All posts by Rod Lott

Jekyll (2007)

Britain’s Jekyll may be the best movie never made of Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because it was actually a made-for-television miniseries. The BBC six-parter is a true reinvention of both concept and character, making for a most unpredictable ride.

Front and center is James Nesbitt (Match Point) as Jekyll, a doctor who’s keeping quite the secret from his lovely wife (Gina Bellman, TV’s Leverage) and their two sons. He’s spending time with another lovely, younger woman (Michelle Ryan, TV’s Bionic Woman). Oh, they’re not having an affair — he’s hired her to keep him and everyone else safe from his other, not-better half, the lecherous, fanged gadabout who calls himself Hyde.

But this is not the Jekyll/Hyde tale you’ve seen dozens of times before, unless there’s one I don’t know about where Hyde kills a lion, tosses the supposed king of the jungle onto the van of his would-be captors, and then sings a spirited round of the “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” while standing atop the zoo’s caged den. Not a one of its six hours is a repeat of any before it.

In fact, what begins as a suburban horror story flips its switch into sci-fi mode as the high-tech conspiracy against Jekyll grows deeper and his origins are told in time-tripping fashion. Nesbitt plays both sides of the coin to excellence; his Hyde is a saucy, sexually charged ball of confidence and venom, giving the show a darkly comic veneer. The epic comes from the diabolically creative mind of Steven Moffat, who more recently took the same purists-be-damned, start-from-scratch approach to the world’s greatest detective with the BBC’s brilliant Sherlock. No shit! —Rod Lott

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Black Cobra Woman (1976)

Black Cobra Woman isn’t so much a film as it is 95 minutes of Black Emanuelle startlet Laura Gemser disrobing and hopping into bed with random people, regardless of gender, race, color or creed. It’s not for nothing this is also known as Emanuelle Goes Japanese.

Gemser works in Hong Kong as a dancer at a club, and her act involves gyrating suggestively with a live snake. This so entrances filthy rich businessman Jack Palance that he meets her the next day and asks her to move in with him, despite just being told that he gives her the heebie-jeebies. But he wants her company because, he says, “It’s lonely. And I like your scent.” (Hey, in a film like this, who doesn’t?) She relents until her jealous Asian boyfriend slaps and then dry-humps her (while wearing all of his three-piece suit). Then she’s gladly Jack’s new roomie. As the tagline goes, “How much snake can one woman take?”

Don’t expect wacky, Three’s Company-style shenanigans, because the rest is pretty much full-frontal Gemser, as she sleeps with women, showers with them, gets massaged alongside them with phallic instruments and even “helps” one put on her bathing suit and is practically hypnotized by the sight of the girl’s trim-needy beaver. To make up for the lack of story (and perhaps slightly justify the title), a couple of naked chicks are fatally bitten by snakes.

Given that it has some awkward edits — oh, and that it’s directed by porn’s Joe D’Amato — I’m convinced a harder, pervier version exists out there. It’s fairly pointless, but so blatantly prurient that its shortcomings don’t sink it entirely. —Rod Lott

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The Ape Man (1943)

The Ape Man tries for straight horror, but yields more laughs, albeit all unintentional. Directed by the notorious William “One-Shot” Beaudine (Billy the Kid vs. Dracula), it stars Bela Lugosi as a renowned gland expert whose bizarre experiments have led him into hiding in his secret basement laboratory.

It seems he’s turned into a half-man/half-ape and sleeps in a cage with his trusty gorilla (one of the worst monkey suits the screen has seen). He doesn’t really look ape-like at all, resembling Grampa Teen Wolf more than anything else. Wishing to reverse his condition, Lugosi craves the fresh spinal fluid of the newly dead. He and his gorilla pal roam the streets at night so the ape can do the killing for him. A bunch of nosy reporters try to figure out who’s behind it all before more bodies are slain. Even at 64 minutes, it takes its damn sweet time getting there.

This is the kind of dreck that likely led Lugosi straight to Smack Central. But the worst (and yet best) thing about it is the end, when our hero reporter and his gal pal shutterbug look over at the creepy guy who’s been peering in windows the whole time (and looks like Conan O’Brien with a chromosome deficiency) and ask, “Hey, who are you?” The creepy guy turns to the camera and says, “Who, me? I’m the author of the story! Screwy idea, ain’t it?” and then rolls up his car window, on which is shoe-polished “THE END.”

You got that right: screwy, indeed! —Rod Lott

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Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

Disney had two high-profile, big-budget underperformers in the summer of 2010: The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Alfred Molina has supporting roles in both, making me think he and Disney have hatched some sort of punch-card deal. In Prince, he’s the swarthy sheik who serves as comic relief, with lines like “Did you know ostriches have suicidal tendencies?” and “Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?”

The latter could be asked of the movie, which, like producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, tells very little story for a long feature. Based on a series of video games, Prince stars oft-shirtless and miscast Jake Gyllenhaal as Dastan, the titular royal himbo framed for the death of his father, the king — by poisoned robe, no less!

Dastan flees with Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) across the desert and encounter ostrich races, deadly snakes and guys with gloves that shoot spikes. He is quite the ace at hopping rooftops, performing rope tricks, and smiling and grunting. Whenever he effs up, he unleashes some magic sand in his magic dagger which reverses time for several seconds, resulting in a cool effect whose cost could keep Third World countries flush in white rice for years.

Between noisy action scenes of mild interest, boredom reigns and traipses a kajillion-dollar path of predictability. Likely under threat of death and/or contractual obligation, director Mike Newell utilizes Bruckheimer’s trademark golden hue, which always bugs me since I first saw it on Saturday-morning cereal ads. Those didn’t have Arterton, however, but even her stunning beauty isn’t worth weathering the sandstorm. —Rod Lott

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Surviving the Game (1994)

If you ever have a Fuck Whitey Film Festival, be sure to include Surviving the Game, a Most Dangerous Game update for the moviegoer who has both Men’s Journal and Soldier of Fortune sitting on his toilet tank.

Down on his luck following the death of his dog and an old coot he went Dumpster diving with, an overly dreadlocked homeless man (Ice-T) is hired by Rutger Hauer to be a hunting guide for him and his friends. The other hunters include Gary Busey, John C. McGinley and F. Murray Abraham, each tripping over the other in a rush to give the worst performance.

After an initial night of bonding in the cabin over a pork dinner — during which Busey repeatedly plays with a disembodied pig’s head, and you wonder if that was scripted — Ice-T gets a rude awakening (literally) as he learns he — not wild animals — is the intended prey. Despite the miles and miles of forest around them and not having hunting dogs, they always manage to know right where he is. After running for a while, Ice-T decides to turn the tables on them, and you can pretty much guess what happens from there. It involves little more than rock-throwing, rigging vehicles, jumping from trees and uttering bad quips.

Nutjob Busey has the film’s unintentionally greatest scene, giving a long speech about the time he wrestled a dog to the death, and he can’t get through a line of dialogue without throwing in an onomatopoeia. As Abraham’s son, William McNamara screams like a girl through the entire thing. The entire film is a hokey mess, with an utterly abbreviated ending (and unfortunately drawn-out beginning). —Rod Lott

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