year she did The Great Smokey Roadblock) pokes her nose around for a story, so Cochran forces Madden to let her ride shotgun. Dressed in a lumpy-butt jumpsuit that’s less Evel Knievel and more Elvis ’77, Madden is furious, like, “A yucky woman? Phooey!” so you just know they’ll bicker and bitch until they fall into something approximating love or lust. Worry not — we’re spared the sight of a Sarandon/Baker sammie.

Storywise, Checkered Flag or Crash actively works against itself, as if settling to let Harlan Sanders’ boot-scootin’ theme song do all the plotting: “Checkered flag or crash / Goin’ for the heavy green, gonna beat ’em / Checkered flag or crash / There ain’t no in between / So do me right, you damn machine.”

The slight variation from that outline arrives with news of an upcoming stretch of the route suddenly becoming impassable … so Cochran doubles the prize money. This should clear the way for director Alan Gibson (The Satanic Rites of Dracula) to turn in a film that feels faster and more dangerous, yet over and over again, he demonstrates how ill-suited he is for the job.

From Macon County Line’s Alan Vint to Playboy centerfold Daina House as a masked rider, Gibson has all the ingredients within reach to make a rip-roarin’, race-brained hicksploitation pic. Instead, he botches the recipe with confusing staging and editorial choices that are particularly flabbergasting for this subgenre — for instance, slowing down and removing frames from some of the more extreme-speed stunts, which is a technique one level above a photo flipbook.

Plus, with pacing akin to the driving skills of my late, not-so-great stepgrandmother — lay on the accelerator, let up, lay on the accelerator, let up, ad infinitum — you’re better off watching an autocentric film that wastes more gas than it wastes your time. —Rod Lott

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Mother Schmuckers (2021)

Abandon hope, all ye who enter Mother Schmuckers, Belgium’s answer to Dumb and Dumber. The leads, played by filmmaking brothers Lenny and Harpo Guit, are even the human equivalent of Lloyd Christmas’ “most annoying sound in the world.”

As perpetually hungry, poverty-stricken brothers Issachar (who looks like Emo Philips had sex with Elijah Wood) and Zabulon (who doesn’t), the Guits lose their mother’s beloved dog, January Jack. That’s it for a story; the boys just run around town, finding shenanigans at every turn: playing with a loaded gun, eating a maggot-ridden burger, dancing in a music video. In the highlight, as it were,
Issachar uses unconvincing carpet scraps to pass for a dog to gain access into a club — uh-oh, it’s a bestiality club, yuk yuk!

Mother Schmuckers shows its stripes in the opening scene, where Issachar and Zabulon cook poop. When executed well, gross-out comedy can garner laughs so large, they strain your stomach muscles. That’s not the case here; the Guits present the situation without real jokes attached. This is not a case of European humor failing to translate to this stupid American’s brain or offending my delicate sensibilities, as Denmark’s Klown is as riotous as they come, and France’s recent Mandibles is full of laugh-aloud moments, too.

By contrast, Mother Schmuckers simply is not funny because the Guits don’t push the bits beyond merely presenting them, and that’s not enough. I laughed exactly once, at someone’s apt summation of Issachar: “He looks like a Playmobil.” At least the movie is pretty much over with after 65 minutes — a tiresome stretch in any language for gags this flat and contemptible. Comparisons to John Waters are unfair to John Waters. —Rod Lott

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Meander (2020)

Pity poor Lisa. She wakes in what looks to be a high-tech air duct, but with no idea where she is, how she got there or why. Only the gadget encircling her wrist — part flashlight, part timepiece — gives her an indication: It’s not good.

Sure enough, Lisa (Gaia Weiss, The Legend of Hercules) is part of a truly twisted game, forced to crawl through a maze of pipes of varying circumference — none comfortable for her or the Meander viewer. That goes double when the pipes start retracting in size as she scurries through.

You could say if a saving grace exists for her, it’s that the pipes aren’t loaded with surprise traps!

But you’d be wrong, because the pipes are loaded with surprise traps: fire, water, acid, wire and — take a breath; you’ll need it — much, much more.

Little dialogue notwithstanding, how can a film consisting almost entirely of a woman maneuvering her way through dark, tight passageways be compelling? Doesn’t matter, because Hostile writer and director Mathieu Turi succeeds with just that — perhaps too well, as Meander quickly grows so increasingly claustrophobic, I had to look away a few times just in case my daily dose of Lisinopril weren’t strong enough to keep my blood pressure at a manageable level.

I had no such reaction to watching Ryan Reynolds or Stephen Dorff trapped in their respective wooden coffin and car trunk for the whole of their also-respective Buried and Brake. But there’s something about Meander that elicits raw panic; going out on a limb, I’m guessing it’s the potential to get stuck. The inability to turn around. The absence of knowledge of what lie ahead. The praying it’s not a sharp curve. Hell, the poster alone sends me into a loop-de-loop of anxiety.

Comparisons to Cube and Saw are not only inevitable, but well-founded, as Turi merges the core ideas of both without fully imitating either, yet reaching a final scene that may disappoint most. One element of Meander, however, is incontrovertible: the sheer bravery of Weiss in her performance and as a performer. She made me feel every inch of confinement to a point of oppression; even with the element of make-believe, I don’t know how she did it. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

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