Action

Seven (1979)

3 Comments

sevenSeven establishes many of what would become Andy Sidaris’ established trademarks, yet it’s evident this is an early effort, given that at one point, Sidaris shows us a pre- and post-sex scene, but not the sex scene itself! The Helen Reddy joke dates it, too.

In this crackerjack crime film, a syndicate is running rampant, resulting in six murders before the opening credits are even finished, including death-by-flaming-spear and homicide-via-crossbow-shot-by-passing-skateboarder. The cops call in noted hit man Drew (William Smith, Invasion of the Bee Girls) and assign him to kill seven mob figures (hence the title). Drew wants $7 million dollars (again, hence the title) to do so and rounds up various pals until he has his own team of seven (do you spot a trend here?) to take the bastards out. His team includes a cowboy, a professor, a stand-up comedian, a race car driver, a hot chick and a rotund Hawaiian with mad kung-fu skills.

seven1Each of these characters is assigned his or her own miscreant to off, which they do in purely Sidaris ways, whether involving a helicopter, a rocket launcher, a motorcycle or an inflatable doll. Of particular note is when the Hawaiian busts his karate moves on several villains. “Hi-ya!” shouts one, to which our hero replies, “Hi-ya, my ass!”

But that’s not even the funniest bit of dialogue. No, that honor goes to a throwaway scene in an Orange Julius as a random fat guy approaches the counter:
Random Fat Guy: “I’ll have one!”
Orange Julius Employee: “One of what?”
Random Fat Guy: “One of everything!”

While Seven is far from the most polished of Sidaris’ efforts (the boom mike makes three cameos), there’s no denying its pulp pleasures from frame one. Plus, it contains the only Silly-String-as-foreplay scene I’ve laid eyes on, and two Playboy vets in its cast: H.O.T.S.’ Susan Kiger, who gets naked, and Terminal Island’s Barbara Leigh, who doesn’t — say what?!? —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Documentary

Dad Made Dirty Movies (2011)

1 Comment

dadmadeWord association time: Does hearing the title Orgy of the Dead make you think of Ed Wood? Odds are, it does, and man, did that ever piss off Stephen C. Apostolof! See, under the A.C. Stephen pseudonym, Apostolof directed that 1965 cult curio, whereas Wood simply wrote what few pages the script entailed. But who did Tim Burton choose to make a biopic about?

That jealousy is one of the major takeaways of Dad Made Dirty Movies, a documentary about the wild and crazy career of the “Bulgarian erotic director.” Because Apostolof died in 2005, his story is told largely by his third wife and four of his five children. It’s certainly an interesting one, since before the man hit it big on Hollywood’s fringes, he toiled in a concentration camp, worked as a whorehouse piano player and fought in the French Foreign Legion.

dadmade1But what made him “one lucky donkey” was directing movies that featured “the world’s cheapest special effect”: female nudity. Including such titles as Suburbia Confidential and College Girls Confidential, his sex flicks had no actual sex — just big, bare breasts, which he called “ticket sellers.” And sell tickets they did until hardcore pornography — and worse, the combination of that with the VCR — had to spoil everything.

Rife with great stories — from Criswell intoxicated on the Orgy set to Apostolof supposedly being poisoned by his first wife — Jordan Todorov’s Dad Made Dirty Movies shines the spotlight on a guy who, yeah, is way overdue for his turn. I just wish the documentary were longer; at 58 minutes, not a moment is wasted, yet I could have been held captive for at least another half-hour. Other than that, the only complaint is having the thing narrated by someone doing an Apostolof imitation, wavering accent and all. This one’s tough to find, but well worth the hunt. —Rod Lott

Get it at Vimeo.

Mystery

The Cat and the Canary (1978)

2 Comments

catcanaryJohn Willard’s classic mystery in the vein of Agatha Christie, The Cat and the Canary, has been adapted for the movies many times, dating back to the silent era. The 1978 version represents the most recent of tellings, as well as the lone film for director Radley Metzger (The Lickerish Quartet) since his 1961 debut not to wade in the big-people pool of erotica.

In 1934, on a dark and stormy night, a handful of distant relatives gathers at Glencliffe Manor for the reading of the will of patriarch Cyrus West (Wilfrid Hyde-White, The Third Man). Speaking via newfangled reels of film, Mr. West begins by berating them, “You’re all a bunch of bastards,” then reveals the sole heir of his fortune. There’s one caveat: The gang will regroup in 12 hours to learn the identity of the runner-up, if West’s first choice should be killed or found insane.

catcanary1The good news for Annabelle West (Carol Lynley, Bunny Lake Is Missing): She’s named the sole heir. The bad news for Annabelle West: It’s highly likely she’ll be killed or found insane within the next 12 hours, what with a homicidal maniac on the loose who thinks he’s a cat. This murderer skulks about the old, dark house through its secret passageways and trick doors, looking for a torso to rip open with his claws.

