Hanging by a Thread (1979)

You’re a talented metallurgical engineer. (Just go with me here.) You’re blowing the whistle on your bosses for defrauding the federal government and putting troops’ lives at risk. You’re told you’re a dead man for doing so. You’re set to testify against them in mere days. You’re under witness protection. You’ve already survived one attempt on your life via the ol’ “phony mail carrier with a gun” routine. And yet you purposely leave the safe house to attend a previously scheduled picnic with friends and family, in public.

You, sir, are a goddamn idiot who deserves to eat lead.

However, producer Irwin Allen, never met a patently absurd setup he could not milk for a telefilm buck. And after fires, floods and rock slides, the Master of Disaster was down to arguably his most incredulous concept yet: being stuck in a cable car. Ladies and gentlemen, you are Hanging by a Thread.

The trouble begins when engineer Paul Craig (Sam Groom, Deadly Eyes) decides to ditch the protective care of the feds — by himself, by his own choice and for the night so he may accompany his son, Tommy (Michael Sharrett, Wes Craven’s Deadly Friend), on a private picnic atop a mountain accessible only via aerial tram. Not happy to see Paul show up is his ex-wife, Ellen (Donna Mills, Allen’s Fire); in turn, Paul is not happy to see her being pawed by his old friend, Alan (Bert Convy, The Cannonball Run), to whom Ellen is now engaged. The members of this love triangle — and the other eager picnickers (one played by Valley of the Dolls’ Patty Duke) — were such perennial partiers, they formed their own WASPs’ nest, called the Uptowners’ Club.

Being a fatuous, wealthy douche who lives to show off and bend others to his bank-enabled will, Alan gives the go-ahead to board the tram, despite a doozy of an approaching thunderstorm. Wouldn’t you know it, lightning strikes the cables and fries some metal doohickey, effectively stranding the group approximately 7,500 in the air. With high winds preventing copter rescue, the plot pits Paul against Alan in a race to nut up and Be a Hero, Just for One Day. Although we’re barely an hour into this three-hour-plus armchair gripper, Paul handily wins, because Alan’s alcoholism gets the *hic!* better of him; rather than take swift action, Alan takes increasingly larger swigs from a heretofore hidden flask as big as his head.

So how do vowel-deprived director Georg Fenady (Cave In!) and scripter Adrian Spies (The Ordeal of Patty Hearst) fill the time before Paul inevitably saves the day? If you guessed “play Win, Lose or Draw,” I like where your head’s at, but you’re eight years off. The answer: flashbacks, natch! Each adult gets his or her turn to mentally turn back the clock and revisit closeted skeletons such as framing a family member for corporate malfeasance, coveting thy neighbor’s wife and that time they got so shit-faced, they murdered Doug Llewelyn of TV’s People’s Court. Now that was a party!

And so is Hanging by a Thread, even with so many signs suggesting otherwise: specifically, the daunting running time, the cockamamie concept and all that Convy. Yet as the soap bubbles and bubbles to a fine moisturizing lather, the made-for-TV movie gets by on its sheer unhipness and the surprisingly strong work from Groom. When at the end, the brakeless car careens downward toward the starting point and an uncertain fate for all involved (bringing new meaning to the phrase “exit through the gift shop”), I’ll admit I felt my toes tense just a tad — like Speed with flared collars, dumber characters and a better view. —Rod Lott

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Jason Bourne (2016)

Apparently having run out of intimidating-sounding words for the blank previously filled by “identity,” “supremacy,” “ultimatum” and “legacy,” the Bourne franchise goes for reunion-nametag basics with just Jason Bourne — nothing less and certainly nothing more. The moniker is fitting, because it’s as dull and unexciting as the film itself.

When we last left Jason Bourne (Matt Damon, The Martian) in 2007’s The Bourne Ultimatum, he was … well, hell, I don’t recall, and given the amnesiac theme that kicked off the series, perhaps he doesn’t, either. But here, he’s boxing in bare-knuckle brawls that bring down Serbs in a single punch. Although these bouts are in Greece, the retired assassin’s participation seems rather out-and-about for someone so desperately wishing to stay off CIA radar. He is drawn back into his old employer’s shady world when former co-worker Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles, 2006’s The Omen) uncovers some intel about Bourne’s past — namely, his father (Gregg Henry, Body Double).

