Having second thought about getting a vasectomy? Watch Orphan and you’ll be reaching for the kitchen scissors and a hand mirror before the third act. It’s not like there’s a dearth of evil-kid suspensers, but the girl at the center of this one could turn you into a misogynist.

Her name’s Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman), a 9-year-old girl from Russia adopted by a lesbian couple — oh, that’s Peter Sarsgaard, you say? My bad! — a married couple grieving over the sudden death of their third baby. Kate (Vera Farmiga) is a recovering alcoholic; she and hubby John (Sarsgaard) have a deaf daughter and an asshole son, so adding a cold-blooded killer to the mix seems like a natural move.

Esther’s warming-up period includes watching John bend Kate over the kitchen counter. Kate tries to explain: “They want to show that love, they want to express it.” Replies Esther, “I know — they fuck.” (Art Linkletter, you were so correct!) Before long, the girl is breaking legs, killing nuns, destroying marriages, setting fires, playing the piano even though she said she couldn’t — is there no end to her reign of terror?

By-the-numbers it may be, Orphan is at least well-made mediocrity by House of Wax director Jaume Collet-Serra, and Farmiga seems not to realize this is a Dark Castle release — she acts the hell out of the thing as if AMPAS voters might be sniffing around on accident. Its biggest mystery isn’t what made Esther the pigtailed bitch that she is, but: 1) who thought that twist would work, and 2) why is this thing over two hours long? Why, God, why? —Rod Lott

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In a premise so sleazy you’d expect it to be rated X, Stealing Candy has three ex-cons plot to kidnap glamorous but prudish movie star Candy Tyler, and force the busty blonde to have sex on the Internet in a one-time-only event so they can net millions.

The bad guys are played by Daniel Baldwin, Coolio and Alex McArthur (aka the fat one, the black one and the one who’s aging so poorly he looks like Jan Michael-Vincent). McArthur is the mastermind, recruiting prison buddy Coolio to help with the forced entry (of Candy’s house, mind you) and Baldwin to handle the technical end of things, which entails lots of really fast typing and making lines of code scroll onscreen.

Candy (luscious Jenya Lano), who has a no-nudity clause in her contract, agrees to, um, perform, but only to save her life. When it comes time for the big bang, the movie actually delivers the goods. And when the netcast is over and $13 million sitting in an offshore account, alliances are tested, secrets are revealed, tables are turned and Lano’s breasts go back in her bustier.

Lano’s no great shakes as an actress, but in the shaking department, she’s tops! In other words, she’s teasingly voluptuous enough to make the movie work. At one point, Coolio tells Lano she has the nicest “tits and ass I seen in a long time,” and it’s hard to argue. Without her, the movie would just be another turd on one of the lesser Baldwin brothers’ résumé.

I’m not sure Baldwin is playing a simpleton or if he simply is a simpleton; it’s too close to call. But I’m pretty sure Coolio is playing himself, and doing so terribly; every line is delivered in that macho rap-video posturing solely to convince us he’s a hardcore thug. You’re not — your name is Coolio, for crying out loud.

It’s effectively directed by Mark L. Lester (whose big-budget days of Commando and Firestarter are long gone), making for a no-brainer nugget of death and D-cups worth your meager four-dollar investment. —Rod Lott

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Although dated, AIP’s nuclear-family thriller Panic in Year Zero! still resonates today, and is a good candidate for remake status.

Ray Milland (who also directs), his wife and two kids are on their way to a fishing and camping trip when their hometown of Los Angeles is hit with a nuclear bomb. Civilization quickly breaks down, with price gouging and looting abound. Milland struggles to keep his family alive amidst the chaos, even though he has to clock the occasional gasoline attendant, set innocent people’s cars on fire or hold up a hardware store to do so.

Eventually, they find relative peace and quite in a cave, but it is short-lived, as their situation soon spirals into rape and murder. Milland spends the movie barking orders to son Frankie Avalon and rarely takes off his hat and suit, despite the apparent end of the world.

But he’s awesome, just as he was in other AIP greats of the time, like X – The Man with X-Ray Eyes. And despite all its moments of implausability, Panic is solid B-moviemaking, delivering thrills on a tight budget. Plus, it’s hard not to think about our world’s current situation and wonder what you would do under the same circumstances.

I’d at least ditch the tie. —Rod Lott

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Taking its inspiration from a line of a poem I’m not pretentious enough to have memorized in my academic career, Burning Bright pits Briana Evigan and a grade-school Rain Man against a tiger. Trapped in their house. During a hurricane. Seriously.

But wait! It all makes sense within the context of the picture, one which is actually quite suspenseful and something of a buried gem.

With her mom dead by suicide, Kelly (Evigan) may have to postpone college until she can afford to put her autistic little brother, Tom (Charlie Tahan), in a home. Their sleazy stepfather, Johnny (Garret Dillahunt), blew all their bucks on a vicious tiger he bought from Meat Loaf (Meat Loaf) for a tourist zoo he wants to open.

Johnny boards Kelly and Tom inside because of the oncoming storm and heads to the bar … but not before letting his new purchase slip inside, too. ZOMG KITTEH!!! Thus begins a half-literal game of cat-and-mouse that shouldn’t be able to sustain itself for more than an hour, yet does.

Making that feat all the more impressive is that this is only the second film from director Carlos Brooks, who has a great eye for framing and a Hitchcockian gift for building tension. It helps that he used a real, honest-to-God, big-ass-toothed tiger, whereas most filmmakers would’ve gone the easy route with letting the tech guys add one later with … I dunno, MacPaint or whatever it is they use. —Rod Lott

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If you happen to be a member of my demographic, chances are the words “Charles Grodin,” “sexy blonde” and “diamond heist” lead you to think of only one movie. Yes, The Great Muppet Caper is awesome and probably the best example of the Muppets’ cinematic oeuvre. That said, it turns out those very same words can be applied to another film — you just have to imagine Candice Bergen in the place of Miss Piggy.

11 Harrowhouse stars Grodin (who also scripted) as a small-time diamond broker who is hired by Trevor Howard to buy and cut a stone worth $1 million. His entry into the big time is cut short, however, when he and his wealthy, widowed girlfriend, Bergen, are robbed before they can deliver the jewel.

Unwilling to accept her help to pay back the money he owes, Grodin decides to relieve John Gielgud and the market-controlling “System” of their hidden stash of diamonds, with the help of a cancer-stricken James Mason and a painted cockroach.

As directed by Aram Avakian, 11 Harrowhouse moves with a confident, restrained sophistication currently absent in present-day productions. Grodin’s work on the script is clearly evident in his character’s narration and the film’s dry, but often hilarious humor (Bergen especially benefits from the lines she’s given). The heist itself is simple, but ingenious, and bears better scrutiny than those found in similar films.

A genuine underrated classic, this is the kind of movie that keeps you smiling hours after it has ended. —Allan Mott

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