Similar to Mary Roberts Rinehart’s The Bat, another oft-filmed stage whodunit, the PG-rated The Cat and the Canary seems to be an odd choice for Metzger, but he embraces the challenge and all its baroque dressings. Purposely fuzzy at the edges, the picture is buttoned-up and beautiful, and contains notes of comedy and romance to balance out any horror. The cast is terrific, too, including Olivia Hussey (Black Christmas), Michael Callan (Mysterious Island) and, speaking of Cat, Pussy Galore herself: Goldfinger girl Honor Blackman, who livens up the party as a tart-tongued lesbian. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Sci-Fi & Fantasy

Pacific Rim (2013)

3 Comments

245941id1b_PacRim_1sided_120x180_2p_400.inddFor all the bad press Michael Bay gets for Transformers — incomprehensibly edited, poorly acted, overly long, transparently cynical — there is one remarkable thing: Somehow, despite all odds, Bay made giant robot battles a thing of pure boredom. Pacific Rim saves the concept by making giant robots, well, fun again. Maybe it comes down to a subtle difference: Transformers is made by people who think people will pay money to see giant robots fight; Pacific Rim is made by people who genuinely find giant robots to be the coolest thing ever.

There’s no point pretending that Pacific Rim isn’t a $200 million mega-monolith of special effects. Nor should we pretend it reinvents the wheel. Director Guillermo del Toro (Hellboy) crafts his spectacle of monsters battling humanity from classic archetypes of character and situation. There is really nothing here you haven’t seen in Star Wars or Independence Day, or Homer’s The Iliad, for that matter.

But gawddammit, it’s tons of fun. Whereas Bay soaks his movies in scorn for the theme, del Toro brings childlike enthusiasm and monster-centric glee. For good reason is his tale of hideous leviathan kaiju versus iron giants dedicated to stop-motion creature master Ray Harryhausen and Godzilla maestro Ishiro Honda: Del Toro simply loves what he does.

pacificrim1Nicely breaking tradition from the usual “all-American” route, del Toro goes international in casting, tossing Brit Charlie Hunnam (TV’s Sons of Anarchy) in as the token heroic American who pilots a robot, teaming him with spunky Rinko Kikuchi (Babel) and allowing the towering Idris Elba (Prometheus) the rare privilege of keeping his British accent. Throw in a comedic pair of bickering scientists (Charlie Day and Burn Gorman, both very funny in the C-3P0 and R2-D2 roles) and a slimy opportunist played with aplomb by genre veteran Ron Perlman (again, Hellboy), and you’ve got broad, yet effective characters played at perfect pitch by all.

And as for the real reason most people will watch Pacific Rim? The monsters are enormous, the robots huge, the effects freaking incredible, and the battles directed with clarity and verve. These things have weight to them. The punch-ups are epic, and show Bay how it’s done. Not once was I ever confused as to what was punching what.

So yeah, I loved it, if for no other reason than this: At the reveal of the first kaiju, 30 seconds in, I was grinning from ear to ear, and I never stopped. Except when, no kidding, I honestly choked up when the Aussie father/son pilot combo said their goodbyes to each other. Huge lump in my throat. —Corey Redekop

Buy it at Amazon.

Thriller

Do You Like Hitchcock? (2005)

2 Comments

doyoulikehitchDo You Like Hitchcock? We know Dario Argento sure does. The director’s made-for-Italian-cable pic plays primarily as a pastiche of Rear Window and Strangers on a Train, with a litany of references to Hitch’s other works. Sharp eyes will catch nods to those of Brian De Palma, who, like Argento, built a career by paying homage to cinema’s all-time suspense master.

Elio Germano (Nine) is the giallo’s erstwhile Jimmy Stewart as Giulio, a college student writing his film thesis on Alfred Hitchcock German Expressionism. From his upper-floor apartment, he has a splendid view of the sexy Sasha (Elisabetta Rocchetti, The Last House in the Woods), whom he often sees at the video store and romping about town with the equally enticing Arianna (Cristina Brondo, Penumbra).

doyoulikehitch1When Sasha’s mother is brutally murdered, Giulio pieces 1 and 1 together to arrive at 2: that Arianna might be the culprit, as part of a Strangers on a Train scenario; all he lacks is proof! Like all stupid protagonists in thrillers do, he puts his life on the line to investigate.

Had Do You Like Hitchcock? carried the name of an unknown director, its reputation would be sturdier, perhaps as something of a minor gem. With Argento at the helm, however, expectations unfairly raise the bar. While there is no way this one can compete on the level of his early works — the so-called “animal trilogy,” in particular — it is a satisfying thriller exuding real love for the movies and the voyeurism they inspire. Don’t be put off by its TV status, either, as the initial murder is as to-the-pulp as anything Argento has shot, and contains more nudity than his classics.

Do I love Do You Like Hitchcock? No, but I like it just fine. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Random Genre & Cult Movie Reviews