Amer (2009)

If you have a hard-on for the works of Mario Bava and Dario Argento, you’ll love Amer, a quasi-anthology French film that pays tribute to those Italian masters. While the giallo celebration’s title translates to “bitter,” Amer is oh-so-sweet, a thrilling debut from filmmakers Hélenè Cattet and Bruno Forzani. Does it hurt that it contains the best visual representation of an orgasm I’ve ever seen? Aucun.

The movie is comprised of three chapters in the life of Ana, first as an only child (Cassandra Forêt) who lives in a lakeside mansion with her parents and an elderly housekeeper they suspect of being a witch. Told with an array of eyeballs and keyholes in extreme close-ups, it’s the most overtly horror portion, imparting a strong, unsettling vibe reminiscent of the “Drop of Water” segment from Bava’s Black Sabbath.

The middle (and shortest) part of Amer finds Ana as an adolescent (Charlotte Eugène Guibbaud) with bee-stung lips and a budding sexuality that threatens to turn into danger, as she accompanies her mother (Bianca Maria D’Amato) on a walk into the dizzying, labyrinthian cobblestone streets of the nearby village. By the final tale, Ana is a full-blown gorgeous woman (Marie Bos) returning to her childhood home now abandoned and in disrepair … and complete with one of those black-gloved, razor-wielding psychos on the grounds.

If the music score sounds spot-on, it should, sporting ’70s cuts from Ennio Morricone, Bruno Nicolai and Stelvio Cipriani, putting it squarely at the head of the class of giallo grad school. Amer may baffle those whose viewing habits don’t cross oceans, but I found it absolutely absorbing and fascinating — the art film at its most accessible. Take a stab at it. —Rod Lott

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Never Too Young to Die (1986)

Today, Steven Paul is best known (if at all) as the guy who keeps Jon Voight working in such modern crapsterpieces as Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Karate Dog and Bratz, but back in 1986, he was busy trying to live down the failure of his infamous 1982 Kurt Vonnegut adaptation, Slapstick (of Another Kind), which likely will go down in history as the worst movie ever made based on a book by a modern literary master.

Apparently, Hollywood decided four years was long enough to leave him dangling before allowing him to co-write and produce Never Too Young to Die, a strange attempt to create a new action franchise that tried to fuse the retro campiness of ’60s secret agent movies with the gender-bending campiness of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

Future Full House icon John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove the (teenage?) son of American secret agent Drew Stargrove (George Lazenby, who presumably got the part because Roger Moore read it and told Paul and company to go fuck themselves), who’s killed attempting to stop an evil scheme to turn the nation’s drinking water into radioactive sludge by a hermaphroditic maniac named Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons, summoning the collective spirits of John LaZar and Tim Curry). Lance is aided in his mission to avenge his father’s death by his glamorous partner Danja Deering (ex-Prince associate and Tanya’s Island star Vanity, who isn’t quite hot enough to make up for the fact that she’s one of the worst actresses of all time) and his (boarding school/college?) roommate Cliff (Peter Kwong), an Asian gadget genius.

Directed by TV vet Gil Bettman, Never Too Young to Die clearly was meant to stand out from the ’80s action crowd, but its overt attempts at over-the-top campiness only serve to highlight how boring and generally crappy the rest of the film is. Simmons obviously had a fun time playing his version of an Adam West Batman villain, but his giddiness only serves to prove how bland Stamos and Vanity are in comparison. Because of this, the implied sequels never happened and the chances of Stamos ever appearing in an Expendables entry turned to naught. Somehow, however, Paul managed to keep on working, if only to give his friend, Voight — who gets a songwriting credit (!) in this flick — a much-needed paycheck every now and then. —Allan Mott

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Space Thing (1968)

Call this softcore entry Star Whores or Fuck Rogers. Described by its very own producer, David F. Friedman, as “the worst science-fiction movie ever made,” Space Thing is so no-budget, its opening credits are painted on naked breasts (including the ever-dubious “written by Cosmo Politan”). Not that you’ll be complaining.

Our hairy-backed hero, James, is an avid sci-fi reader, much to the dismay of his horny wife. After she convinces him to make love, he drifts off to sleep and dreams he’s an alien, disguised as a human, in the year 2069 (natch) aboard a spaceship filled with intergalactic honeys and ruled by the lesbian Capt. Mother, who looks an awful lot like Rose McGowan.

The plot — James wants to stop them from reaching a California desert, oops, I mean far-off planet — is simply an excuse to allow the various and numerous sexual couplings. Strangely, the women (one of whom is named Portia — a Shakespearean reference, perhaps? Nah!) are allowed to fully disrobe, but the guys keep their pants on and simply do a lot of rolling around. Capt. Mother even gets her groove on with another girl and wields a stinging whip to another.

Something Weird Video’s special edition includes the original trailer — which tastefully references one sequence as “planet of the rapes” — as well as a gallery of Friedman advertising art and two future-themed short subjects, one involving a giant robot butler. —Rod Lott

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Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)  

I’m as surprised as anyone to learn that there are levels of “quality” to the movies Syfy plays, but compared to the kind of stuff Syfy usually presents, Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep is Casablanca. Make no mistake: It’s B-movie trash with a CGI squid that Nintendo would be ashamed to put in a DS game, but it does have a couple of things going for it.
 
First of all, it’s not a horror movie. The title wants you to believe differently, but it’s actually an adventure film with Victoria Pratt and a couple of interns looking for sunken treasure that’s guarded by a mythological sea monster. Oh crap. I hope I didn’t raise anyone’s expectations there. This isn’t even Tomb Raider quality, but I was just so happy not to spend two hours watching CGI tentacles take down drunken teenagers, that the ridiculous treasure-hunting plot felt original.
 
Something else it has going for it are the leads. Maybe I’m just still in love with her from Cleopatra 2525, but I find Victoria Pratt extremely watchable and the best part of any movie she’s in. And yeah, Charlie O’Connell constantly reminds me that he’s not Jerry, but he’s still plenty charming.
 
That’s about it for the good stuff. The rich, Greek villain is a mustache-twirling cartoon, and there are all kinds of ridiculous holes in the plot. It’s just that when you’re expecting a big plate of chum, even Long John Silver’s tastes pretty good. —Michael May

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Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Third time’s the harm — again — with Paranormal Activity 3, another prequel to a prequel. (In real math, then, this is Paranormal Activity Negative 2.) Rather than pick up where 2 left off, franchise-fresh directors Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman (Catfish) have turned back the clock to tell the heretofore hinted-at story of that thing that happened that one time to sisters Katie and Kristi when they were little. Holy shit, girls, do you remember that?

Lemme take you there: It was the ’80s. Your mom, Julie (Lauren Bittner) had big hair, a secret stash of pot and a new husband who looked like a douche because he never shaved. His name was Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) and he made wedding videos for a living, so it was only a matter of time before he tried to bang your mom on tape. On VHS, even. Classy.

And you two started complaining about weird things happening, and Dennis set up a couple of totally sweet camcorders ’round the house to see what was what. (Even I gotta admit, rigging the cam on the oscillating fan’s base was ingenious.) And boy, did his DIY spirit pay off! The house had its own invisible demon — Toby, his name was, and he didn’t like to be called fat — who moved objects askew and had this cool trick he liked to do where people would fly across the room like puppets who suddenly had their strings yanked.

The same description could apply to viewers, who lap these Paranormal movies up. For all their simplicity, however … well, dammit, I really admire their simplicity! Whereas so many studios spend millions on special effects, Joost and Schulman literally freak us out with a bed sheet. A bed sheet.

Also, I just find Katie Featherston to be crazy hot. That is all. —Rod Lott

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