She snagged it as part of the complete information on CIA’s black operations by hacking into its mainframe; the agency even made it easy for her by dumping all the documents into one folder, handily labeled “Black Operations.” Nicky downloads it all to an encrypted USB drive, marked “ENCRYPTED” in block letters so as not to call attention to itself. And yet it does, so the jowly CIA director (Tommy Lee Jones, Mechanic: Resurrection) allows his expert on all things cyber (Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina) to bring Bourne in, while also secretly authorizing his elimination via a professional plugger (Vincent Cassel, Child 44).

By all accounts (being the previous four adventures — five, if you count the Richard Chamberlain one, which I’m not), this setup should place the film in forward drive. But it doesn’t, and no amount of director Paul Greengrass’ usual shaky-cam shenanigans can distract from the fact that some ingredient crucial to the tried-and-true formula is off, if not missing altogether. Part of it is Damon himself; speaking only 45 lines of dialogue, most of them spartan, he cruises through this one as if he were a robot. With the hero being a man of very few words (288, to be exact), it seems as if he’s tired of the material, and his lack of investment is infectious. Since his character’s arc already was granted definitive closure at the conclusion of Ultimatum (hence, the title), the web of plots and subplots feel as predictable as whether the end credits will roll to the groove of Moby’s “Extreme Ways.” (And to dispel any shred of doubt, yes, of course they do.)

By the time the story has loop-de-looped itself around to the Las Vegas Strip for the much-hyped car chase — well, technically, Cassel’s in a tank — the element on which Jason Bourne has double-downed is revealed to be excess. Perhaps Damon shouldn’t have been so quick to bad-mouth The Bourne Legacy, the 2012 franchise spin-off that fronted Jeremy Renner (Avengers: Age of Ultron) and Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton) in the respective absences of Damon and Greengrass. Unfairly dismissed by audiences because it wasn’t a fourth go-round for Damon, Legacy concludes with a motorcycle chase that is far more gripping than the rather lax sequence here, not to mention being the superior effort. Humdrum Ludlum at best, Jason is so lifeless, it’s stillborn, as opposed to “still Bourne.” —Rod Lott

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Sasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot (1976)

One of the better entries in the Bigfootsploitation cycle — granted, that feat is not at all difficultSasquatch: The Legend of Bigfoot takes the docudrama approach in following seven men on an Oregonian expedition to the Peckatoe River to hunt for the fabled monster.

Lead researcher Chuck Evans (George Lauris, director of Buffalo Rider) narrates the film and introduces his fellow travelers, including:
• shirtless Native American Techka Blackhawk (Joel Morello, clearly wearing a wig);
• a skeptical, big-city journalist (Lou Salerni), of whom Chuck tells us, “His negative attitude disturbs me”;
• Barney Snipe (Jim Bradford, From Nashville with Music), the curly-headed cook who looks like a truck-stop Ronald McDonald and executes a fine pratfall (“He’s a little clumsy. But his coffee isn’t bad.”);
• and an old coot (Ken Kenzle) and “his faithful mule, Ted.” The former, Chuck relays, is the only one who knows the way to Peckatoe … despite a scene mere moments before that shows Chuck and an anthropologist reviewing a wall-sized map with a point clearly marked as Peckatoe River.

As the gents mount horses and gallop through the forest, one-and-done director Ed Ragozzino throws in nature footage — Wolf vs. badger! Bear vs. raccoon! Bear vs. bear! — and, I presume, literally throws a mountain lion from an overpass to land on the horses below. (That shot is pretty funny; I watched it five times.) More famous are the Bigfoot-sighting stories the men tell one another at the campfire and on the trail, which Ragozzino cuts away to recreate; the most memorable finds a log cabin of miners under fire by rocks hurled by a family of Sasquatch.

After being a near feature-length tease, the film climaxes with a tree trunk-tossin’ finale that gives way to a tender Bigfoot ballad playing over the end credits. What an odd, chunky stew this Sasquatch is: a Sunn Classics fauxmentary mated with Disney nature shorts. For that reason, I can’t help but recommend it. —Rod Lott

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Sugar Boxx (2009)

If only Sugar Boxx were a faux trailer and nothing more, it might be something. Extended to a full-length feature, however, it loses a lot of spark … much like Robert Rodriguez’s own Grindhouse spin-off, Machete. Still, any purebred fan of the women-in-prison (WIP) film won’t hate himself for digging in, as this Boxx offers all of the much-reviled subgenre’s mainstays, sapphic ones included.

