Dr. Heimlich’s Home First-Aid Video (1987)

drheimlichWith his bald head and flaring nostrils, the world-renowned Dr. Henry J. Heimlich looks like Sid Caesar on a bender and sounds like Christopher Walken, eerie phrasing and all. Thus, it’s tough to take him as competent, especially when in the first scene, he straddles a woman lying on the floor, pushes on her chest and calls it “an act of love.”

I don’t care if he did create the life-saving Heimlich Maneuver; in Dr. Heimlich’s Home First-Aid Video, he is simultaneously scary and dubious. If a person’s choking, there’s Henry, talking about pressure on the diaphragm, and coming up from behind to wrap his slimy tentacles around some innocent young woman.

drheimlich1The other people in this made-for-VHS instructional video are even stranger. In the section on wood splinters, some wimp dumps his load of logs as if he’d just had a massive coronary. On animal bites, some simpleton prods the face of a German shepherd with a twig. A toddler is shown gnawing away on an electric cord.

The tape gets grislier as it goes on, with shots of severely blistered arms, as well as a prodigious flow of blood from a little girl’s knee; the latter proves quite touching, as her mother consoles her: “See the blood, dear? See how it flows?” Taking the proverbial cake, however, is the oaf who somehow manages to drop an open container of drain cleaner onto his face. Aaaiiieeeee!

Henry ends his First-Aid Video by telling the viewer not to pick his or her nose. —Rod Lott

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Fervid Filmmaking: 66 Cult Pictures of Vision, Verve and No Self-Restraint

fervidfilmmakingTo answer your first question: Fervid Filmmaking refers to those movies which author Mike Watt believes to contain everything but the kitchen sink, as if their creators threw in every element imaginable, just in case they never got another chance to direct again.

In other words, cinema with “total chaos and total control.” As this paperback’s subtitle promises, he’s chosen exactly 66 of them to spotlight.

To answer your second question: No, he’s not that Mike Watt.

Although I’d be curious to see what cult pics the punk legend recommends, this Mike Watt has written for Film Threat, Fangoria, Femme Fatales and some publications that don’t begin with the letter F. Here, he covers movies I thought only I loved (O.C. and Stiggs), movies I thought only I had seen (Meet the Hollowheads), movies I thought only I had heard of (Sex Machine). That doesn’t mean every film featured is beloved by him (for example, the hippie sketch comedy Dynamite Chicken); it need only fit the criteria. Unsurprisingly, he pretty much loves the majority anyway.

sexmachineDirectors represented include such Hollywood heavyweights as Robert Altman, Steven Soderbergh and George A. Romero, but not for the movies you readily associate with them. On the other side of the spectrum are outré names that include Doris Wishman, William Castle and Lloyd Kaufman (who provides the book’s amusing introduction). And then way, way off said spectrum are names you’ve likely never run across, mostly guys who toil in pixels vs. film.

But what makes Fervid Filmmaking as throughly enjoyable as it is — only one reason, actually — is that Watt puts them all on a level playing field. Otto Preminger equals Alejandro Jodorowsky equals Alvin Ecarma. Whether their product played to millions of eyeballs in a worldwide theatrical release or has screened to maybe just Watt and his friends via bootleg VHS, no one is placed on an automatic pedestal because of a larger budget. In his view, they’re all filmmakers who took some really ballsy, often unpopular chances, so everyone deserves a salute.

ForbiddenZoneAnd each essay, arranged alphabetically and sporadically illustrated, is well thought-out, vastly entertaining and even educational. With this book, Watt reveals himself as a legitimate, excellent film critic; this is serious stuff, even if the stuff he discusses deals with a cavewoman clubbing Hitler (Forbidden Zone), a hatred of grapes (Psychos in Love) or David Carradine in drag (Sonny Boy).

In-depth without overstaying their welcome, the pieces are all tight, too. The only exception would be Repo! The Genetic Opera, which introduces a cast it then re-introduces a couple pages later. (Outright errors are precious few, too, with the most glaring calling Susan Tyrell an Oscar winner; she didn’t get past the nomination.)

My only other complaint is that Watt’s work is heavy on footnotes. This is fine when he’s imparting supplementary information, but needless when he’s sharing a cast member or creative’s credit, partly because they’re often shared within the main body. For the obsessive like me, they derail the flow of reading, and even more so when the numbers don’t match up, which occurs on several occasions.

No worries, kids; it’s all good. Twenty-five years ago, Fervid Filmmaking would have enjoyed a wide release by one of the major publishing companies, and you would have read a chapter or two at your mall’s Waldenbooks or B. Dalton before realizing this was one that would be worth buying and keeping. In today’s wired world, it has a home with McFarland & Company — a fine publisher, but harder for people to find and priced higher. My hope is that, like the movies Watt shines a light on, the right people will find it, and realize its worth. —Rod Lott

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13 Observations About the 4 Movies in the All Night Movies DVD Collection

allnightmovies1. Bikini Med School and Bikini House Calls look like they’re cobbled together from some really awful Skinemax series.

