Night of Open Sex (1983)

The Jess Franco film Night of Open Sex is purported to be an adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Gold-Bug.” While I’ve always found that short story to be quite boring, the nonstop parade of black rugs in this movie does enliven the tale, even if it’s a bit much after the third or fourth erotic dance scene.

As you could probably imagine, performing said nude numbers is Franco’s longtime gal pal, Lina Romay (Cries of Pleasure), as stripper Moira; she and her sleazy boyfriend manage to get mixed up with a criminal syndicate looking for some badly foil-wrapped Nazi gold, presumably from a fake mustached general who uses nudie pics as generalized maps to said fortune.

To get this information, by the way, she shockingly uses a curling iron as a red-hot tool of vaginal extraction. And as psychotically titillating as that is, let’s be honest, cult fans: You’re really here for the continual sex and skin, the only thing the film’s really got going for it.

With many explicit scenes of depraved fornication out the hairy hoo-ha, the sex truly is open on this night, from fetish-based frenching to fruit-based rape; softcore fans will have to watch the film in five-minute increments, skipping through very little plot to get to elongated scenes of Romay rolling around on the floor, licking a porno mag and masturbating.

Still, director Franco manages to cameo as a rich dude offering up some social commentary, far more than I honestly expected from a film where I just watched a man straight up punch a woman in the gut. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

The Pit (1981)

In the Canadian horror film The Pit, Jamie is one of those rare kids who does know his ass from a hole in the ground. That’s because the insufferable 12-year-old boy (Sammy Snyders, The Last Chase) has discovered the titular site in the woods, in which carnivorous troglodytes dwell and hangrily await food to fall in for the gnawing.

Having zero friends and being sexually frustrated makes for a lethal combo, as Jamie uses the wide cavity to his own advantage, leveraging it for acts of cruel revenge. Whether someone has picked on him, insulted him or romanced his live-in babysitter/therapist (Jeannie Elias, Deadline), it’s into the hole! His means of luring each victim to their gravity-assisted doom — and their inability to see the double-wide abyss directly in front of their feet — stretch the concept of suspension of disbelief to its breaking point, which makes the movie even more fun. (Also pushing us in that direction? The oompah-style score comedically punctuating such sacrifices as Jamie dumping a blind old lady out of her wheelchair.)

The lone fiction feature for director Lew Lehman (who wrote John Huston’s feeble Phobia the year before) and screenwriter Ian A. Stuart, The Pit is filled with situations that challenge common sense and ideas that come half-baked — for example, did I mention Jamie’s teddy bear is apparently sentient? Therefore, this one’s best viewed as a wildly whacked-out-of-its-gourd metaphor for puberty. A major player in Bad Seed cinema, Jamie is not only overly petulant and thoroughly unpleasant to be around, but sends pornographic images to the hot librarian (one-and-doner Laura Hollingsworth) and later tricks her into posing for some of his own via Polaroid. The kid is irredeemably abhorrent.

If you don’t want to cheer at the Canuxploitation chestnut’s final shot, we shouldn’t be pals anyway. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Record City (1977)

Record City pays tribute to a time when Americans bought recorded music — on vinyl, cassettes and eight-track tapes — from national chains with food-based names like Peaches, Coconuts and the scalp-scratching Licorice Pizza. The store in the lone film from TV director Dennis Steinmetz (he of the notorious The World of Sid & Marty Krofft at the Hollywood Bowl special), however, is simply Record City, fittingly generic.

Despite a then-all-star cast of dozens, Record City has no plot, being nothing more than a snapshot of a single day inside those poster-covered walls. As with the same year’s lamentable Skatetown U.S.A., which shares a cast member in comedy vacuum Ruth Buzzi, it abstains from story to present a loosely strung collection of low-stakes bits. Jumping from character to character with barely an arc in its way, it resembles one of those “A Mad Peek Behind the Scenes of” two-page spreads Mad magazine used to do, in which the totality of the place in question was presented in a single image from a God’s-eye view; no matter where you looked, something was happening.

Here, that includes:
• the greasy store manager (Michael Callan, 1988’s Freeway) sexually harassing employees and forcing himself on customers
• the nice-guy employee (Dennis Bowen, Van Nuys Blvd.) pining for the attention of the good-girl employee (Wendy Schaal, Munchies)
• a cop (Sorrell Booke, Boss Hogg of TV’s The Dukes of Hazzard) standing on a toilet in hopes of catching a serial shoplifter called The Chameleon (Frank Gorshin, Hollywood Vice Squad) while a hick goober named Pokey (Ed Begley Jr., Amazon Women on the Moon) plots a robbery
• F Troop second banana Larry Storch as a deaf customer and Alan Oppenheimer (1973’s Westworld) as a blind customer
• L.A. DJ Rick Dees wearing a gorilla arm while hosting a parking-lot talent contest featuring the likes of Gallagher, the Chicken Lady, Razzie Pee Willie and other Gong Show-level acts
• singer-songwriter Kinky Friedman playing himself and copping a feel
• Ted Lange, aka Your Bartender of TV’s The Love Boat, doing a robot dance
• Harold Sakata, aka Goldfinger’s Oddjob, basically playing Oddjob again, but as a homosexual

I don’t even have room to mention the skateboarders, the hookers, the Nazi engineer or Tim Thomerson’s testicular trauma. There’s a lot going on, and yet nothing going on. It’s the kind of movie whose screenplay (by Ron Friedman, Murder Can Hurt You!) ends by asking the ensemble cast to run in single file and yell, which, mood depending, is not necessarily a negative. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

VHYes (2019)

To watch VHYes is to watch what happens when a boy named Ralph is gifted with a VHS camera for Christmas ’87 and proceeds to use his parents’ wedding video to record his harmless household pranks, all whoopee cushions and watermelons. Then he learns you can hook the camera up to record live TV, and the clips he captures as he channel-surfs is what we see.