Cody Jarrett’s low-budgeter centers on Valerie March (The Hillside Strangler’s Geneviere Anderson, who’s prettier than the transvestite Christina Applegate the poster depicts her to be), a go-get-’em news reporter for WPNS (get it?). Wishing to expose the Sugar State Women’s Prison as the sex-and-slavery hovel it really is, Valerie longs to go undercover as a prisoner. Shortly after donning hooker getup, she gets her wish and lands herself behind its bars.

The hot-flashed hoosegow is the kind of place that houses the worst of the worst, where … well, let’s let the sexy Warden Beverly Buckner (Linda Dona, Future Kick) fill us in: “Life in this compound can be pretty damn hard unless you have friends. I’m talking about beatings, gang rape, dysentery.”

Check, check and check! Writer/director Cody Jarrett (Frog-g-g!) gleefully submits leading lady Anderson and her fellow actresses to much mayhem and misery before allowing them to achieve that much-desired revenge. As a result, Sugar Boxx is marginally violent, occasionally funny and aggressively stupid, while not fully being able to embrace its drive-in roots. Having little money certainly works to the movie’s advantage, as does Jarrett’s decision to fill supporting parts with Russ Meyer starlets Kitten Natividad and Tura Satana, not to mention veteran WIP director Jack Hill (The Big Doll House and The Big Bird Cage). That said, a little more creativity is required to pull off the pastiche/homage to the point where it looks as authentic as Jarrett no doubt would like.

I admired it more than enjoyed it, getting in step with its funky groove as it shimmied its way forth. In terms of silly-minded throwbacks of fightin’ foxy females, it’s not up to the titillating heights of, say, Bitch Slap, but for a mere 86 minutes, it will do. —Rod Lott

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The Stitcher (2007)

stitcherTulsa, Oklahoma: birthplace of The Gap Band, porn star Stacy Valentine, 1921’s most incendiary race riot and, depending upon who you believe, the shot-on-video horror movie made expressly for home video. Following that trail blazed by Blood Cult were such Tulsa-lensed terrors as Revenge and The Ripper. As recently as the late aughts, T-Town was still at it, with the slasher known as The Stitcher. It’ll have you in stitches, whether you want it to or not.

Thanks to a freshly dead aunt, hot girl Brittany (Carmen Garrison) has inherited a luxurious lake house. Although she is not pleased the place is located in “hillbilly hell,” Brittany invites seven pals to make the trip for a par-tay weekend of bikinis and brewskis. Unfortunately, most of them show up! I say that because several of The Stitcher’s characters are exceedingly annoying, none more so than the obnoxious Digger (Justin Boyd), an obnoxious writer for the fictional (yet likely obnoxious) Blast Zone music magazine. He is the worst, because he is an obnoxious misogynist, because he is an obnoxious stoner with a bong seemingly glued to one hand, and because his name is Digger. Among all of Brit’s friends, he’s the one you cannot wait to see killed off, by that mysterious masked man for whom the movie is named.

stitcher1The Stitcher is to this Blackstone Cove what Jason Voorhees is to Crystal Lake, the difference being that across the dozen or so Friday the 13th chapters in existence, not once to my knowledge does Jason leave behind a handful of buttons as a calling card. Limbs, heads and entrails, yes; sewing materials, nay. As the backstory explains, back when the textile-mill biz was boomin’ and The Stitcher was just a wee lad, he was abused in a rather unique manner: Ma would sew a button to his bare skin every time she felt he was a bad boy.

And if you think that’s outlandish, wait until you see how at least four local yokels are presented: with missing teeth! (While the whale-like feed store employee escapes this indignity, he is saddled with an arguably worse social ill: uncontrollable flatulence.) Writer/director Darla Enlow (Toe Tags) also fills a role among these Okie rurals, but you won’t catch her with blacked-out chompers or an overactive anus; instead, the blonde is running and bouncing in just tight shorts and a tighter bra while fleeing The Stitcher in the flick’s prologue. I’m willing to cut her some slack, because she has made a deliriously entertaining movie. It’s amateurishly acted (although there are exceptions, like Garrison and Laurel Williamson), but what do you expect for $70,000? As much as I desired to punch Digger, I wanted even more for The Stitcher to keep going past the point at which Enlow decided to stop. —Rod Lott

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