All posts by Rod Lott

Amer (2009)

If you have a hard-on for the works of Mario Bava and Dario Argento, you’ll love Amer, a quasi-anthology French film that pays tribute to those Italian masters. While the giallo celebration’s title translates to “bitter,” Amer is oh-so-sweet, a thrilling debut from filmmakers Hélenè Cattet and Bruno Forzani. Does it hurt that it contains the best visual representation of an orgasm I’ve ever seen? Aucun.

The movie is comprised of three chapters in the life of Ana, first as an only child (Cassandra Forêt) who lives in a lakeside mansion with her parents and an elderly housekeeper they suspect of being a witch. Told with an array of eyeballs and keyholes in extreme close-ups, it’s the most overtly horror portion, imparting a strong, unsettling vibe reminiscent of the “Drop of Water” segment from Bava’s Black Sabbath.

The middle (and shortest) part of Amer finds Ana as an adolescent (Charlotte Eugène Guibbaud) with bee-stung lips and a budding sexuality that threatens to turn into danger, as she accompanies her mother (Bianca Maria D’Amato) on a walk into the dizzying, labyrinthian cobblestone streets of the nearby village. By the final tale, Ana is a full-blown gorgeous woman (Marie Bos) returning to her childhood home now abandoned and in disrepair … and complete with one of those black-gloved, razor-wielding psychos on the grounds.

If the music score sounds spot-on, it should, sporting ’70s cuts from Ennio Morricone, Bruno Nicolai and Stelvio Cipriani, putting it squarely at the head of the class of giallo grad school. Amer may baffle those whose viewing habits don’t cross oceans, but I found it absolutely absorbing and fascinating — the art film at its most accessible. Take a stab at it. —Rod Lott

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Space Thing (1968)

Call this softcore entry Star Whores or Fuck Rogers. Described by its very own producer, David F. Friedman, as “the worst science-fiction movie ever made,” Space Thing is so no-budget, its opening credits are painted on naked breasts (including the ever-dubious “written by Cosmo Politan”). Not that you’ll be complaining.

Our hairy-backed hero, James, is an avid sci-fi reader, much to the dismay of his horny wife. After she convinces him to make love, he drifts off to sleep and dreams he’s an alien, disguised as a human, in the year 2069 (natch) aboard a spaceship filled with intergalactic honeys and ruled by the lesbian Capt. Mother, who looks an awful lot like Rose McGowan.

The plot — James wants to stop them from reaching a California desert, oops, I mean far-off planet — is simply an excuse to allow the various and numerous sexual couplings. Strangely, the women (one of whom is named Portia — a Shakespearean reference, perhaps? Nah!) are allowed to fully disrobe, but the guys keep their pants on and simply do a lot of rolling around. Capt. Mother even gets her groove on with another girl and wields a stinging whip to another.

Something Weird Video’s special edition includes the original trailer — which tastefully references one sequence as “planet of the rapes” — as well as a gallery of Friedman advertising art and two future-themed short subjects, one involving a giant robot butler. —Rod Lott

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Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

Third time’s the harm — again — with Paranormal Activity 3, another prequel to a prequel. (In real math, then, this is Paranormal Activity Negative 2.) Rather than pick up where 2 left off, franchise-fresh directors Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman (Catfish) have turned back the clock to tell the heretofore hinted-at story of that thing that happened that one time to sisters Katie and Kristi when they were little. Holy shit, girls, do you remember that?

Lemme take you there: It was the ’80s. Your mom, Julie (Lauren Bittner) had big hair, a secret stash of pot and a new husband who looked like a douche because he never shaved. His name was Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) and he made wedding videos for a living, so it was only a matter of time before he tried to bang your mom on tape. On VHS, even. Classy.

And you two started complaining about weird things happening, and Dennis set up a couple of totally sweet camcorders ’round the house to see what was what. (Even I gotta admit, rigging the cam on the oscillating fan’s base was ingenious.) And boy, did his DIY spirit pay off! The house had its own invisible demon — Toby, his name was, and he didn’t like to be called fat — who moved objects askew and had this cool trick he liked to do where people would fly across the room like puppets who suddenly had their strings yanked.

The same description could apply to viewers, who lap these Paranormal movies up. For all their simplicity, however … well, dammit, I really admire their simplicity! Whereas so many studios spend millions on special effects, Joost and Schulman literally freak us out with a bed sheet. A bed sheet.

Also, I just find Katie Featherston to be crazy hot. That is all. —Rod Lott

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The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988)

Long after the Incredible Hulk television series had ended, NBC revived the Hulk with a string of comparably silly made-for-TV movies, the first of which was, naturally, The Incredible Hulk Returns. Still a lonely soul, Bruce Banner (Bill Bixby) is on the verge of finishing a project that he believes will cure him of his unfortunate Hulk-outs. But just when he’s about to fire up the machine and change his life for the better, he’s interrupted by some curly haired nerd from his past, who tells him of a polar expedition he recently undertook, where he found an ancient hammer that allows him to summon Thor (Eric Kramer). Got that?

Why would this dork think to track down the presumed-dead Banner to tell him all this? Never you mind, because he shows Banner a demo, and sure enough, here comes Thor (looking less like Thor than Vincent D’Onofrio’s car mechanic in Adventures in Babysitting), who proceeds the wreck the shit outta Banner’s anti-Hulk contraption. Oh, the irony!

Thor doesn’t even really act like the Thor of the comics. He acts like Fabio after a week’s training of Hooked on Phonics. Posing and winking like a pro wrestler, he walks around shirtless, downs gallons and gallons of beer, and greets visitors to Banner’s apartment by asking, “Why must you pound on my door with such insolence?” This is where you know director Nicholas Corea wanted to hit the button on the mixing console marked “LAFF TRACK.”

It just sorta ends after the climactic scene of the Hulk (Lou Ferrigno) and Thor working together to pull down a helicopter. Then Banner hits the road again, only to resurface in the following year’s misleadingly titled The Trial of the Incredible Hulk. —Rod Lott

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