Nukie (1987)

nukiePicture this (because you certainly don’t want to witness it for real): Two alien creatures who happen to be brothers crash-land on Earth. One of them, Nukie (rhymes with “dookie,” which is what he appears to be made of), lands safely in the jungles of Africa. The other one, Niko, is injured upon his arrival in Florida, whereupon he is snatched by evil NASA staffers who stick tubes up his nose and jab him with needles. As contrivance and convenience would have it, both aliens speak English, yet never move their mouths.

In his search for his sibling (who also looks like a bowel movement with eyes), Nukie inadvertently scares away rhinos, yet carries on conversations with baboons as snot drips out his nose. He also encounters twin native boys whose loincloths constantly expose their 8-year-old rumps. Glynis Johns (1962’s The Cabinet of Caligari) plays a nun in the village, while Turkey Shoot-er Steve Railsback is an astronaut in search of Nukie.

nukie1Co-directed by Sias Odendaal and Michael Pakleppa (Break Out: Rap in the Bronx), this international production is E.T. meets Sally Struthers’ ChildFund commercials. Given that animals talk and that its space-monkey star is a foam-rubber creation with facial paralysis, Nukie is aimed directly at the kids. Two words of warning to parents, however:
1. The scenes of Niko being subjected to shock therapy will frighten them.
2. Also, they will come to resent you with every fiber of their being years in advance. —Rod Lott

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Ghoulies Go to College (1991)

ghouliesgtcAs one of those Bush presidents famously said, we must stand up and demand that no Ghoulie is left behind. Ergo, Ghoulies Go to College. Sometimes this sequel is referred to as Ghoulies III, but to do so only minimizes the great strides they have made in higher education.

At Glazier College, school is in session … and everyone is majoring in wacky pratfalls! (Their minor? Three Stooges sound effects.) It’s Prank Week on campus, which means Beta Zeta Theta fraternity man Skip Carter (Evan MacKenzie, Scanner Cop II) has been busy setting the water fountains to spurt at crotch level and altering the benches to eject those who dare sit a spell! Don’t even get me started talking about the inflatable crocodile he’s hidden in the lectern of dean of students and humanities professor Ragnar (Kevin McCarthy, UHF), because I just might die of laughter!*

ghouliesgtc1Not a prank, but certainly well-timed to the institution’s informal culture of zaniness, is the arrival of three Ghoulies — resembling a rat, cat and fish — through the pipes of the BZT toilet. Predictably, they like to party. They also exclaim, “Beer run!” and then burp and fart accordingly. One of them tricks another into chugging Drano: “Tastes great!” “Less filling.” Most uproarious.**

The creatures are denied further high jinks and sent back to the magic shitter from whence they came, once Skip and his girlfriend (Eva LaRue, Mirror Images II) utter the ancient spells found in an old comic book. Meanwhile, former Academy Award nominee McCarthy has to say, “Ghoulies have no dicks!” aloud and on camera, for all the world to (hypothetically) see, which may have been an ad lib requested by director John Carl Buechler (Cellar Dweller). Former Playboy centerfold/Andy Sidaris heroine Hope Marie Carlton (Hard Ticket to Hawaii) appears in a supporting role, but her ass might garner more screen time than her face, which — even with the franchise’s pivot from horror to comedy — definitely qualifies as Exploitation 101.*** —Rod Lott

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*Consider this a lesson in sarcasm.
**This, too.
***But this, students — this is true.

R.I.P. Herschell Gordon Lewis

hglIn honor of psychotronic film legend Herschell Gordon Lewis, who died yesterday at the age of 87, we’ve raided our vaults to present every review we’ve run thus far involving the groundbreaking “godfather of gore.” Rest in pieces, sir!

• Doctor Gore (1973)
Gods of Grindhouse: Interviews with Exploitation Filmmakers edited by Andrew J. Rausch
• The Gruesome Twosome (1967)
How to Make a Doll (1968)
• The Uh-Oh! Show (2009)

The Break-In (2016)

break-inBased on the evidence that is The Break-In, we may assume that do-it-all filmmaker Justin Doescher saw Paranormal Activity — and perhaps even one or more of its sequels — and said aloud to himself, “Heck, I can do that!”

But he cannot. The Break-In is a rank-amateur, found-footage thriller that deserves to stay lost.

Built upon the flimsy-even-for-fiction premise that Jeff Anderson (Doescher, who also wrote, directed and produced) has a cool new phone and feels the need to record his every move, the movie presents itself as a week’s worth of police evidence. With a rash of recent burglaries plaguing the neighborhood, Jeff installs a security system to better protect his fiancée, Melissa (Maggie Binkley), and their unborn child. Cameras keep tabs on exactly four rooms: the kitchen, the bedroom, the living room and the “lounge room” (known to the rest of the civilized world as “a lounge”).

break-in1Whenever the movie’s POV shifts away from Jeff and his goddamn phone (not often enough) and to these security cams, the screen denotes which room we’re looking at, presumably in case viewers are unable to process obvious visual cues that a bed indicates a bedroom; a refrigerator means a kitchen; and so on. But mostly, The Break-In is Jeff yammering away as he eats dinner, shops for a crib, takes out the recycling — you know, the special moments to preserve for Baby!

