Like you, I’m always up for a good — or even a bad — holiday horror show, no matter the time of year. At 40 minutes total, though, The Twelve Slays of Christmas amounts to an extended commercial for Full Moon merch. And if there’s anything Charles Band loves more than tiny toys, it’s shilling them.

On their way to a winter carnival, three young women (Full Moon vets Cody Renee Cameron, Lauren Nicole Smith and Dare Taylor) experience car trouble in a snowstorm and seek refuge at the nearby Full Moon Manor, home to Ignatius (Tom Fitzpatrick, Insidious: Chapter 3), an old man who looks like Chris Elliott in Scary Movie 2. To pass the time, he reads to them from a Yuletide Tales of Terror book.

Presumably, the tome numbers a dozen chapters, each allowing this repurposed anthology to cut to clips of death from the Full Moon catalog. For example, from Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, the titular cookie fucks a puppet, then chainsaws a puppeteer. From Subspecies, you get the hot-dog fingers of vampire Radu. From Evil Bong and Baby Oopsie to many Puppet Master sequels, the entries have zip to do with Dec. 25, unless your family traditions entail burning babies, puked leeches and sex with Nazi commanders.

Nothing against clip shows, but Ignatius’ “stories” are more montage than anything. It came upon a midnight clear that Twelve Slays is a lazy, shameless bid to move memorabilia outta Band’s storage unit. —Rod Lott

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Few slasher villains bear weaker origin stories than Mark, the killer of Hollowgate: As a child, he was nearly drowned by his alcoholic dad for lackluster apple-bobbling skills at a Halloween party.

Ten years later, to say the adult Mark (Addison Randall, Hard Vice) is an antisocial creep is an understatement, what with all his killing a girl for refusing a date and exploding a bully with flaming panties. Rather than lock Mark up, our exemplary justice system releases him to the care of his wealthy grandmother at her Hollowgate estate.

The next 10/31, en route to a party, two young couples stop for “submarine sandwiches” and a $9 sparkle wig. In exchange for the latter, which they can’t afford, the four agree to deliver 12 costumes to Hollowgate. See, Mark’s throwing a shindig of his own; all he needs are attendees, because being freshly murdered, Grandma can’t make it.

With this, one-time writer/director Ray Dizazzo gives his flick’s felon a good-enough gimmick: As the college-aged kids attempt to penetrate the mansion’s electrified perimeter for escape, Mark dons a different costume — soldier, cowboy, doctor and, um, fancy fox hunter — for each individual kill. (One involves a farm combine so slow-moving, of course the Dumb Hot Girl stands in front of it, ensuring doom.) Adopting the proper accent and (occasionally racist) vocabulary with every change, Mark’s a regular Pistachio Disguisey!

In his first of almost two dozen collaborations with PM Entertainment producers Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi, Randall delivers an off-his-meds performance that’s a tour de force of, well, something. I know this much: I love his commitment. He tears into the material like an unneutered puppy to any stuffed toy concealing a squeaker.

Nearly matching his intensity is Richard Dry, 25% of the beleaguered victim pool. Resembling third runner-up in a Lewis Skolnick lookalike contest, Dry boasts a voice in the David Schwimmer octave (minus the timing) as he plays agitation and hysteria like a Juilliard monologue (minus the practice).

Hollowgate deserves status as a Halloween perennial specifically because of its shoddiness and a beguiling, complete misread of human behavior. For those who paid attention, Mark gets to use only four rented costumes, leaving eight others untouched. Legacy sequel, Mr. Dizazzo? A man can dream of things other than those submarine sandwiches. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.