Action

The Black Six (1973)

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A nice, young black man is killed by a group of racist white bikers because he’s been dating the sister of one of the gang members. When his older brother, Bubba (Gene Washington), gets the news, he and his roving motorcycle posse of five other burly black guys roll into town for some payback. Together, they are … wait for it … The Black Six!

And they’re really nice, peaceful boys, first shown helping out an old widow on her farm, petting goats and sewing(!), but when pushed too far, they’re more than ready to stick it to The Man. And The Man deserves some sticking, especially when he’s represented by guys with names like Snake, Moose and Thor (yes, he’s the one with the Viking helmet). Moose rouses an army with such warnings as, “These ain’t your normal spooks!”

Indeed, all half-dozen of our heroes were NFL players, with the team association of each spelled out in the opening credits of the film by director Matt Cimber (Butterfly). Among them is “Mean” Joe Greene, who looks like he needed to be downing bottles of diet Coke instead of the straight stuff. Unique insults bandied about in this underrated blaxploitation effort include “mustard ass” and “porkchop lips.”

Sadly, there was no sequel for these African-American Avengers, although the end frame sure threatened one: “Honky … Look Out … Hassle a Brother …. and The Black 6 Will Return!!!” Oh, how one wishes they had! —Rod Lott

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Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Thrill Seekers (1999)

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Also known as The Time Shifters, Thrill Seekers is not thrilling. Despite the presence of JAG hottie Catherine Bell, Thrill Seekers is not something that will give you an erection. Despite having Starship Troopers vet Casper Van Dien in the lead, Thrill Seekers is something I watched anyway.

VD (as I like to call him) portrays (okay, maybe “portrays” is too strong a word for someone of his limited talents) a disgraced broadcast reporter forced to seek employment at a National Enquirer-type weekly. He uncovers the story of a lifetime when he spots the same man in photos of three natural disasters spaced 100 years apart, all in his first 15 minutes on the job. (Whereas in reality, a single page of Where’s Waldo? probably would have VD flummoxed for a good 45.)

Through some crack investigative techniques (i.e. pure dumb luck), VD discovers a travel agency in the future is sending tourists back in time to the sites of these disasters as part of their “Thrill Seekers” package, masterminded in part by a jowly Martin Sheen. Using a brochure swiped from one of the tourists, VD and fellow reporter Bell aim to change history by preventing the tragedies before they can happen. Lucky for them, they all appear to occur in the same city in the span of a couple days.

Thrill Seekers is almost worth sitting through just to see VD’s ham-fisted theatrics. Every time he gets a monologue, it’s like watching the high school quarterback audition for the drama department’s play just for a joke. I think the reason they gave him facial hair in this movie is to remind you you’re not watching something on Nickelodeon. Catherine Oxenberg has a small part as the Thrill Seekers spokesperson. Geez, who’d she have to blow to nail that plum role? Oh, yeah, I forgot: her husband, VD. —Rod Lott

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Horror

Saint Nick (2010)

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One could read the second word of Saint Nick‘s title as not just a name, but a verb, as in “to cut into or wound,” for the unheralded film is the Netherlands’ entry in the horror subgenre of Santa Claus slashers. Both tongue-in-cheek and ax-in-face, writer/director Dick Maas’ movie loves to spill the red stuff — ho-ho-homicide!

Being set in modern-day Amsterdam, the shiny-as-tinsel film cannot be mistaken for our Silent Night, Deadly Night — not with all the seasonal-clad prostitutes waving from windows and talk of gobbling down marzipan. Even more, the slaying Saint Nicholas (Huub Stapel, Maas’ Amsterdamned) is informed by Old World design; with a red robe and a pointy hat, he bears more than a slight resemblance to the Pope. The difference is the leader of the Catholic Church does not rides across rooftops on a horse, nor carry a staff just sharp enough to make decapitation a breeze.

Legend has it that every time there’s a full moon on Dec. 5, Saint Nicholas rises from the dead to avenge his death in 1492. But to 25-year police veteran Goert Hoekstra (Bert Luppes, Black Book), it is no legend — his entire family, kiddos included, succumbed to the slaughter in 1968. The only person who believes the cop is a college guy (Egbert Jan Weeber) nursing a broken heart, because he just watched his pals in blackface get murdered on their way to a sorority party.

Presenting a nasty sense of humor throughout, Saint Nick has the air of feeling original, although it clearly isn’t, up until the tired climactic battle to the (not) finish. But in a film like this, all that matters is that heads roll, bodies are stuffed up chimneys, torsos are halved, and so on. Those happen. —Rod Lott

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Action

Death Wish 3 (1985)

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Considering that whole moving-to-L.A. thing didn’t work out (see: Death Wish II), vigilante architect Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson) returns to the Big Apple — the very town he was told to skedaddle from — in Death Wish 3. Only the numbering system of the title has changed; trouble still follows Paul like his magnetic-filament mustache.

His first stop off the bus is the apartment of a Korean War buddy who’s just been fatally beaten by the neighborhood punks, and Paul is immediately pinned for the murder and tossed in jail. Lucky for him, Lt. Shriker (Ed Lauter, Cujo) knows how trigger-happy Paul is, and agrees to let him loose in exchange for helping NYPD squash the gang activity.

Their crime spree goes down in a six-block ‘hood that returning director Michael Winner depicts as comically dangerous. One of the most prolific gang members is called Giggler (Kirk Taylor, Full Metal Jacket), so named because he giggles when he runs — y’know, like a real tough guy. Paul won’t stand for it, setting booby traps in the apartments and pulling out his ol’ .475 Magnum, which he says, “makes a real mess.”

The same could be said of this sequel, except it is enjoyable trash cast in the unmistakable Cannon Films mold. Its reputation is sealed by the extraordinarily violent extended climax, in which the residents rise up against the bad guys, and everybody shoots everyone else, all to a terribly discordant score by Led Zeppelin’s Jimmy Page.

And as for Bronson, he is — once more — the man. —Rod Lott

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Thriller

Schizo (1976)

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Upon reading that ice skater Samantha (Lynne Frederick, Phase IV) is set to marry a well-to-do businessman (John Leyton, The Great Escape), middle-aged Haskin (John Watson, Peeping Tom) packs a big ol’ knife, hops a train to London, rents a room at a men’s hostel, and intends to freak her out. He totally succeeds.

See, as Samantha explains, Haskin was not only her mum’s lover, but her killer — an act Sam witnessed when she was 7. Now she’s convinced Haskin wants to do the same to her, despite the illogic of it all: “But he’s mad! He doesn’t need a reason!” His harassment antics have her so jumpy that she turns fraidy-cat over the smallest things, from a fake spider in the soap dish to hearing her name in the grocery store where she buys her Weetabix or whatever it is the Brits eat for breakfast.

As bodies start to pile up around Sam, Schizo is at its Psycho-tic best. Director Pete Walker (House of Whipcord) stages some fairly gruesome-for-the-era murders, including a sledgehammer to the noggin and a knitting needle through the face — too bad they’re not delivered with suspense. Instead, they’re telegraphed; for example, he shows you there’s a knife-wielding killer hiding in the backseat well before the driver gets his throat slit. There’s just no surprise in store.

Until the twist ending, that is, which although an interesting turnaround, is a cheat. For all its promise and bloodshed, Schizo is a pedestrian, stalk-and-slash thriller too bloated for its own good. Once Walker throws in a psychic who goes all milky-eyed while chatting up the dead, you’re more than ready for a denouement. —Rod Lott

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