The Centerfold Girls (1974)

centerfoldgirlsFrom Four Rode Out director John Peyser, The Centerfold Girls depicts what happens when a holier-than-thou man with a dubious grasp on reality gets a hold of a straight razor and the special, year-end issue of the fictitious Bachelor skin mag. Played by Andrew Prine (Simon, King of the Witches), Clement Dunne fancies himself a moral guardian who rings up these nude fantasy ladies, threatens to make them pay for their sins of the flesh, works toward and achieves that lofty goal, and then moves on to the next one. Making that premise unique is its three-in-one structure that hoists each story to stand on its own. If not for the running thread/threat of Dunne, it could be an anthology film; with each segment running roughly half an hour, it plays like Sex Pervert Stalker: The Series. That’s a compliment.

After disposing the corpse of Miss January in the opening credits, Dunne puts away his trademark souvenir (one of the victim’s shoes) from the felonious act and begins targeting Miss March (Jaime Lyn Bauer, Mysterious Island of Beautiful Women). She’s a nurse en route to a job interview when an act of Good Samaritanism backfires in the form of rape-happy hippies who may beat Dunne to the punch (so to speak).

centerfoldgirls1Next up is Miss May (Jennifer Ashley, The Pom Pom Girls), a model on an overnight shoot on a private island, not unlike the setting for Agatha Christie’s classic And Then There Were None — especially since Dunne has to slay a few extra bodies to get to his intended one.

Finally, Miss July (Tiffany Bolling, Kingdom of the Spiders) is a flight attendant whose grounded exploits accidentally answer the immortal question of what to do with a drunken sailor — two of ’em, in fact. When she eventually crosses paths with Dunne, she’s been through so much that our killer just might find the proverbial table turned.

The law of diminishing returns applies to The Centerfold Girls’ troika of tales, but its one-of-a-kind architecture makes it unlike any suspense slasher you’ve seen. Peyser throws as much female nudity at the camera as he does buckets of bright-red blood, thus satisfying the baseline requirements of 1970s sleaze. Even though he didn’t have to, Prine raises that bar with an actual performance as the omnipotent (and possibly impotent) murderer who has the ability to appear at the perfect place at the perfect time; after a short while, you’ll stop wondering of whom he reminds you. (The answer is Ben Folds.) —Rod Lott

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Sharon Tate: A Life

sharontateLike its subject, Sharon Tate: A Life debuts with much promise before things go south. In Tate’s case, it wasn’t her fault; in counterculture icon Ed Sanders’ book, the fault is all his.

Since the Valley of the Dolls star died so young — at age 26, slaughtered in the murder spree of Charles Manson’s “Family” in the summer of ’69 — her life story prior to marrying enfant terrible director Roman Polanski (Rosemary’s Baby) is hardly household knowledge. It’s a largely charmed existence from loving military family to accidental model-cum-actress — a woman who, despite incredible beauty, was less interested in the world of glitz and glamour in which she found herself than settling down and raising a family.

Sharing that anti-Hollywood story is why Sanders’ biography starts strong, even considering his penchant for the hyperbolic; many a sentence begins carrying the weight of overimportance, e.g. “The Fates had their say …” Clearly, his writing voice is a unique one, given to spontaneity and whimsy, such as his freewheeling description of Polanksi, “obviously propelling himself Up Up Up. … He could Get It Done! He was a picture-per-year triumph.” It begins to work against Sanders, though, especially with his habit of sporadically repeating one particular thought/sentence throughout the text:
• “The past is like quicksand,”
• “The past — often like quicksand,”
• “The past can be like quicksand,”
• “Quicksand of the past”
• and, in eventual shorthand, “Quicksand.”

We get it.

Larger cracks in the narrative appear earlier, in the form of needless tangents. For instance, it’s one thing to discuss Tate’s audition for the classic movie musical The Sound of Music, as that was something I did not know. But since she didn’t get it, what point is there is then diving into a couple paragraphs of plot synopsis, complete with mentions of the performers who were cast, not just in Tate’s role but all the other major parts?

Even a film in which Tate did star in, Polanski’s 1967 horror comedy, The Fearless Vampire Killers, why devote several pages going through its plot, scene by scene, beat by beat? It’s almost as if Sanders wants us to know that he actually did his research — something readers automatically assume of nonfiction. He tells us anyway: “In the course of writing this book, I watched a DVD of Fearless Vampire Killers …” I should hope so!

