All posts by Rod Lott

Guyana: Cult of the Damned (1979)

guyanaWTFStuart Whitman is the Rev. Jim Jones in Guya … wait, what? Okay, if you say so.

Take two.

Stuart Whitman is the Rev. Jim Johnson in Guyana: Cult of the Damned!

Yes, the inch-high-eyebrowed Treasure of the Amazon star plays the real-life deranged and delusional cult leader who convinced nearly 1,000 of his followers to commit mass suicide by drinking poisoned Flavor Aid in 1978. Dubbed “the Jonestown Massacre,” the tragedy quickly beget two screen adaptations. Hollywood went prestigious with the 1980 telefilm Guyana Tragedy, for which Powers Boothe won the Emmy; Mexico, however, struck sooner with 1979’s Cult of the Damned (aka Guyana: Crime of the Century), for which Whitman won … well, nothing, but maybe he got to keep his character’s omnipresent, They Live-style sunglasses? One can dream!

guyana1Hey, at least Whitman’s film, with Tintorera: Killer Shark’s René Cardona Jr. at the helm, played theaters. It aimed for pure exploitation, which might be why its subject is named Johnson instead of Jones. (Make no mistake: He’s totally playing Jim Jones.) Whatever the reason, Cult of the Damned opens in San Francisco as Jones Johnson preaches fire and brimstone from the pulpit. Clad in all-white, cape included, he hammers and yammers for six minutes before unveiling visual aids: a map of South America, with which his parishioners kinda need to familiarize themselves, since he’s just all but ordered them to ditch their possessions and move there to live and work at the Jonestown Johnsontown compound, as God supposedly has instructed. (Disclaimer: The Lord does not appear in this motion picture. But The Munsters’ Yvonne De Carlo does.)

Ostensibly, Johnsontown is established as a farming community, yet the only crops his highness seems interested in yielding are human slavery and total submission. Disobey and there’s hell to pay … and shock value for viewers. For instance, a man who attempts to leave finds his back whipped to bloody shreds. A little boy who swipes food from the kitchen is tied to the ground and tortured with live snakes, while an accomplice is strapped to a wooden contraption and dunked underwater. A young man caught fornicating with his girlfriend must endure rape by a big, scary black man Johnson hand-picks from his congregation.

guyana2That last bit proves Cardona’s trip to Guyana was charted solely for ruthless purposes. The reverend’s teachable moments might carry more dramatic weight if they happened to people we cared about, much less knew who they were, but every Johnsontown resident who isn’t Johnson is poorly delineated; Cardona and co-scripter Carlos Valdemar (1978’s The Bermuda Triangle) have sketched them so lightly, it’s as if they were created from a dot-to-dot puzzle with four points at best.

Guyana: Cult of the Damned may “just” be a classic case of headlines-torn exploitation, yet the movie is disturbing all the same, particularly in the section focused on the ill-fated exploratory visit/rescue attempt by a congressman (Gene Barry, 1953’s The War of the Worlds). Lucky for us, either no one told Whitman this flick was a cash-grab or he just didn’t care that it was, because the man delivers a performance that goes for broke … and, yes, a plate of ham. There’s kitsch in its grip. —Rod Lott

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Mars Needs Women (1967)

marsneedswomenPopular culture owes Larry Buchanan a mountain of debt, because if not for the Texas-based filmmaker’s Mars Needs Women, what other dialogue could MARRS possibly have sampled for its smash hit, “Pump Up the Volume”? (And then, by extension, that Christian Slater movie would have been titled something generic like Teen Rebel DJ.) But Buchanan’s film itself? It’s no damn good.

At the United States Decoding Service — NASA Wing, mind you — decoders have been busy for three days decoding coded messages from outer space. These “mysterious signals” all say the same thing: “Mars needs women.” Further explanation is delivered via Dop (Tommy Kirk, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini), one of a crew of five clean-cut Martian men who have come to Houston to enact Operation Sleep Freeze, in which they will recruit (read: abduct) five unmarried, but way-beautiful women for a mission of repopulation. Exclaims Dop to those aforementioned decoders, “We are in earnest! The life of our planet depends upon this!”

marsneedswomen1When Buchanan (The Naked Witch) isn’t busy padding his 83-minute picture with so much stock footage of military aircraft taking off and landing (not to mention a loudspeaker that shows up so much, it deserves a supporting credit), he shows us the Martians collecting their prey like so many Pokémon: a stewardess, a homecoming queen, a stripper (Hip Hot and 21’s “Bubbles” Cash, per the credits) undulating like a Bill Ward cartoon in the ever-livin’ flesh.

But in the midst of their rapey plan, what would happen should Dop — gasp! — fall in love? Enter Yvonne Craig (the same year she debuted as Batgirl to TV’s Batman) as a prim-and-proper scientist. That their date takes them to a planetarium is a foregone conclusion since it allows Buchanan to make it to feature length by working in what amounts to a slideshow on the red planet. Strangely, it is more compelling than the movie’s actual story. —Rod Lott

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Blood (2009)

bloodFor 14 years, the murder of a maid in the home of a woman named Miyako (Aya Sugimoto, Flower & Snake II) has been a cold case. With the statue of limitations about to kick in, the young and not-yet-disillusioned Detective Hoshino (Kanji Tsuda, Ju-on: The Grudge) makes one last-ditch investigation effort for the sake of the victim’s still-grieving family.

