The Department Q Trilogy (2013-2016)

Based upon Danish author Jussi Adler-Olsen’s series of crime novels — currently six volumes strong — The Department Q Trilogy collects the three films thus far, all smash hits in their Eastern Hemisphere homeland: 2013’s The Keeper of Lost Causes, 2014’s The Absent One and 2016’s A Conspiracy of Faith.

After an act of questionable judgment that serves as The Keeper of Lost Causes’ holy-crap prologue, police detective Carl Mørck (Nikolaj Lie Kaas, Angels & Demons) finds himself downgraded to the basement’s Department Q, a new initiative in which he is to sort through 20 years of cold cases — essentially, a demeaning desk job that removes him from on-the-street investigation, which is one of the only two things at which he excels. The other is being an alcoholic.

In Assad (Fares Fares, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story), Carl is assigned an assistant against his will, and something about the case of a missing politician (Sonja Richter, When Animals Dream) sparks Carl into actions he’s no longer supposed to pursue.

In The Absent One, Carl and Assad gain a secretary (Johanne Louise Schmidt, in quite a coup for her debut feature) and dig into a double murder presumably carried out by entitled prep-school bullies. Although the heinous crime was committed a generation prior, the fallout continues to spread like cancer in present day, thanks to a callous CEO (Pilou Asbæk, Lucy). Finally, A Conspiracy of Faith, involves a longtime serial killer (Pål Sverre Hagen, 2012’s Kon-Tiki) who preys upon the guileless and gullible followers of religious sects.

While the mysteries at the heart of each film prove full-on riveting, The Department Q Trilogy is more than mere whodunit. Its installments — and, I suspect, Adler-Olsen’s books — are made special by the richness of two lead characters who could not be more different. Carl is a mess of a man (aided by Kaas’ weary, knuckle-sandwich mug) who believes only in the bottle, whereas Assad, an Arab, lives a life so orderly, it’s reflected not just in his thoughts, but in his daily sartorial choices. Part of the joy in binge-viewing the three is witnessing the duo’s relationship evolve: Lost Causes sees Carl barely tolerating anyone, himself included; by the time of Absent, they are more or less equals; and Conspiracy finds the team dynamic flipped, with Assad assuming point duty because Carl barely can function. The filmmakers assume audience members are smart enough to fill in the gaps between stories, rather than spell them out.

With Lost Causes, director Mikkel Nørgaard (Klown) establishes a grounded world followed through with stylishness and consistency for his own follow-up and for Conspiracy, for which Hans Petter Moland (In Order of Disappearance) takes over in a seamless transition. Whether consumed individually or as a whole, these crackling crime procedurals come highly recommended and should fill the void left by the conclusion of the Dragon Tattoo’s own trilogy. Of course, once A Conspiracy of Faith reaches its end frame, your Department Q withdrawal will begin immediately. So B it. —Rod Lott

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Bigfoot (1970)

James Stellar is Bigfoot, “The Eighth Wonder of the World,” as the opening credits of 1970’s Bigfoot state.

Meanwhile, you might state, “Who the hell is James Stellar?” And I already told you: He plays Bigfoot. Oh, you mean what other things might you have seen him in? Gotcha. And the answer is nothing. Per the IMDb, the man never appeared in a single movie or TV show before or since, and while I’m not necessarily saying you should take that as a sign, I’m not not necessarily saying you should take that as a sign, either.

All I took away from this sorry excuse of a sci-fi adventure is what is I already knew: Damn, Joi Lansing was hot! As pilot Joi Landis (lazy naming being a beacon of Bigfoot’s originality), the heaving leading lady of Hillbillys in a Haunted House is forced to evacuate her single-prop plane midair and parachutes her way to safety in a forest. Well, it’s safe until Bigfoot shows up to snag her and bind her to a pole, presumably for purposes of breeding. I can’t say I blame him.

Actually, there are several sasquatch hanging around, maybe even one per cast member. Director Robert F. Slatzer (The Hellcats) packs that cast with no one special, other than John Carradine (House of the Long Shadows) as a traveling store owner named Jasper, Doodles Weaver (Macon County Line) as a forest ranger, and two direct relatives of Robert Mitchum. In this fetid film’s case, more is less. —Rod Lott

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Stunt Squad (1977)

In Italy, the crime rates have skyrocketed to such great heights, it’s enough to make a police commissioner throw his hands toward the sky in resignation and cry, “Mama mia!” What’s an authority figure to do? Well, there is always the idea of assembling a team of super cops who are not only crack shots, but aces on motorcycles — a Stunt Squad, if you will.

Cool concept, no? It’s an awesome idea. Unfortunately, director Domenico Paolella (Hate for Hate) fails to pay it off. He didn’t quite make that movie.

