Jane and the Lost City (1987)

Unlike the umpteen matinee-style pulp adventures whipped into production by Raiders of the Lost Ark’s runaway success, Jane and the Lost City had genuine pulp origins: as a newspaper comic. Norman Pett’s strip ran for more than 25 years in the UK’s Daily Mirror; Terry Marcel’s feature adaptation ran for, oh, 93 minutes on precious few theater screens.

Although built with a World War II plot, this cheeky British film’s first order of business is staying true to its source material: the accidental undressing of its plucky, pulchritudinous heroine, Jane (Kirsten Hughes). Half a dozen times in oft-ridiculous ways (one via capuchin monkey), Jane’s clothes are torn from her body, leaving her near-starkers, if not for the same pair of silk knickers and bra to match — somewhat remarkable for a PG-rated picture. It’s a childish sight gag and yet, goo-goo gaga. When I first saw it at age 16, I confess a lot of fast-forwarding involved.

On orders from Churchill (Richard Huggett, Slipstream), Jane accompanies a military colonel (Robin Bailey, Screamtime) and his derby-hatted servant (Graham Stark, Bloodbath at the House of Death) to beat the Nazis to locate the titular African jungle, riddled with diamonds and double entendres. Aiding them is toothy good guy Jungle Jack Buck (Flash Gordon himself, Sam J. Jones). Attempting to kill them are SS ballbuster Lola Pagola (Octopussy herself, Maud Adams) and her leopard beret-wearing henchman (comedian Jasper Carrott, The Secret Policeman’s Other Ball). Replete with Perils of Pauline energy, none of it is to be taken seriously.

Jane and the Lost City boasts the same production team as Hawk the Slayer, not that you’d notice. That 1980 fantasy is hardly gold, but it has action, whereas the frothy Jane is all reaction. Here, our heroes survive a plane crash, roaring rapids and an erupting volcano — just don’t expect to see any of that onscreen. Marcel appears to be working with a bottom line as thrifty as the threading of his leading lady’s dress. In that racy spirit, however, the sexy Hughes is her own special effect.

The mediocre New World Pictures affair is a study of contrasts: deliberately old-fashioned yet hopelessly out of touch; at once charmingly innocent and undeniably horny. You won’t love it, but you might not mind it. —Rod Lott

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Replicator (2024)

Questionably competent kickboxing attorney Darby (Brey Noelle, Nightmare Neighborhood Moms) has a new roomie. It’s her shitty dad (Jim Azelvandre, The Exorcism of Saint Patrick), an aggressively repugnant human being who looks like a Factory 2-U version of J.K. Simmons.

One morning, instead of bragging to his daughter about the scent on his hand after a sexual encounter, he’s uncharacteristically sharing positive words and breakfast burritos. As Darby confides to her bartending best friend (KateLynn E. Newberry, Juror #2), it’s as if her father’s been pod-peopled. 

Because, duh, he has; the title out front shoulda told ya. 

I watched Replicator by virtue of I See You appearing among writer/director Mark Andrew Hamer’s IMDb credits. That 2019 sleeper is gripping, thrilling, chilling and, sad to say, other things this chunk of weird science is not. The two films exist on different planes of skill and execution … which made sense once I read more carefully: Hamer served as an executive producer of that film versus the pure creative force here.

Still, Replicator deserves to be judged on its own, not how it stands against something else. Awash in visually pleasant purples and pinks, it strives for a pulp greasiness that Hamer’s dialogue is too jokey to meet. Even if it were, Newberry would be the only cast member I’d trust to do it justice because as is, her fellow actors don’t perform as much as recite — and stiffly at that.

Aside from the impressive oozing, gooey effects — most notably the wall of throbbing scabs, veins, tumors, whatever — the movie falls short of its elements’ collective ambition. Not just by a mile, but the next town over. One character says it best with a rhetorical “Are we really doing this right now?”

They are, but you can skip it, unless bellybutton tentacle protrusions are your thing. —Rod Lott

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Get Away (2024)

You know folk horror has enjoyed a cultural moment when it’s earned a parody. For the UK comedy Get Away, Shaun of the Dead sidekick Nick Frost gives it just that, scripting himself in the lead role as the patriarch of a family on summer holiday. They’re headed to Svälta, a Swedish island commune days away from its decennial festival commemorating a 19th-century incident that turned its inhabitants either into corpses or cannibals. The main event: a reenactment, of course.

Despite every frickin’ red flag unfurled, hoisted and erratically waved inches from their faces, the family of four rents an Airbnb on the otherwise stuck-in-the-past isle. The cottage’s owner is a pervy, Roman Polanski lookalike (Eero Milonoff, Border) who has eyes for their daughter (newcomer Maisie Ayres).

You can see where this is going: The Wicker Man meets National Lampoon’s Vacation. Except Frost and screen wife Aisling Bea (Home Sweet Home Alone) are both Clark Griswold, with their longtime-spouse interactions giving Get Away an immediate leg up for laughs. Their marriage as well-worn as a college sweatshirt, they call each other “Mummy” and “Daddy,” much to the disgust of their son (Sebastian Croft of Netflix’s Heartstopper series). Frost may be the draw, but Bea, a deadpan delight, stakes her claim as Get Away’s winsome secret weapon.