Hoshino finds himself captivated by Miyako, and hell, no wonder: Asian actresses rarely arrive as sultry and curvy. (The Naked Killer herself, Chingmy Yau, is another of this rare breed.) Unbeknownst to Hoshino, a portion of his attraction is not under his control, because she’s not merely a vamp, but a genuine vampire. Practically deflecting questions about her maid’s death, the cunning Miyako points blame on a hedge fund manager (Jun Kaname, Casshern). Jealousy between the two men quickly breaks out, as do the eventual swords.

blood1Immediately, Shinobi: Heart Under Blade director Ten Shimoyama establishes a look for Blood that is dark and seductive. Peppered with bursts that action that incorporate a proper amount of martial arts without going full chopsocky, the story moves slower than it should. When the Japanese film starts to drag — and it does, inevitably — Shimoyama injects passion through several sex scenes, which are actually erotic. Certainly uninhibited in her dead-sexy performance, the gorgeous Sugimoto gets — how you say? — kneaded like bread dough. Call it gratuitous if you must, but the vampire, as it was created in literature centuries ago, was intended as a sexual creature. —Rod Lott

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The Cave of Silken Web (1967)

cavesilkenwebWhat’s in Hong Kong’s The Cave of Silken Web? Try seven spider demons, in the shapely form of sisters clad in eveningwear from the Roy G. Biv collection, with color-coordinated webs to match. Still, I could not tell them apart — a difficult task made all the more taxing by the insistence of director Ho Meng-Hua (The Mighty Peking Man) to cram the entire septet into the frame at once and as often as possible.

Based on Chinese folklore, this kiddie-matinee fantasy pits these vixens as eager to feast on human flesh, which is why they get so worked up when they see a monk (Ho Fan, reprising his role from 1966’s Monkey Goes West) approaching with three travel buddies-cum-bodyguards: a fairly worthless friar (Tien Shun, also back from West), a massively titted pig man (Peng Peng, ditto) and the ever-acrobatic Monkey King (Chou Lung-Chang, who was not returning, but came back for the next sequel, 1968’s The Land of Many Perfumes). From there, the simple story points are placed on a virtual carousel as the spider women try to capture and consume the men, while the men try to evade capture and save those not as fortunate, while also not becoming breakfast. With trick spells on both sides cast as fast as spittle flies, misunderstandings are used for strategic purposes, as if an episode of Three’s Company were infiltrated by magic.

cavesilkenweb1For example, the sisters initially attempt to lure the men into their cavernous death trap by giving it a proto-HGTV makeover — the first of the film’s musical numbers. (Oh, I didn’t mention the flick is also a musical? Well, it is.) As optical effects do their best to suspend our disbelief, the ladies sing about their dastardly plan. Here, check out the lyrics that begin this sick beat:

I’ve turned the cave into a gorgeous hall
With all these splendid decorations
Luxurious furniture
And all types of antiques
The garden is adorned with rare plants
There are boys and girls waiting to serve
It’s taken on a whole new look
It’s a deadly trap to kill them
To kill them

Game, set, match, Kanye.

Many of the effects — like the friar leaping from ground to mountaintop or Pigsy’s fruit turning into a rock mid-chomp — are achieved through the ol’ freeze-now-and-edit-later method. In rare instances, this works really well, with no moment better than the Monkey King being electrocuted into a skeleton as he tries to bust through a giant web. (Incidentally, this occurs 34 seconds into the trailer and 34 minutes into the movie. Hashtag congruence!) This being a Shaw Brothers production, a fair share of martial-arts battles breaks out, with our heroes and villainesses sparring with swords on a stick — a war of weapons the soundtrack depicts with the cacophony of your kids banging pots and pans.

Still, the sets are a marvel and the pervading wackiness translates into the near-irresistible. As arachnid chick numero whatever says, “Don’t dismiss this monkey, sister.” —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Hellhole (1985)

hellholeJust as Hellhole is not your average women-in-prison picture, the Ashland Sanitarium for Women is not your average nuthouse. It’s where Susan (Judy Landers, Stewardess School) is sent after her mother is murdered before her eyes and she suffers a head injury while escaping the killer’s nicotine-stained clutches. Susan awakens in the asylum with a classic case of amnesia, which is convenient for Landers, who always seems absent-minded in her roles. Bless her buxom heart, but she’s all puffy hair and vacant stare.

The reasons for her mom’s death? Purely unimportant, other than to keep Susan in peril even within the institution’s walls, because the killer (Ray Sharkey, Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills) disguises himself as an orderly in hopes of finding her alone so he can finish the job; if he happens to bangs a nurse and/or resident along the way, so be it. Ironically, all the Ashland patients are endangered, because within the bowels of the place, the evil Dr. Fletcher (Mary Woronov, Eating Raoul) and Dr. Dane (Marjoe Gortner, Starcrash) conduct their experimental research toward creating the world’s first chemical lobotomy. Any patient who misbehaves unwittingly serves as a guinea pig.

hellhole1To paraphrase Spinal Tap’s “Hell Hole,” the window’s dirty, the mattress stinks, the floor is filthy, the walls are thin, the nudity is plentiful. Per the WIP template, toplessness is a must of its caged coquettes, yet Savannah Smiles (!) director Pierre De Moro throws bottomlessness in there, too, to give his flick a bonus layer of ’80s sleaze. More than eager to please in the bared-breast department is Edy Williams (Russ Meyer’s Beyond the Valley of the Dolls), delivering her lines in a breathy, cue-cardy voice that makes everything sound suggestive, down to an offer of sharing soap: “Use mine. It’s hypoallergenic.” Despite her efforts to steal the show, that honor is taken by Sharkey as Silk, the chain-smoking heavy in black leather who looks like he arrived from a failed audition for Can’t Stop the Music. To continue that analogy, Nancy Walker’s loss is De Moro’s gain. —Rod Lott

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