2. In both, various sexual couplings occur in a frat-house room among a stock group of med students.

3. Downstairs, horse-faced strippers who don’t strip dance to excruciating butt-rock tunes.

4. Occasionally, the movies cut to old stock footage of medical whatnot, sometimes in the middle of a line, for no discernible reason.

5. They also share the same group of unappealing characters.

6. In 1994’s Bikini Med School, two guys bet each other $100 that they can trick a girl into sex.

7. This being a film with “bikini” in the title, they succeed.

8. Writer/director (to use those terms lightly) Michael Paul Girard loved this plot so much that he repeated it in the second half.

9. 1996’s Bikini House Calls is more of the same, except with a fantasy sequence, more panty-sniffing, a fake orgasm contest and a prank pulled with itching powder.

10. Girard is also to blame for 1993’s Illegal Affairs (aka Divorce Law) and A Brief Affair.

11. Those films offer the same sophomoric episodic romps where the comedy is as simulated as the sex, but set in a law firm so that, as one friend put it, the characters can “go to court and fuck on desks.”

12. B-movie regulars Jay Richardson and Monique Parent star, perhaps regrettably, in both.

13. I like to refer to the guy on the right of the DVD cover as Vo-Tech Mullet Party Dude. —Rod Lott

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All Superheroes Must Die (2011)

ASMDJason Trost — The FP‘s writer, director and star (and probably caterer) — had an interesting idea for a follow-up: What if you mashed up Saw with superheroes? Well, you might get something like All Superheroes Must Die (also called Vs., a title I don’t like any better). Unfortunately, what you don’t get is a good movie.

Four superheroes (Charge, Cutthroat, Shadow and The Wall) wake up in a seemingly deserted town, stripped of their powers, and are forced to play a deadly game concocted by their arch-nemesis, Rickshaw. The game, one that they’re destined to lose, involves running from one building to another and overcoming various challenges with the lives of various innocent civilians on the line. If they refuse to play or try to leave, Rickshaw threatens to blow up the entire town.

ASMD1Operating on a budget of what looks like a hundred dollars and change, Trost gives it an admirable go, but the movie becomes bogged down in too many plot holes (how did Rickshaw manage to capture them in the first place?), too many unanswered questions (their superpowers are never explained), too many eye-rolling scenes (the characters have a knack for heart-to-heart conversations while their time is clearly running out) and too many seams showing (in both their costumes and the “special effects,” as in explosions being shown by an off-camera stagehand tossing bits of wood and handfuls of dirt into frame).

That’s not to say that I hated everything about All Superheroes Must Die, like:
• There’s an interesting scene in which Charge (Trost) decides to sacrifice a few civilians for the sake of his teammates. 
• As Rickshaw, James Remar (48 Hrs.) has a terrific time chewing the scenery and showing that he can out-act the rest of the cast — and all while just sitting behind a desk. 
• Cutthroat’s hot sister somehow manages to look sexy while tied up and strapped to a bomb. —Slade Grayson

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Terror at Tenkiller (1986)

tenkiller“What the hell is a Tenkiller?” asks everyone unfamiliar with the state lakes of Oklahoma. Yet one must admit the alliteration of the title Terror at Tenkiller is catchy, and few words sound as ideal a setting for a slasher movie — a thought shared by the thought-challenged college girl at this film’s well-intentioned heart.

Because the busty Leslie (Stacey Logan, in her only credit) is having troubles with her abusive boyfriend, her BFF Janna (Michelle Merchant, ditto) takes Les for some R&R at her family’s cabin at Lake Tenkiller (located seven miles from the appropriately named town of Gore, incidentally). There, they can swim, boat, fish, ski and talk to a redneck in a Beech-Nut cap and dubbed voice.

tenkiller1They also can get in some exercise by fleeing the resident killer, Tor (Michael Shamus Wiles, TV’s Breaking Bad), who plays the harmonica. (Speaking of music, the score is dominated by a cue that sounds like the Casio was unplugged abruptly each and every time.) Even if the murderer’s identity weren’t revealed in the prologue, the character’s name alone would give it away — well, that and the fact that Terror is nearly a three-character piece.

One of the earliest made-for-VHS horror films, Terror at Tenkiller is another low-budget wonder from the Blood Cult gang, this one directed by first-timer (and last-timer, in keeping with the majority of the cast) Ken Meyer. I’m guessing he shot it out of sequence, since Janna’s first bikini top is quite filled out by fake breasts, which subsequent scenes reveal as all but deflated. Strangely, that adds to its charm — free of varnish, but entertaining. —Rod Lott

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