Whether he is by himself or with “my boy”/best friend/next-door neighbor/fellow athletics-obsessed meathead man-child Steve (J.P. Veizaga, 10 Rules for Sleeping Around); with Melissa, who applies glitter to her eyelids, yet works as a teacher and not a stripper; or with the buzz-cut Det. Garcia (Ted Fernandez, at once the standout performer and the screen’s least convincing police detective), Jeff records it all.

thebreak-in2The way in which Doescher tells his story is maddening: He speaks all the exposition, as if he were reading stage directions from a script. Despite the writer’s axiom of “show, don’t tell,” Doescher figures, “Hey, why not both?” In essence, he narrates actions that need no narration, shares information that needs no sharing and, most damning, externalizes his internal thoughts, as if he does not trust his audience to know that, for example, seeing Melissa stretching in workout clothes and sunglasses on the front porch suggests that a run either has happened or is about to happen.

And to say anything “happens” in the no-budget microindie is being awfully kind. On occasion, we get a glimpse of some mysterious figure in the corner of the frame or far in the background, yet what all that leads up is no mystery: It’s right there in the title! How a found-footage project possibly could capture a dream sequence, however, there’s your mystery.

Many a found-footage film falls flat, but The Break-In usurps the likes of The Gallows and 8213: Gacy House as the subgenre’s worst. If a sports bar could make a movie, the result would be The Break-In. And yet it’s all out of cheese fries, so what’s the point? —Rod Lott

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The Magnificent Seven (2016)

magseven16To put a superlative in the title of your film is asking for trouble. When that film is a remake of a bona fide classic, you’re also inviting trouble in, setting an extra place at the dinner table and prepping the guest room with a set of fresh towels. Such is the problem facing Southpaw director Antoine Fuqua with The Magnificent Seven, his update on the iconic 1960 Western. Given that John Sturges’ “original” is itself a remake of another vaulted treasure of the cinema, Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 epic, Seven Samurai, it’s not a stretch to say Fuqua also has listed trouble as the beneficiary of his life insurance policy.

Following Training Day and The Equalizer, this new Seven marks the third collaboration between Fuqua and leading man Denzel Washington, who more or less has the Yul Brynner role here and certainly has the quiet intensity for it. His Sam Chisolm, “duly sworn warrant officer from Wichita, Kansas,” eels out a living by collecting the rewards on wanted men. Although on the side of justice, when Chisolm accepts the assignment that gets this film’s engine cranking, he does so not out of empathy, but because it pays well. That gig is ridding the one-street town of Rose Creek of the snakelike land-grabber Bartholomew Bogue (Peter Sarsgaard, Black Mass), whose takeover plan includes murdering anyone who dares raise a voice against him, thereby making an immediate widow of freckle-faced Emma Cullen (Haley Bennett, The Girl on the Train).

magseven161It is she who offers Chisolm a literal sack of money to knock Bogue down several pegs. To assist in the highly suicidal mission, Chisolm recruits a cocky gunslinger (Chris Pratt, Jurassic World), a sharpshooter (Ethan Hawke, Sinister), a God-fearing tracker (Vincent D’Onofrio, TV’s Daredevil), a Mexican bandit (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, TV’s From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series), a knife-wielding Asian (Byung-hun Lee, G.I. Joe: Retaliation) and an arrow-slinging Comanche Indian (Martin Sensmeier, TV’s Westworld).

The band-assembly process consumes the film’s first act, with the second devoted to planning for Bogue’s siege, and the third, naturally, depicting said siege. The Magnificent Seven starts fine and just gets better and better as it goes along, finally reaching that lofty adjective of its title. The siege of Rose Creek is an all-out battle of bullets and bombs, and it makes for an invigorating extended set piece of action cinema. Because, by that first-shot-fired point, the individual members of Team Seven have come to care for one another (or what passes for it in such a heteronormative genre that lionizes the he-man), so do we, setting high dramatic stakes.

magseven162As old as storytelling itself, the plot of revenge — especially one that pits the powerless against the powerful — is so primal, so universal, it does not take much work to get audiences all in on the protagonists’ side. Fuqua and his screenwriters Richard Wenk (The Expendables 2) and Nic Pizzolatto (TV’s True Detective), could have coasted on that, but they are too smart to squander the opportunity of painting this blockbuster canvas. While the movie is guilty of several points of cliché, it continually surprises. Bennett’s headstrong Cullen is such a vital link in the chain, she practically makes the case for adding a one to the name. Stealing scenes and earning laughs is not Pratt, but D’Onofrio, in an out-there performance that somehow works as an emotional anchor. Washington enjoys the best of both worlds, in that he not only radiates the good-guydom of a genuine movie star (right from his John Wayne entrance), but gets to exercise his considerable acting chops, most notably exhorting Bogue to pray.

Imbued with mythicism and emboldened by its multicultural cast, The Magnificent Seven breathes new life into the Western while also sticking closely to its old template: same bones, just different meat. We are denied hearing Elmer Bernstein’s Oscar-nominated theme from the ’60 Seven until the end credits begin, as if Fuqua was waiting until he felt he had earned the right to play it. Once that forever-rousing number kicks in, you agree that he has, because you still can feel the rush held over from the previous scenes. —Rod Lott

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