Zero in and Scream (1970)

zeroinIn the department of sexual relations, Mike (Michael Stearns, Battle for the Planet of the Apes) has quite a hang-up: “When a man climbs on top of a woman, she becomes ugly.” (Oh, Mike, you’re doing it all wrong.) He takes out his frustration the only way he knows: through the crosshairs of a high-powered rifle!

Zero in and Scream follows Mike as he shoots his way through the Hollywood hills. His targets? Couples in the middle of, um, coupling. This has all the makings of a twisted little thriller, but director Lee Frost (The Thing with Two Heads) is really only interested in the sex, so au revoir, thrills.

zeroin1Mike spends a great deal of time soaking in the all-nude dancing at a fleabag bar named The Classic Cat, where he takes a shine to the stripper Susan (Donna Young, one of Al Adamson’s Naughty Stewardesses). Susan invites him to a party at her groovy pad, where Mike watches all the other guests have all kinds of foreplay and intercourse in the (hopefully heavily chlorinated) pool. He gets so hot and bothered as a mere spectator that he drives up the hill in order to put the shindig to an end … with a bullet! (Party foul!)

But Lordy, it seems to take forever for anything of interest to happen in the hour-long Zero — namely, Mike zeroing in. Watching the softcore shenanigans is so dull, you’ll feel Mike’s pain; you’ll want him to pull the trigger well before one of the pool humpers does. —Rod Lott

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Ant-Man (2015)

antmanAs funny and charming as they come, Paul Rudd (Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues) is, as expected, the best thing about Ant-Man. Give Marvel Studios that much: From Robert Downey Jr. to Chris Pratt, their casting instincts are so reliably solid, they’re uncanny. Their storytelling prowess? We’ll get to that.

Rudd’s Scott Lang is the “good” kind of criminal: a well-intentioned, modern-day Robin Hood who redistributes wealth from a bullying corporation and earns a prison sentence for it. Once out, his felonious exploits also earn him a freelance gig of sorts, carrying the torch of scientist Dr. Hank Pym (Michael Douglas, Haywire) by succeeding the disgraced genius as the superhero Ant-Man. Decades before, Pym developed the technology — and accompanying helmet and suit — that allowed him to shrink to the size of … wait for it … an insect, and gain in muscle what he loses in mass.

antman1Pym long ago abandoned his avenging ways because he was afraid of his invention falling into the wrong hands. One such pair of greedy mitts belongs to his former protégé, portrayed by Corey Stoll (Non-Stop). So ineffectual and thinly drawn is Stoll’s villain that if the chrome-domed actor were capable of growing hair on his head, a mustache for him to twirl would not be out of place. It is not the fault of Stoll that until the more inventive second half, Ant-Man tends to slow and sputter when director Peyton Reed (The Break-Up) pays attention to this master-vs.-pupil portion of the narrative; from the sidelines, Rudd can do only so much to keep the film loose and lively.

Call it the curse of the origin story: So much of the movie is spent setting itself up that once it really gets going, half of it has passed. Scenes like Ant-Man’s sparring with The Falcon (Anthony Mackie, last glimpsed in Avengers: Age of Ultron) and the final one involving Pym and his daughter (Evangeline Lilly, Real Steel) are what make one excited by the closing credits’ promise that “ANT-MAN WILL RETURN.” —Rod Lott

Trainwreck (2015)

trainwreckWhen Amy Schumer walks in Trainwreck, her ponytail draws the eye as it swings back and forth with the impressive reach and precision of a metronome. Turns out, that look stands as a symbol for the film itself: cute on the surface, deeper underneath.

Graduating from comedian to movie star in one fell swoop — thanks in large part to a smart and highly personal script of her own doing — Schumer plays a young New Yorker named Amy, which is to say a near-Xerox version of the drunken slut she inhabits in her acidic, wildly funny (and funnier) stand-up act. Instead of telling jokes, this fictional Amy tells stories, as a writer for a too-hip city magazine run by a crazy woman (Snowpiercer’s Tilda Swinton, glammed up to a point of nonrecognition). Whereas her fellow staffers work on pieces like a guide to workplace masturbation, Amy is assigned to profile Aaron (Saturday Night Live vet Bill Hader), a sports-medicine physician. Among his roster of superstar patients is basketball’s LeBron James, who is better than expected in a supporting role as himself. James is one-upped in the department of scene-stealing by WWE champ John Cena (The Marine), not playing himself, but Amy’s steroidal, sexually confused suitor.

