At 17, the cute and comely village gas station attendant Carol (Janet Lynn, In the Devil’s Garden) is desperate to move to London to parlay her recent beauty contest victory into a modeling career. Her bored friend, the butcher’s assistant Joe (Robin Askwith, Queen Kong) seizes the moment, lies about having a big job lined up there, invites her and off they go!

I forgot to mention Carol’s also an exhibitionist. They fuck on the train.

Livin’ it up in London, they quickly run out of cash and begin to starve — nothing a quick dip into sex work can’t fix! Joe becomes her de facto pimp as “just this once” soon snowballs into a not 100% consensual train ride of another kind: five guys, some with unruly eyebrows thicker than my thumb. Luckily offscreen, the encounter is icky … and then possibly worse when the depressed, defeated Carol makes Joe the caboose after he professes his love to her minutes later. Dude, read the room.

As odd as this sounds — and as nude as Lynn often is — the sexploitation aspect of Pete Walker’s film seemed secondary to me. I got really invested in these two crazy kids. Both are likable, even with every stupid step they take.

Cool It Carol! captures Askwith just before he became a huge UK box-office draw with the four-flick Confessions series of sex comedies. This is the first time I’ve seen him in action. I was prepared to hate him based on his atrocious haircut alone, but I gotta admit, he had something. His face suggests Mick Jagger shagged Matt Damon. No telling from whom he inherited the hairy ass. —Rod Lott

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With Tales of a Salesman, we have a piece of unheralded cinema history: The lone movie shot in “Nudavision” and “Lusticolor.” To clear up any potential confusion, those labels just mean one thing: lotsa tits.

This nudie cutie follows Herman’s first day on the job as a door-to-door toilet brush salesman. Luckily, the milquetoast nerd gains unexpected help from a poltergeist who helps such paid-on-commission vendors. That’s both awfully specific and uncharacteristically kind for the spirit world. All this means is the poltergeist (read: the camera) sneaks peeks at the nekkid housewives on the block and makes horndog comments (via a wisely uncredited narrator).

So while Herman (David C. Reed, What’s Up Front) engages in tired pratfalls outside, the poltergeist scopes out a bare-breasted blonde struggling to move a couch, a skinny-dipping brunette, a sunbathing redhead and a brunette baking in her birthday suit. Then Herman, goaded by his supernatural guide, calls upon each woman and sells absolutely zip, due to mishaps like vacuuming a towel off a would-be client’s body or squirting cream on another’s face.

Finally, in a surreal dream sequence that shows no glimpse of the greatness in cinematographer Vilmos Zsigmond’s near future (aka winning an Oscar for Close Encounters of the Third Kind), Herman goes on trial for all these misdeeds. As punishment for one guilty verdict, the ladies (all topless, of course) inflate him like a bowtied, horn-rimmed Violet Beauregarde.

But did I mention there’s a poltergeist? Stupidity, inanity, nudity: They’rrrrre herrrrre … —Rod Lott

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As box-office returns for The Housemaid demonstrate, America is horny again! Whatever the reason for the erotic thriller’s comeback, if more turn out neither erotic nor thrilling like Bight, that resurgence could quickly go flaccid.  

Following a miscarriage (of fetus, not justice), Atticus and Charlie are in a rut. Played by Cameron Cowperthwaite and Maiara Walsh, both likable, the spouses hope for a distraction at a party thrown by their couple friends, Sebastian (Mark Hapka) and Naomi (Maya Stojan). Tension follows Charlie and Atticus through the door, because last time they were all together, things got weird. Meaning, they shared a foursome. 

There’s no party — ’tis all a ruse by Sebastian, a pompous art photographer, to coerce his emotionally fragile pals into posing nude for his latest work. This involves — after a round of drugged tea, of course — Atticus and Charlie facing one another and tightly bound in red ropes while Naomi flings paint on their bodies and Sebastian shouts orders (in a manner not unlike the photoshoot scene in Austin Powers: “Burrow! Burrow! Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong!”). 

