All posts by Rod Lott

Thriller

The Sister of Ursula (1978)

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sisterursulaAmid other liquids, one practically can smell the dribbles of J&B through the screen of The Sister of Ursula, a title that tells you nothing and means only slightly more. It refers to Dagmar Beyne (Stefania D’Amario, Zombie), who’s not quite the main character, yet neither is her sibling, Ursula (Barbara Magnolfi, Suspiria). In fact, no character is developed properly enough to emerge as the lead.

Searching for their estranged mother after their father’s death, the two stop at a seaside hotel in Italy with majestic views and vistas and nightclub singer Stella Shining (Yvonne Harlow). Despite such amenities, Dagmar doesn’t want to stay: “Terrible things are going to happen,” she says. “I see blood.” She’s so certain that she herself will be murdered — not the most ideal of travel companions.

sisterursula1Terrible things do happen, to both the viewer and to the movie’s slutty female characters. Members of the latter group are slain by a killer in requisite black gloves, offed by a … well, a rather unique tool, let’s say. I won’t spoil it, but the shadow knows. The first to go is a prostitute who plies her trade underneath a decidedly unsexy Donald Duck poster.

Promiscuity reigns in this sleazy little thriller by writer/director Enzo Milioni, and each time people go at it, they do so to the tune of the same sax-fueled ballad of the damned. It’s meant to signal sexy, Pavlovian-style, yet is so overused, it will have an opposite effect on viewers. Milioni expended all his energy on these scenes, to the detriment of everything else. Unless you’re just looking for skin, there’s nothing to see here, folks; please move along. —Rod Lott

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Sex

Blood of 1000 Virgins (2013)

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blood1000For his first feature-length collection of exploitation trailers under the GrindhouseFlix banner, Full Moon Features head honcho Charles Band chose to focus on the topic of virgins. To host, he went with someone who may not remember what it was like to be one: Playboy‘s May 2012 Playmate, Nikki Leigh, who seems calm and comfortable in her underwear-clad duties on the bedroom set, if not exactly brimming with personality.

The result is Blood of 1000 Virgins — whose onscreen transitions mistitle it as Blood of a 1000 Virgins — an exploration into cherry-picked coming attractions dealing with doing “it” … or not. Who knew there were enough of those to jam into a single package? Surprisingly, the contents are not culled strictly from sexploitation pictures, as Mighty Peking Man‘s early appearance makes known.

blood1000aThe program is divided into five loosely defined categories: “Female Virgins,” “Male Virgins,” “Reasons to Stay a Virgin,” “Who Hunts Virgins?” and “Revenge of the Virgins.” This allows Band and company to traipse through many genres and subgenres, including melodrama (The Harrad Experiment), possession horror (Joan Collins in The Devil Within Her), sexy sci-fi (Invasion of the Bee Girls), crude comedy (Chatterbox, starring Candice Rialson and her talking vagina), arthouse darlings (Andy Warhol’s Dracula), rape-revenge (Ms. 45) and see-it-to-believe-it insanities (Doris Wishman’s Deadly Weapons). While they sometimes ignore their own theme, they also don’t settle for the usual suspects, either.

The print quality of the trailers varies wildly, but when you’re dealing with some real rarities, I can’t say I minded all that much. In fact, I half-expect them not to emerge pristine, to better convey the grimy feel of 42nd Street theaters. Whether featuring Linda Blair or Tommy Kirk, “these virgins need no urgin'” (to borrow an announcer’s line from Run, Virgin, Run). —Rod Lott

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Action

Seven (1979)

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sevenSeven establishes many of what would become Andy Sidaris’ established trademarks, yet it’s evident this is an early effort, given that at one point, Sidaris shows us a pre- and post-sex scene, but not the sex scene itself! The Helen Reddy joke dates it, too.

In this crackerjack crime film, a syndicate is running rampant, resulting in six murders before the opening credits are even finished, including death-by-flaming-spear and homicide-via-crossbow-shot-by-passing-skateboarder. The cops call in noted hit man Drew (William Smith, Invasion of the Bee Girls) and assign him to kill seven mob figures (hence the title). Drew wants $7 million dollars (again, hence the title) to do so and rounds up various pals until he has his own team of seven (do you spot a trend here?) to take the bastards out. His team includes a cowboy, a professor, a stand-up comedian, a race car driver, a hot chick and a rotund Hawaiian with mad kung-fu skills.

seven1Each of these characters is assigned his or her own miscreant to off, which they do in purely Sidaris ways, whether involving a helicopter, a rocket launcher, a motorcycle or an inflatable doll. Of particular note is when the Hawaiian busts his karate moves on several villains. “Hi-ya!” shouts one, to which our hero replies, “Hi-ya, my ass!”