trainwreck1Aaron is as buttoned-up as Amy is fucked-up, so, as romantic comedies demand, these opposites must attract. But Trainwreck is not your average rom-com, as anyone familiar with Schumer’s 50 shades of blue humor (so blue, it’s the warmest color) knows before frame one. Given that and a ratio more “com” than “rom,” the material is a natural for Judd Apatow. Although this marks the first movie he’s directed that he didn’t also write, Trainwreck works as a gender-flipped and experience-flipped variant of his 40-Year-Old Virgin. Schumer’s work bears those Apatow touchstones — awkward sex, pot smoking, riff-o-matic exchanges that wear out their welcome — yet the collaborators still manage to exploit the old Hollywood template (musical number included!) as they imbue it with pain and a vulnerability most leading ladies are not allowed to exhibit, much less possess.

More goes on in Trainwreck than meets the eye — not a ton, but enough to notice a difference; you’ll feel it first in your funny bone, then your heart. You’ll also feel it in your butt, because Apatow needlessly takes his movies to the two-hour mark and blows past it. Unlike 2012’s This Is 40 — and thank God for that! — at least this time he’s spared us from casting his two daughters. This one is Schumer’s turn in the spotlight, and she takes it and she makes it. Now, whether she can do it again … —Rod Lott

Teenage Confidential (1986)

teenconfidentialWTFSimilar in nature and spirit to his Sleazemania trilogy, Johnny Legend’s Teenage Confidential slaps together clips from and previews of 1950s teenpics and educational shorts. Heavy on the JD angle, the whole shebang is a fairly brisk 53 minutes, daddy-o.

Scare films kick it off, with The Birth of Juvenile Delinquency and the National Probation Association’s Boy in Court, in which churchgoing is a solution for reforming the budding car thief. The old-time religion is layered thicker in Satan Was a Teenager, arguably this program’s highlight, in which the clueless, suburban, honky parents decide to turn to God to rehabilitate the criminal fruit of their loins … but have to consult their Aunt Jemima-esque maid to find out how.

teenconfidential1Previews include obscurities (Curfew Breakers), chart-top musicals (Carnival Rock), cheap horror (The Giant Gila Monster), cheaper sci-fi (Teenagers from Outer Space), Ed Wood entries (The Violent Years) and Arch Hall Jr. vehicles (Wild Guitar). Somewhere in between, Tab Hunter addresses the camera to discuss mental illness, only to disappoint by disappearing within seconds.

Confidential-ly speaking, this compilation isn’t as much fun as even the weakest Sleazemania. It does have moments that mitigate a suggested carelessness in assembly. —Rod Lott

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President Wolfman (2012)

preswolfmanAt the peak of the DVD market, I hatched a great idea about making a film called Public Domain: The Movie, which would assemble footage from dozens of the copyright-free titles populating every bargain-bin box set into an overdubbed comedy. As with all my grand visions, I never proceeded past the thinking stage. Mike Davis essentially beat me to it anyway, first with 2008’s sci-fi romp Sex Galaxy and then 2012’s President Wolfman.

Using the 1973 B-horror cheapie The Werewolf of Washington as its base — and Lord knows how many other flicks for frames here and there — President Wolfman rejiggers the Dean Stockwell vehicle into a rollicking tale about POTUS John Wolfman (voiced by Marc Evan Jackson, 22 Jump Street) making good on his last name by becoming a real werewolf after acquiring a Native American curse during a hunting trip. This occurs in the midst of Congressional shenanigans involving a Chinese buyout of good ol’ America and all its waving wheat.

preswolfman1This story is thin and messy, as it should be; Davis knows he needs only just enough spit to hold the disparate pieces together. From there, it’s all about firing the jokes quickly and persistently, and that he does with R-rated glee, sticking the landing not with consistency but regularity. Little footage matches from one scene to the next — or even within the same scene — which is not only part of the fun, but part of the point. If the experiment were polished, it would fail.

Instead, President Wolfman is infinitely creative, leaving no stock footage unsqueezed for potential laughter, from a crudely animated Smokey the Bear PSA to a surprisingly graphic educational reel on childbirth. Only a gyrating go-go girl during the opening credits appears to account for original footage … and who’s going to complain about such sights? (Don’t answer that.) —Rod Lott

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