The Quake (2018)

Three years after Norway showed Hollywood what a contemporary disaster movie can and should be with The Wave, it does it again with the unlikely sequel, The Quake.

The first film’s tragedy has left geologist-cum-hero Kristian Eikjord (Kristoffer Joner, Mission: Impossible — Fallout) an addled mess, unable to shake (forgive me) the memory of the hundreds of people he wasn’t able to rescue. As a result, he remains in Geiranger alone, estranged from three people among the hundreds he did save: his wife (Ane Dahl Torp, Dead Snow) and two children. Meanwhile, in Oslo, when a colleague dies from falling debris in a tunnel, Kristian gets the feeling The Big One is about to rock that highly populated capital city, where his family now resides.

Given Kristian’s PTSD, no one believes his ranting and raving until, of course, the earthquake arrives, splitting the ground like a wet paper towel and toppling building like a toddler to Jenga blocks, in truly special effects. With his colleague’s daughter (newcomer Kathrine Thorborg Johansen) on hand for assistance, Kristian must save the Eikjords once more, heading to a hotel skyscraper whose flaccid top dangles precariously over downtown.

Taking over from Wave director Roar Uthaug (2018’s Tomb Raider) is Headhunters cinematographer John Andreas Andersen, and the transition is seamless. He proves quite adept in staging action and suspense, as well as working within Ulthaug’s established look, mood and skillful balance of spectacle and drama so Wave viewers will feel right at home, so to speak, ensuring continuity of genuine care about the characters.

Now, to address the plausibility of this scenario, it helps that the disaster this time around is frackin’ manmade. As with The Wave, the core incident is based on an incident in Norwegian history. Real science is rooted in the story, as is real pain; The Quake goes into territory the big-and-dumb blockbuster likes of San Andreas wouldn’t dare. That’s not an outright dismissal of American disaster movies, but the pairing of these pictures is all the justification needed that the genre does not require curdling. —Rod Lott

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Naked Vengeance (1985)

It’s just not Carla Harris’ week. First, before their anniversary dinner is even digested, her husband is killed trying to save a woman being attacked in the L.A. restaurant’s parking lot. Second, after moving back to Silver Lake to live with Mom and Dad, she’s sexually assaulted by six guys in her own living room. Third, one of those blue-collar assholes shotguns her parents to death when they interrupt the party.

Once Carla emerges from a state of shock, it’s time for some vengeance: Naked Vengeance.

From Roger Corman’s Concorde Pictures and Filipino exploitation legend Cirio H. Santiago (Death Force, Vampire Hookers, et al.), Naked Vengeance gives Deborah Tranelli of TV’s Dallas her only film role, and damn, it’s a meaty one — the kind of meat whose second name is spelled M-A-Y-E-R, but meat nonetheless.

Her Carla is an actress whose career never took off beyond a dog food advert, so returning home a widow is doubly humiliating. In her absence, it appears every Silver Lake male who’s not her father — the gardener, the bartender, the grocery butcher, the car mechanic, even the ice deliveryman — has become a walking, mouth-breathing example of the “unwanted behaviors” section from your HR department’s anti-harassment policy.

They’re also close buds who drink together, lift weights together (one in a Garfield T-shirt), bowl together (for the Farm Fresh league) and, yes, rape together. For the kind of movie in which a cop uses a flashlight outside on a sunny day, the scene of the group attack is Carla is harrowing … and then nearly self-parodic, because Santiago — like his villains — doesn’t know when to stop. The viewer’s sympathy for Carla quickly morphs into embarrassment for Tranelli.

Because this is also the kind of movie in which the sheriff (Bill McLaughlin, Santiago’s Silk) is unwilling to take action, Carla does. Call it My Shoulder Pads and I Spit on Your Grave. Tranelli commits to her vigilante role in the rather enjoyable, yet unoriginal rape-revenge pic as if it were a drama opening on the Great White Way. Among the actors portraying her dirty half-dozen of abusers, only Kaz Garas (Steve Trevor from the 1974 Wonder Woman TV-movie) turns in a performance that, if not grounded, at least doesn’t float any higher than a month-old helium balloon; the other guys emote with bulging eyes, unnatural motion and raised voices, as if they were being mo-capped for a cartoon that never got made. One wishes shelved status also awaited the movie’s theme song, the Tranelli-warbled power ballad “Still Got a Love,” which we hear about three times too many. —Rod Lott

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Private Lessons (1981)

You never realize just how sleazy most Rod Stewart tunes are until they’re used as the backdrop for the seduction of a teenage boy; I know this not from personal experience, mind you, but from the fact that the filmic wet dream Private Lessons uses at least three different Rod songs for this erotic purpose.

The summer’s here and all Albuquerque rich-kid Philly (Eric Brown) and his requisite chubby bud want is to see a girl naked. That perverted wish comes true — and a whole lot more than that — when sexy maid Ms. Mallow (Sylvia Kristel) moves into his mansion, sexually teasing and sensually taunting him until, in the middle of surprisingly graphic intercourse, she dies of apparent heart failure.