What he did make is more in line with the guns-a-blazin’ hallmark of Eurocrime. The criminals at Stunt Squad’s core employ a devious plan of rigging public phones with explosives, and once the devices are wired for maximum wreckage, gang leader/handsome man Valli (Vittorio Mezzogiorno, Antonio Margheriti’s Car Crash) enters a nearby booth, inserts a coin and dials an explosion. To Valli, the more collateral damage, the better.

That brand of ruthlessness results in the formation of the Stunt Squad, but don’t go look going for characterization, which begins and ends with its members donning matching yellow helmets. All but a modicum of vehicular mayhem ensues, to audiences’ sheer disappointment of what could have been. Paolella includes a make-good sequence at a disco club where the ladies lose their shirts, so viewers won’t lose their minds. —Rod Lott

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The Beasts Are on the Streets (1978)

Just as Final Destination 2 would 25 years later, the Hanna-Barbera production The Beasts Are on the Streets begins on the highway, introducing us to various passengers in a handful of vehicles in such a way that you know a very bad wreck is about to be in effect. Sure enough, in a fit of road rage, two rednecks in a truck cause a tanker driver off the asphalt and into the fence of a safari park, immediately flooding Highway 417 with zebras, ostriches, bison, camels, bears, panthers and elephants, as if they were all waiting patiently by one particular section of gate to be taken down.

The deadlier animals try to get into cars to retrieve the human snacks inside. One dumb guy, ignoring all advice to the contrary, leaves the safety of his automobile, only to practically be raped by a tiger for doing so. But what about the zoo’s star attraction, the king of the jungle? As a particularly awful TV news personality reports live from the scene, “There’s no word on that famous lover lion, Renaldo.” Suspense!

For this disaster-minded take on the Ivan Tors family comedy Zebra in the Kitchen, one-time 007 director Peter Hunt (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) follows the efforts of park employees — played notably by disaster-pic staple Carol Lynley (Flood), fresh from pulling a baby camel from its mother’s vagina, and a pre-Miami Vice Philip Michael Thomas — to round up God’s creatures great and small from all over town, and return them unharmed to caged living. Running amok as nature intended, the poor things just wanted to get turnt — instead, they get tranq’d.

Pre-PETA, Beasts’ wild and wooly treatment of its four-legged cast members only adds to its watchability (a dune buggy careening downhill comesthisclose to mowing down a rhino). Don’t think the two-legged actors got off easy, either; the movie seems to radiate the kind of questionable crowd safety (in particular, watch for the toddler who is yanked up by his arm in a throng of panicked picnickers) filmmakers couldn’t get away with today — not that the networks make this kind of ready-for-prime-time schlock anymore. —Rod Lott

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The Satanist (1968)

Who’s got the tricks to make a sex machine of all the chicks? Satan! The proof is in The Satanist, as writer/director Zoltan G. Spencer (Terror at Orgy Castle) plops a succubus into suburbia to see what happens. Fornicating, that’s what.

After experiencing a nervous breakdown, a novelist named John (who haltingly narrates the dialogue-free picture) is ordered to temporarily escape city life for a little R&R, yet finds only T&A. Typewriter in tow, John would like to write, but his wife, Mary, feeling frisky in a second-honeymoon way, disrobes and coaxes him to do the same. He does; unfortunately, the reveal of his shaggy back rudely hurls the film into horror territory.

Later, on a leisurely postcoital drive, the couple meets the shapely Shondra (Pat Barrington, Orgy of the Dead), a neighbor who fancies herself a “student of the occult.” She loans a book on ancient sorcery to John, whose perusal of its pages causes him to have erotic dreams of making it with a bosomy blonde while Mary, undisturbed by the mattress motions, sleeps soundly.

Awake, John turns Peeping Tom and watches Shondra rub a Vaseline-like ointment all over a woman’s breasts; Mary witnesses a satanic rite being performed using her hubby’s glasses. Sufficiently weirded out, the spouses agree it’s time to end their friendship with that witchy woman Shondra, but awww, dammit, they promised to attend her party on Sunday! While it seems like an excuse to watch a hoochie-coochie dance and listen to sitar-flavored jazz, the real reason for the soirée is unveiled after the couple unknowingly downs drugged drinks: John is tied up and forced to watch as each male guest takes a turn donning a mask of fertility and, well, spreading his fertilizer. (While supposed to represent a goat, the headgear looks more like a goat with fake eyelashes and Cinnabon pastries on each ear.) The moral of this story: Following the etiquette rules of Emily Post will earn you conscription as the devil’s concubine.

It is important to note what this one-hour wonder is not: porn. All the couplings — and there are many, even before the climactic party resembling a community-theater adaptation of Eyes Wide Shut — are practically chaste by today’s standards, featuring maximum toplessness and a minimum of rolling around. Fabulously sexy as always, Barrington adds color to this black-and-white cheapie. As you might have theorized based upon all of the above — or likely just from the name Zoltan — The Satanist feels like the kind of sexploitation obscurity that served as Something Weird Video’s bread and butter, but oh, my Lord, that’s not butter! —Ed Donovan

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