Until its tail end, Bight is a movie of conversation over action, and such talks are often interminable. Each character says a lot without saying anything of consequence, e.g., “Apologies aren’t weak. What’s weak are the people who don’t say them.” Arguably worse, they speak as if their lines require delivery with a degree of reverence, as if orating Shakespearean monologues onstage at the Globe. You be the judge:

Atticus: “I didn’t know there were rules to exploring, but that first one sounds made up.”
Sebastian: “Well, all rules are made up.” 
Naomi: “We’re the ones that give them power, but fear not. Rules, whether they’re made up or not … are there for a reason.” 

In addition to writing the screenplay with onscreen hub Cowperthwaite (Bury the Bride), Ms. Walsh (Mean Girls 2) calls the shots helming her first feature. She makes Bight look good — even great at times. The problem remains their script. In addition to aforementioned deficiencies, it’s not even clear why the characters get so worked up (not sexually speaking) over certain situations or how they choose to react.

Bight’s most appealing parts are the opening and closing credits, credited to one “Yori X,” who executes both in the style of 007’s celebrated title sequences. But with sex ropes. —Rod Lott

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Three coeds live a credo espoused by the Rolling Stones (and, um, The Soup Dragons): They’re free to do what they want any old time. By “what,” they mean “whom,” of course, and the ladies urge their brunette Gabriella (Barbara Mills, The Suckers) to do the same. So she does.

Don’t expect much from Class of ’74 in plotting. After the on-campus prologue introducing us to our heroines (Sondra Currie, Marki Bey and Pat Woodell), the movie depicts their episodic, nudity-laden forays into college hookups and heartbreaks. Consider it a countercultural stepsister to Roger Corman’s Nurses pics in structure and spirit, yet sapped of all the fun. For example, the biggest bummer of a sequence finds a gay man in a Han Solo vest recalling how he was molested by his coach.

Arthur Marks’ films bear a distinct look, with a vivid palette of greens and oranges like peas and carrots from a piping-hot Swanson TV dinner. (I’m certain drive-in screens did his palette no justice.) That visual resemblance is all Class of ’74 has going for it, because his other works don’t play this staid. In fact, the following year’s The Roommates is even a sequel, but you wouldn’t know it; it’s a real blast to this movie’s utter drag.

In the last few minutes, Gabriella exercises her true sexual freedom by bedding a senior citizen (Phillip Terry, The Leech Woman) on a boat. —Rod Lott

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Purportedly a spoof of corporate training videos, Safety First: The Rise of Women! looks at the peculiar predicaments faced by attractive women who work in skyscrapers in California. That’s awfully specific. And Safety First is specifically awful.

Over and over for 50 agonizing, mishmashed minutes, ostensible writer/director Greg McDonald exhibits an imbecilic sense of humor to depict how those females should respond in various life-or-death situations, from medical emergencies to natural disasters. Most of what pass as punchlines can be paraphrased as, “ROFL, women have boobies! And they bounce, whaaaaaaat!”

Not a second of it qualifies as funny, but that doesn’t stop McDonald from thinking all of it is. Quite possibly, the scenarios are crowdsourced from a seventh-grade gym class.

For instance, trapped in an elevator? Just imagine you’re at a private beach, so you can rip open your blouse and clutch dem titties. Should an earthquakes occur, ensure your prep kit is stocked with dildos of unusual size, and be prepared for your hanging breasts to shake and shake and shake. And in case of fire, getting oxygen is of utmost importance, so doff that bra before running down the stairs — and don’t forget to breathe through your diaphragm. (Re: that last advice nugget, you get one guess what the woman places over her mouth to demonstrate.)

Although tit and dick jokes rule The Rise’s low-bar roost, not every gag involves erogenous zones. Why, in the segment on bomb threats, a woman gets the upper hand by covering her opponent’s eyes with two Forever stamps (the original Liberty Bell design, for any curious philatelists).

Woe be to the actresses, strip club performers and other ladies who deigned to appear in Safety First: The Rise of Women! They’re front and center, while McDonald gets to hide not only behind his video camera, but also a “Mac Kelly” pseudonym, as he ADD-edits his way through go-go dances, catfights, cloth dummies, disembodied limbs, lesbian couplings, goat milkings, hula hooping, iMovie explosions and male rape by a Village Person (the fireman, for any curious cosplayers). On the list of things to watch before you die, Safety First should come in last. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.