That includes an aerobics exercise show, a crime procedural, a cowboy-themed kids’ series, a local newscast, a cloning sitcom titled Ten of the Same and the QVC-esque Goods Channel (complete with Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich’s Thomas Lennon playing pitchman). The standouts are the Antiques Roadshow-style What You Think This Might Be? (“This was a receptacle for hearts …”) and the Bob Ross parody Painting with Joan, with Role Models’ Kerri Kenney as an unhinged artist.

Not everything Ralph (Mason McNulty, Assimilate) lands on is worth a flip; Interludes with Lou, a public access broadcast of an awkward teen (Charlyne Yi, Knocked Up) interviewing punk bands, goes on too long. That goes double for Blood Files, spoofing the true-crime documentary with the story of a supposedly haunted sorority house. More than making up for the dip are SFW scenes from a pair of porno movies, Sexy Swedish Illegal Aliens from Space: XXX and the global warming-themed Hot Winter, both expertly played to the deadpan hilt.

From a hair-growth product to a home security system, commercials appear here and there, none more notable than the Susan Sarandon-narrated spot for the Soundwall 2000, which shields your lover’s ears from hearing you poop. You get all of this and more — psychotic break included — in an über-economical 72 minutes! Director and co-writer Jack Henry Robbins (son of Sarandon and Tim Robbins, unrecognizable in his cameo) may not know how to end his cathode-ray circus — and I didn’t want him to — but up until then, he expertly orchestrates the anarchy in which anything goes … as long as everything takes a dark turn. Fans of modern absurdist humor like The State, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! and, well, anything on Adult Swim will take to it like metal fillings to a magnet. It’s like Amazon Women on the Moon with injections and/or ingestions of AFV, ADD, LSD, OMG and WTF. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Reading Material: Short Ends 3/20/20

With the much-awaited No Time to Die just a few weeks several months away from hitting theaters, the flood of 007-related books has begun, with none more desirable than Nobody Does It Better: The Complete, Uncensored, Unauthorized Oral History of James Bond. If you’re familiar with co-writers Mark A. Altman and Edward Gross’ previous treatments on Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know what you’re in for: a real wrist-strainer! But also your money’s worth — and then some. From Forge Books, the 720-page behemoth takes the reader through the making of all the Bond films, one by one — yep, even those deemed unofficial — using interviews from the actors, filmmakers and fans. The latter group can offer the occasional bit of fluff, like this contribution from Spy Kids papa Robert Rodriguez in full: “I love James Bond movies.” Wow, what insight! (Note that weird bit of italics, too — a practice carried throughout as if “James Bond” were part of the films’ titles … which they are not.) Other than that, Miss Moneypenny, the book is almost as much fun as a roll in the hay with Pussy Galore.

The story of the late Burt Reynolds can be told through the man’s filmography: He paid his dues (TV’s Gunsmoke), became a star (Deliverance), achieved box-office superstardom (Smokey and the Bandit), squandered it with baffling vanity vehicles (Stroker Ace), paid his dues again (Breaking In), landed a comeback with his finest role (Boogie Nights) and squandered it with baffling choices all over again (Cloud 9, anyone? Anyone?). Okay, so there is more to it than that, which I leave to Wayne Byrne, who spells it all out in Burt Reynolds on Screen. This retrospective of Reynolds’ career takes a chronological look at the legendary actor’s work on screens large and small, from the bit parts to big hits to roughly a decade and a half’s worth of movies you’ve never heard of. While each entry stands on its own, a full read paints a richer picture as Byrne is concerned not with synopses, but critiques of the work and considerations of their time in Reynolds’ life. Sprinkled throughout are interviews with a few former co-workers, but don’t expect Loni or Sally; the biggest names belong to Rachel Ward and Bobby Goldsboro.

Many years ago, renegade filmmaker Alex Cox (Repo Man) wrote an embarrassing, half-assed book about spaghetti Westerns. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger! Those are his own words, right on the back cover to this, the second edition of 10,000 Ways to Die: A Director’s Take on the Italian Western; with the benefit of 30 years having passed, Cox has updated the book to add entries, alter opinions and correct errors (but didn’t catch them all, cries one “Gordon Herschell Lewis”). As published by Kamera Books, the paperback is more compact and reader-friendly than the heavier edition of the past. What’s not changed? Cox’s enormous passion for these pictures, which carries over to the reader, whether he’s discussing Dashiell Hammett’s influence on the genre, the transgressive violence of Sergio Leone’s Fistful of Dollars, Terence Hill and Bud Spencer as the Italian Laurel and Hardy, or the terrifying prospect of Peter Bogdanovich nearly directing Leone’s Duck, You Sucker! Speaking not only as a fan but a filmmaker, his insight is more interesting — and entertaining — than the average bear: “Why does a producer do such things? Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can.” —Rod Lott

Get them at Amazon.

Random Genre & Cult Movie Reviews