Third time’s the harm — again — with Paranormal Activity 3, another prequel to a prequel. (In real math, then, this is Paranormal Activity Negative 2.) Rather than pick up where 2 left off, franchise-fresh directors Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman (Catfish) have turned back the clock to tell the heretofore hinted-at story of that thing that happened that one time to sisters Katie and Kristi when they were little. Holy shit, girls, do you remember that?
Lemme take you there: It was the ’80s. Your mom, Julie (Lauren Bittner) had big hair, a secret stash of pot and a new husband who looked like a douche because he never shaved. His name was Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) and he made wedding videos for a living, so it was only a matter of time before he tried to bang your mom on tape. On VHS, even. Classy.
And you two started complaining about weird things happening, and Dennis set up a couple of totally sweet camcorders ’round the house to see what was what. (Even I gotta admit, rigging the cam on the oscillating fan’s base was ingenious.) And boy, did his DIY spirit pay off! The house had its own invisible demon — Toby, his name was, and he didn’t like to be called fat — who moved objects askew and had this cool trick he liked to do where people would fly across the room like puppets who suddenly had their strings yanked.
The same description could apply to viewers, who lap these Paranormal movies up. For all their simplicity, however … well, dammit, I really admire their simplicity! Whereas so many studios spend millions on special effects, Joost and Schulman literally freak us out with a bed sheet. A bed sheet.
Also, I just find Katie Featherston to be crazy hot. That is all. —Rod Lott
Long after the 
Thor doesn’t even really act like the Thor of the comics. He acts like Fabio after a week’s training of Hooked on Phonics. Posing and winking like a pro wrestler, he walks around shirtless, downs gallons and gallons of beer, and greets visitors to Banner’s apartment by asking, “Why must you pound on my door with such insolence?” This is where you know director Nicholas Corea wanted to hit the button on the mixing console marked “LAFF TRACK.”
Cage is Joe, one of those expert hit men of the movies: He doesn’t miss, but he’s getting too old for this shit. Instead of killing strangers on a freelance basis, he wants to meet someone and settle down. While on assignment in Bangkok, Joe meets Fon (Charlie Yeung, 
The inconvenience is merely step one of a trio’s ace home-invasion plan. This assault on precinct pretty-boy is made unnerving because the three perpetrators each sport a different mask; according to the credits, their names are Dollface, Pin-up Girl and Man in the Mask. That latter moniker doesn’t do him justice, as he wears a burlap sack with eyeholes and a painted smile. (Pin-up Girl’s facial disguise is particularly creepy; just ask my kids since I was sent one with the review copy. Yes, I am a horrible parent, but I cannot resist a laugh at their piss-their-pants expense.)