13chairsAnd then there’s the curious case of 1969’s The Thirteen Chairs (aka 12+1), a forgotten Italian farce in which Tate starred opposite Vittorio Gassman. Sanders again gives us a full synopsis, but what sticks out this time around is … well, just read this two-paragraph excerpt first …

Sharon and Gassman track the chairs to Paris and then to Rome. They run into an assortment of unusual characters, among them a driver of a furniture moving van named Albert (Terry-Thomas), a prostitute named Judy (Mylène Demongeot), the head of a roaming theater company that stages a strange version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Orson Welles), the Italian entrepreneur Carlo Di Seta (Vittorio De Sica), and his curvy daughter Stefanella (Ottavia Piccolo.) [sic]

The chase for the jewels concludes in Rome, where the chair containing the treasure finds its way into a truck, and is collected by nuns who auction it off for charity. With nothing much left to do as a result of the failure of his quest, Mario travels back to New York City by ship, as Pat/Sharon sees him off and waves goodbye to him.

… and now compare what you just read to the summary on the film’s Wikipedia page:

… the two then set out on a bizarre quest to track down the chairs that takes them from London to Paris and to Rome. Along the way, they meet a bunch of equally bizarre characters, including the driver of a furniture moving van named Albert (Terry-Thomas); a prostitute named Judy (Mylène Demongeot); Maurice (Orson Welles), the leader of a traveling theater company that stages a poor version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; the Italian entrepreneur Carlo Di Seta (Vittorio De Sica); and his vivacious daughter Stefanella (Ottavia Piccolo).

The bizarre chase ends in Rome, where the chair containing the money finds its way into a truck and is collected by nuns who auction it off to charity. With nothing much left to do as a result of the failure of his quest, Mario travels back to New York City by ship as Pat sees him off and waves goodbye to him.

Hmmm.

These off-course flights happen regularly, putting Sharon’s life story on hold to a point that the reader wonders if Sanders forgot about whom he was writing. Most egregious is the procedural account of Robert F. Kennedy’s assassination, tying Tate to a conspiracy theory — one of several (another being an underground sex-film ring) that Sanders never quite knots.

With its last third, Sharon Tate: A Life ceases being even moderately compelling, giving itself over to rehashing the misdeeds of the Manson Family — not just the grisly slayings of That August Night, but in general; all of that, of course, is material well-trod before, from Vincent Bugliosi’s seminal Helter Skelter to Sanders’ own acclaimed book on the topic, 1971’s The Family.

Photographs related to the Manson Family’s carnage pepper these pages, but oddly, don’t seek pictures of Tate. Instead, Sanders has commissioned the highly talented comic book artist Rick Veitch (Swamp Thing) to provide illustrations. This creative choice would be more welcome if it didn’t leave such a bitter aftertaste; Veitch’s last drawing depicts Sharon and unborn child in heaven, hovering over her gravestone, in a classless manner that suggests you could purchase a velvet painting of it from a dude in a van parked in the lot of that abandoned gas station on the corner. Sanders himself contributes to that ill feeling by closing the book with a poem from his own pen, reading in part:

O Sharon
Your son’d be
what
well into his 40s by now
& you’d be
if still acting
playing comedic grandmother roles

Quicksand. —Rod Lott

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The Roommates (1973)

roommatesWarning: Arthur Marks’ The Roommates may cause whiplash. For its first 39 minutes, it plays like one fun-loving, fuck-me pump of a sexploitation flick. Then, at minute 40, one of its many lovely ladies takes more than 100 stab wounds to the torso, and not by choice.

No worries, though! Soon, the dial is cranked right back to happy-go-lucky, borrowing a pattern straight from that archaic TV nugget of the sock-it-to-me ’60s, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In: minimal setup, corny joke, onto the next one. Mind you, this episodic structure actually proves to be a plus.

Delivered the same year he moved into the lucrative blaxploitation game with the Quentin Tarantino-beloved Detroit 9000, Marks’ film makes much use of its finest special effect: the bevy of beauties. As the titular Roommates, Pat Woodell (The Big Doll House), Roberta Collins (Death Race 2000), Marki Bey (Sugar Hill) and Laurie Rose (The Abductors) romp in the sand, discuss women’s lib, take showers and, eventually, summer at Lake Arrowhead.

roommates1They’re not vacationing as a foursome, however, which further lends the film a soapy layer similar to the Valley of the Dolls it name-drops. Joining Woodell’s Heather for the trip is her young, feisty cousin (The Stewardesses’ Christina Hart), who is more than happy to make Oedipal overtures after a conquest of Heather’s tells her post-coitally, “Oh, Heather, it’s just like old times, isn’t it? You’re as good as you were when you were 16!” Meanwhile, Rose’s Brea assumes nursing duties at a kids’ camp, where she and her tight Ts and short shorts garner a great deal of hormonal attention from overly (but justifiably) horny boys: “Boy, is she built like a brick shithouse! Boy, would I like to make it with her!” Get in line, brother …