By the way: In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Philly is only about 15 years old when all this is going on.

Panicked, he enlists his chauffeur, Dr. Johnny Fever Lester (Howard Hesseman), to help him get rid of that fine body; little does Philly know, however, that it is all part of an extortion plan that, sadly, takes the movie’s view off of the adolescent sexual experimentation and, instead, on a lame crime subplot that wraps up neatly with a minorly madcap chase scene.

Private Lessons has, embarrassingly, been a longtime favorite film of mine since secretly viewing cable airings of it, repeatedly, as a kid in the early ’80s. Star Eric Brown was pretty much the luckiest kid on TV at the time — besides this film, he also got it on with statuesque Sybil Danning in They’re Playing with Fire, as well as being cast as Buzz on the first season of Mama’s Family. What a resume!

Not to be outdone, French delight Kristel — high on both her marriage to Ian McShane and mounds of cocaine, possibly at the same time — is a tempestuous delight, even if for half the nude scenes she’s using a body double, for reasons I don’t understand and, honestly, don’t care to explore unless “Tonight’s the Night” is blaring in the background. —Louis Fowler

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Obsession (1976)

As a kid, I gained an incredible amount of film history — not to mention history, period — through back issues of Mad magazine. My favorite features were the movie parodies, which I often read years, if not decades, before actually seeing the films they spoofed. Only once has this practice soured my enjoyment: Mad #191’s “Sobsession” all but ruined Brian De Palma’s Obsession for me. Even though 35 years passed between my reading and eventual viewing, knowing the twist excised nearly all the suspense — and, therefore, the fun.

The cozy, coddled life of real estate magnate Michael Courtland (a drab Cliff Roberston, Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben) turns to crap when his wife, Elizabeth (Genevieve Bujold, Earthquake), and their young daughter (Wanda Blackman) are kidnapped from their own home and held for a sizable ransom. Due to a hiccup in the negotiated drop-off, tragedy strikes, leaving Michael to bury and grieve his loved ones.

Sixteen years later (which pass in one bravura 360˚ shot on De Palma’s part), the widower still hasn’t moved on. When work takes him to Italy, where he met Elizabeth, he meets her spitting image in Sandra (also played by Bujold). Whether they fall in love for happily ever after is a moot point; this is De Palma, not Nicholas Sparks.

Something else it’s not: great De Palma. Although visually sumptuous, even with its gauzy haze, Obsession bores on the level of narrative. Co-written with Paul Schrader (the no-slouch scribe of Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver that same year), the film finds De Palma further exploring — and more deliberately so — the idea of the Hitchcockian double, injecting his own Sisters with airs of respectability.

As intoxicating as its setup is, the film starts to falter. Those looking to have their itch for a De Palma set piece scratched will get it … at the very end, itself abrupt and possibly a concession to the studio suits. All that sits in between indeed just sits, lulling viewers to a light nap. You may find yourself roused whenever John Lithgow (2019’s Pet Sematary) pops in as Michael’s business partner; I’m not sure what he’s doing here with full Southern Gentleman affectation, but damn is he ever doing it. —Rod Lott

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Charlie Says (2018)

WTFI think that, if I was born a couple of decades earlier, I would have been a pretty good hippie cult leader, you know, minus all the murder; just me and a bunch of groovy runaways, kicking back on a deserted movie set and eating out of dumpsters while trying to reach universal oneness … sounds like far-out time to me.

That’s probably why I never fully understood Charles Manson or the notorious 1969 murders he was behind; sure, you can go with the de facto notion that he’s a fucking lunatic, but he probably would have had it so much better, possibly for the rest of his life, if he hadn’t ordered his followers to go out and kill due to a record producer not wanting to record his mostly lousy tunes.

It’s a line of thought that the mediocre flick Charlie Says could get behind, I’m sure. Starring Merritt Wever as Karlene Faith, a fully invested prison teacher who comes to know Manson’s so-called girls — Leslie Van Houten, Patricia Krenwinkel and Susan Atkins — and their undying devotion to Charlie, who took the classic pimp-game strategy and added a skewed version of Christianity to it to give his lost followers something to believe in.

Director Mary Harron (American Psycho) does a good job of keeping the usual histrionics of the girls to a bare minimum — something many other Manson filmmakers seem to go absolutely crazy themselves with. The real sore spot of the movie is with ol’ Charlie himself, played by the flaccid Matt Smith, complete with a laughable beard and wig, but maybe that was the point.

Sadly, while the ’60s are long over and so is my chance to be a cult leader, Charlie Says is thankfully the wishful-thinking flick that tells me I would probably screw it all up just as bad — if not worse, yikes — as Manson did. Believe me: Even the most minor of power corrupts, especially in me, absolutely. —Louis Fowler

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