Get Away suffers whenever those two aren’t front and center. This is especially true with the Festival of Karantän — essentially the Svältans’ bloodier, duckier version of Christianity’s passion play — which director Steffen Haars (New Kids Turbo) allows to overstay its welcome by half. The overstuffed sequence then gives way to a polarizing loop-de-loop in plotting, depicted with enough pulverizing excess — underneath Iron Maiden’s “Run to the Hills” on the soundtrack, no less — to make your head spin in disbelief as the movie becomes something else.

With this redirect, Get Away gets away from itself. After a strong hour, that shift qualifies as a misstep. Unfortunately, the movie never regains its footing, losing not only the goodwill it worked so hard to build, but much of its sense of humor. In particular, Frost’s last line just before the credits roll is a real groaner, so many rungs lower than the film’s established place on the comedic ladder, it’s embarrassing. —Rod Lott

Art of the Dead (2019)

In the late 1970s to early 1980s, it seems like you couldn’t pass an intersection without seeing the original pop-up shop: some guy selling velvet paintings propped against his van. Remember those? 

Good. Now cast aside all assumptions of reality and imagine the dude’s entire inventory were worth half a million bucks. Now imagine the perfect person to broker that sale were Tara Reid. Now you’re prepared for Art of the Dead, from writer/director Rolfe Kanefsky (The Erotic Adventures of the Invisible Man).

The gaudy and gauche oils at this horror movie’s necrotic heart depict the seven deadly sins as represented by animals. All come from the brush of the appropriately named Dorian Wilde (Danny Tesla, Attack of the Unknown), who looks like a cross between Frank Zappa and a haberdashery. Wilde’s septet of “masterpieces” — at best, they scream high school art class — is in high demand, despite making people go nuts upon gazing. The prologue illustrates just how, with a cameoing Richard Grieco (Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill!) slaughtering his family.

After outbidding others for the cursed collection, members of the Wilson family find out its downside fast. The goat painting makes Mom (Jessica Morris, Reel Evil) so horny, she fucks a goat — or an NBA-mascot facsimile of one. The snake artwork makes Sis (Cynthia Aileen Strahan, TV’s The Offer) give herself a boob job — using the torn-off breasts of her bully. The frog one makes her brother (newcomer Zachary Chyz) paint the nude body of a sex worker (Sarah French, That’s a Wrap) — with words like “WHORE CUNT SLUT BITCH.” 

Too much? But but but I haven’t even gotten to Wilde creating canvases from the skin of a prostitute! And paint from her blood to match! It’s like Ray Bradbury’s legendary short story “The Veldt,” but with 100% more demon-tonguing.

Yes, Art of the Dead is completely preposterous in premise, yet I can’t deny the appeal of its gimmick. Luckily, the film puts you in the proper frame of mind upfront with the credit “a Rolfe Kanefsky flick,” rather than “film” or “movie” or “picture” or another Pauline Kael-friendly synonym.

Even if it hadn’t, is anyone in danger of taking this Mahal Empire production seriously? If so, then they’re not paying attention to the auction worker who drinks from a hose until his belly literally explodes. Or the priest with a milky eye. Or the twin kids turning into giant snails. Or the snakes earning credits as “Hisser” and “Pumpkin.” —Rod Lott

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The Perils of Pauline (1967)

A contemporary adaptation of the iconic 1914 serial, The Perils of Pauline is one Hail Mary of an action comedy, patched together from three episodes of an intended TV series canceled before it could air. The production attempted to capitalize on the mad, mod, quasi-parodic pop sensation known as ABC’s Batman — and boy, is that evident, for good and ill. 

Aging out of the orphanage that’s raised her since infancy, the virginal Pauline (Blue Hawaii cutie Pamela Austin) enters the real world and gets into and out of one scrape after another. Her trouble begins in Africa, where she tutors a 12-year-old royal prince (Rick Natoli, Hang Your Hat on the Wind) who wants her for his harem. The kid’s so horny, he chases her around the palace. She’s also pursued by tigers, dangled over a pit of stock-footage sharks and kidnapped by a gorilla — twice! 

From the sewers to the high seas to even outer space, Pauline’s inadvertent adventures find her pursued by the three über-wealthy men, including Terry-Thomas (The Vault of Horror) and Edward Everett Horton (It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World). But the only one who has her heart is an age-appropriate fellow orphan (’nilla crooner Pat Boone), who spends a chunk of Perils in a block of ice floating in the ocean. Trust me; it’s a long story, figuratively and literally. 

Innocence personified, Pauline doesn’t go chasing waterfalls; they just seem to find her. Every time she faces danger, the parlor piano music kicks in and the film is sped up, all the better to ape its chapter-play origins. Pre-“talkies,” silent films, including serials like The Perils of Pauline, relied on exaggerated physicality to help impart emotions. That performative spirit haunts this update through barn-broad slapstick — a style that pays off in the whimsically entertaining prologue, then lacks ingenuity thereafter. The real cliffhanger is how much of your bat-time you’ll cede before changing the bat-channel.

Try as the producers might to cobble the individual eps into a functional feature, it just doesn’t work in the more demanding format of cinema — even the semi-spoofy kind. Prestige TV, Pauline ’67 was not. Adam West’s Batman influence notwithstanding, this flick lands amid the female-fronted, spy-fi likes of Fathom, Modesty Blaise and Deadlier Than the Male. As with Pauline, each is a sexed-up send-up of pre-existing IP … and we know how those turned out: best viewed via their posters. —Rod Lott

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