The Ape (1940)

In The Ape, Boris Karloff is a doctor who’s alienated the townspeople by conducting secret experiments with animals. Using their spinal fluid, he’s been trying to find a cure for paralysis, particularly for Frances, a cute wheelchair-bound young woman whose legs haven’t moved in 10 years.

Doc catches a lucky break when a gorilla escapes from the local circus and breaks into his home. Karloff kills it, skins it and uses its hide to disguise himself as the real deal, so he can go prancing around town at night (in obvious day-for-night shots) and extract spinal fluid from humans. The trick works and progress is made, so he keeps going ape to get more fluid so Frances may walk again.

Written by The Wolf Man’s Curt Siodmak, this has to be the most bizarre concept for an early horror film. Think about it: Karloff is walking around in the skin of a gorilla he slaughtered. How did he clean it? How does he not reek of monkey entrails? How lucky was he to murder an ape just his size? The mind boggles; the movie entertains. —Rod Lott

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Secret Window (2004)

When it comes to Stephen King adaptations, some are good and some are bad. Secret Window — based upon one of the quartet of novellas from his Four Past Midnight collection — is one of the better ones of the ’00s, although still far from a classic.

Coming from writer-director David Koepp, it’s a tension-ratcheting thriller in the mode of his work on Panic Room or Stir of Echoes, about a nearly divorced author (Johnny Depp) struggling with writer’s block in a remote cabin in the woods. Having moved out after catching wifey Maria Bello whoring herself out to Timothy Hutton of all ordinary people, he’s a bit depressed, taking lots of naps in his bathrobe and eating Doritos.

His idyllic surroundings turn icy when a mysterious, hat-wearing hick named Shooter (John Turturro) shows up on his porch leveling charges of plagiarism. Depp doesn’t take him too seriously at first, so Shooter puts a screwdriver through his dog’s head; ergo, Depp pays closer attention.

I liked Secret Window up until the last 15 minutes, when the twist just comes off more silly than surprising. But even a cold-hearted bastard like me has to appreciate its rather perverse final shot. —Rod Lott

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Abbott and Costello Go to Mars (1953)

While fooling around loading a top-secret experimental rocketship, Abbott and Costello accidentally launch into the air, veer through the Lincoln Tunnel and land in New Orleans, which — because it’s during Mardi Gras — they amusingly, but far-fetchingly (even for them) mistake for the planet Mars.

Meanwhile, they’re on the run from the cops because two escaped convicts go around committing crimes with space suits and freeze guns they lifted from the stranded ship they happen upon. Then the crooks hijack Bud and Lou to Venus, which they also mistake for the planet Mars.

Venus is populated by no men — just an ageless group of fine women, including Anita Ekberg and several Miss Universe contestants in va-va-voom suits. Lou briefly becomes the king of Venus until the jealous queen subjects him to a series of sexual lie-detector tests — easily the film’s high point.

Then, they finally go home. Thus, Abbott and Costello never go to Mars in Abbott and Costello Go to Mars. All the same, you’ll enjoy the antiquated optical effects, harmless slapstick set-ups and good-ol’-fashioned alcoholic jokes. —Rod Lott

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Werewolf Woman (1976)

Throughout most of its 99 minutes, the Italian-made Werewolf Woman is rhapsodically, wonderfully terrible in that way only a sleazy exploitation movie made by pretentious foreigners can be. While some unfortunate stretches of eyeball-glazing, poorly dubbed exposition exist, the sheer insanity of the rest of the picture more than makes up for them.

Busty French Sondra Locke look-alike Annik Borel plays Daniella, a severely disturbed rape victim whose fears of sex and men are exacerbated by her obsession with her resemblance to an ancestor who was burned at the stake for being a werewolf (which we see and which is hilarious), causing her to devolve into a lethal, wolf-like state the night her strong sexual feelings toward her sister’s husband correspond with a full moon.

Sent to a mental hospital, she escapes after killing a crazed nymphomaniac who attempts to rape her. More folks are killed along the way, including another wannabe rapist who actually shouts, “I’m gonna rape you!” while he’s attacking her. She briefly finds happiness and salvation in the arms of a gentle, loving stuntman, but reverts back to her old ways when her beauty attracts the attention of a trio of thugs, who rape her (sense a theme here?) and then kill her lover. Her trail of bodies finally ends when the detective on her case is inspired by a cohort’s dream to come to the forest she has made her home.

Part horror, part psychological thriller, part softcore porn and part revenger, the film also known as The Legend of the Wolf Woman is a whole lot of crazy in a frequently fascinating package. It’s never for one moment genuinely good, but in the end, that’s what makes it so great. —Allan Mott

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Jackass 3.5 (2011)

Between the big-screen Jackass gross-outs, Paramount releases a feature’s worth of outtakes directly to DVD. And let’s face it: Testicular trauma amid Johnny Knoxville and his merry band of pranksters plays just as well as home as the multiplex.

Shortly after 2010’s Jackass 3D, we got Jackass 3.5, and it has all the snapping turtles, barrel surfing, ghetto defibrillators, dildo rockets, ass cannons, skiing into trees, paintball assaults from an RC helicopter, skateboarding through drywall, exploding cola bottles, skating on belt sanders, enema long jumping, pecker-pecking woodpeckers, flaming gauntlets, electric limbo sticks, fart-propelled darts, horse semen, donkey urine and senior-citizen camel toe that its predecessor clearly lacked.

Why, yes, I did laugh a lot. Thanks for asking. —Rod Lott

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