In fact, I’d like to serially date the hell out of this movie. It’s too much of a carefree blast to not swing right along to its delectable rhythms and life-affirming scenery. —Rod Lott

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Avenging Angel (1985)

avengingangelWhereas Betsy Russell (co-star of 71.43% of the Saw films) makes an improvement over Donna Wilkes in pure sex appeal, Avenging Angel makes a massively disappointing sequel compared to its 1984 big sis. This is all the more baffling when one considers that director and co-writer Robert Vincent O’Neill remains in those roles; therefore, blame cannot be ascribed to a case of franchise takeover.

A year after the original Angel, the honor student by day has given up being a Hollywood hooker by night. Having slept with “hundreds of men,” Molly (Russell) now opts for running the 100-yard dash as a track star at college. Inspired by her L.A.-cop guardian, Lt. Andrews (Dark Night of the Scarecrow’s Robert E. Lyons, replacing Cliff Gorman), she is studying to be a lawyer. But when the police lieutenant is murdered in the line of duty in Chinatown, Molly teases her hair, whores up and drags out her Angel alter ego to get answers … and revenge. Forget it, Molly; it’s Chinatown.

avengingangel1There is nothing wrong with pursuing that setup. There is something very wrong with following our heroine’s intensely personal tragedy with about 20 minutes of screwball comedy, as Angel and friends try to bust ol’ pal Kit Carson (returning Rory Calhoun, Motel Hell) out of the sanitarium in which he clearly belongs. With dopey music and all, the prolonged sequence feels like a deliberate stalling tactic to reach feature-length as O’Neill attempts to navigate between the emotional tones of oil and water. Neither works.

As a result, Avenging Angel hastily becomes a sad parody of itself, one franchise entry earlier than the standard. This is best exemplified in saddling Angel’s lesbian former landlord (Susan Tyrrell, Forbidden Zone) with an infant that is not hers, and then involving that child in a hysterically edited climax that sends the tearful tot plummeting from a rooftop at half-speed. Photographed in extreme close-up so we don’t see the hands of whoever is holding him, the baby falls upright, then upside down, then upright again before — spoiler — being caught by Kit. Wouldn’t a true piece of ’80s sleaze give the old man a curious case of the butterfingers?

What, too dark? —Rod Lott

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The Green Inferno (2013)

greeninfernoAs far as I know, Eli Roth’s long-on-the-shelf The Green Inferno is the lone 2015 theatrical release to utilize the threat of female genital mutilation as a subplot. Then again, I could be wrong — I still haven’t seen Minions.

Incensed over learning of the barbaric, Third World practice during a class lecture, petulant freshman college student Justine (Roth’s wife, Lorenza Izzo, Knock Knock) joins the campus activist group in order to Change the World, starting with the Amazon rainforest. (“Activism’s so freakin’ gay,” protests her roomie, an emo-pessimist played by singer Sky Ferreira.) Seeing as how good intentions pave the road to hell, the well-meaning Americans’ rickety, Buddy Holly model of a plane crashes in the jungle — one that plays home to a primitive tribe of cannibals. The few survivors are rounded up, caged in bamboo and await mealtime.

F greeninferno1Collegians: It’s what for dinner.

From massive diarrhea to brutal dismemberment, Roth spares his cast — and, thus, the viewer — no humiliation, discomfort or pain-wracked demise, as anyone who has witnessed his Hostel saga knows all too well. Roth takes a lot of crap for reveling in the revolting, yet his films are about more than that and that alone — something that can’t be stated about most of today’s horror. Inferno, in particular, burns bright as an extreme, not-for-most experience that is legitimately disturbing, grimly humorous and frightening to consider — exactly upon which Roth counts. (Hell, I get travel anxiety just visiting Texas.) Only the CGI ants fall short of achieving the visceral reaction he doggedly works toward.

Otherwise, this film feels like one that I should not be watching. I felt the same about “bites” of the fabled Italian cannibal gross-out epics I manage to sample as a teenager — movies Roth is paying tribute to with transparence, so he can take that as a compliment. Lest there is any question about his objective, the end credits provide a veritable RIYL list of the subgenre’s sickest and most notorious offerings. Of considerably less use, those credits include the Twitter handles of cast and crew members, perhaps just to satisfy the gullible in proving the people they saw gutted onscreen are very much among the living. —Rod Lott

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