But that’s not even the funniest bit of dialogue. No, that honor goes to a throwaway scene in an Orange Julius as a random fat guy approaches the counter:
Random Fat Guy: “I’ll have one!”
Orange Julius Employee: “One of what?”
Random Fat Guy: “One of everything!”

While Seven is far from the most polished of Sidaris’ efforts (the boom mike makes three cameos), there’s no denying its pulp pleasures from frame one. Plus, it contains the only Silly-String-as-foreplay scene I’ve laid eyes on, and two Playboy vets in its cast: H.O.T.S.’ Susan Kiger, who gets naked, and Terminal Island’s Barbara Leigh, who doesn’t — say what?!? —Rod Lott

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Documentary

Dad Made Dirty Movies (2011)

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dadmadeWord association time: Does hearing the title Orgy of the Dead make you think of Ed Wood? Odds are, it does, and man, did that ever piss off Stephen C. Apostolof! See, under the A.C. Stephen pseudonym, Apostolof directed that 1965 cult curio, whereas Wood simply wrote what few pages the script entailed. But who did Tim Burton choose to make a biopic about?

That jealousy is one of the major takeaways of Dad Made Dirty Movies, a documentary about the wild and crazy career of the “Bulgarian erotic director.” Because Apostolof died in 2005, his story is told largely by his third wife and four of his five children. It’s certainly an interesting one, since before the man hit it big on Hollywood’s fringes, he toiled in a concentration camp, worked as a whorehouse piano player and fought in the French Foreign Legion.

dadmade1But what made him “one lucky donkey” was directing movies that featured “the world’s cheapest special effect”: female nudity. Including such titles as Suburbia Confidential and College Girls Confidential, his sex flicks had no actual sex — just big, bare breasts, which he called “ticket sellers.” And sell tickets they did until hardcore pornography — and worse, the combination of that with the VCR — had to spoil everything.

Rife with great stories — from Criswell intoxicated on the Orgy set to Apostolof supposedly being poisoned by his first wife — Jordan Todorov’s Dad Made Dirty Movies shines the spotlight on a guy who, yeah, is way overdue for his turn. I just wish the documentary were longer; at 58 minutes, not a moment is wasted, yet I could have been held captive for at least another half-hour. Other than that, the only complaint is having the thing narrated by someone doing an Apostolof imitation, wavering accent and all. This one’s tough to find, but well worth the hunt. —Rod Lott

Get it at Vimeo.

Mystery

The Cat and the Canary (1978)

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catcanaryJohn Willard’s classic mystery in the vein of Agatha Christie, The Cat and the Canary, has been adapted for the movies many times, dating back to the silent era. The 1978 version represents the most recent of tellings, as well as the lone film for director Radley Metzger (The Lickerish Quartet) since his 1961 debut not to wade in the big-people pool of erotica.

In 1934, on a dark and stormy night, a handful of distant relatives gathers at Glencliffe Manor for the reading of the will of patriarch Cyrus West (Wilfrid Hyde-White, The Third Man). Speaking via newfangled reels of film, Mr. West begins by berating them, “You’re all a bunch of bastards,” then reveals the sole heir of his fortune. There’s one caveat: The gang will regroup in 12 hours to learn the identity of the runner-up, if West’s first choice should be killed or found insane.

catcanary1The good news for Annabelle West (Carol Lynley, Bunny Lake Is Missing): She’s named the sole heir. The bad news for Annabelle West: It’s highly likely she’ll be killed or found insane within the next 12 hours, what with a homicidal maniac on the loose who thinks he’s a cat. This murderer skulks about the old, dark house through its secret passageways and trick doors, looking for a torso to rip open with his claws.

Similar to Mary Roberts Rinehart’s The Bat, another oft-filmed stage whodunit, the PG-rated The Cat and the Canary seems to be an odd choice for Metzger, but he embraces the challenge and all its baroque dressings. Purposely fuzzy at the edges, the picture is buttoned-up and beautiful, and contains notes of comedy and romance to balance out any horror. The cast is terrific, too, including Olivia Hussey (Black Christmas), Michael Callan (Mysterious Island) and, speaking of Cat, Pussy Galore herself: Goldfinger girl Honor Blackman, who livens up the party as a tart-tongued lesbian. —Rod Lott

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