All posts by Rod Lott

Horror

El Vampiro y el Sexo (1969)

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Leave it to Mexploitation king René Cardona Sr. (Night of the Bloody Apes) to deliver the single Santo movie with something the other four dozen or so do not have: sex. It’s even in the title: El Vampiro y el Sexo.

Although a nuclear physicist by trade, Dr. Sepulveda (Carlos Agostí, Guns and Guts) dabbles in the metaphysical. And who should partner with him on such studies but that noted scholar, Santo (Santo), lookin’ sharp in a two-piece business suit and, yes, his sparkly wrestling mask. To Dr. Sepulveda’s assembled guests, Santo discusses his theory of “dematerialization,” by which people can be sent back to their previous lives, and — oh, hey, he just so happens to have built a reincarnation time machine in hopes of doing just that. He just needs a willing female to test it, because why jeopardize a dude, right?

So off goes the doc’s daughter (Noelia Noel, Carnival of Crime) to the tail end of the 19th century, when she encountered/encounters none other than Count Dracula (Aldo Monti, The Book of Stone). Actually, he introduces himself as Alcuard; it takes her peers a hot minute to realize that’s the backward spelling of Dracula, once a professor has the outta-nowhere idea to put crayon to paper and hold it up to a mirror.

Meanwhile, back at the lab in present day, Santo somehow watches all this unfold on a TV, as big nerd/beta male Perico (Alberto Rojas) earns his stripes as a comic-relief sidekick by swallowing a whistle.

To address the “sexo” portion of the title, El Vampiro y el Sexo is the spicy version of the mild Santo en el Tesoro de Drácula (aka Santo in the Treasure of Dracula). Repressed since its limited theatrical release, el Sexo contains several minutes of Playboy-style nudity. Dracula clearly has a type: Russ Meyer’s. His victims, whom he feels up before biting their necks (“My teeth have inoculated your flesh!”), are so top-heavy, they’re anachronistic.

So much of so many mamacitas is on parade that for a while, you may forget you’re watching a Santo movie. When the inevitable wrestling scenes arrive, viewers may be whiplashed back into reality. It’s not your fault. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Comedy

Ghost Writer (1989)

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Remember when Audrey Landers was giving it a go as the next Goldie Hawn? Nope? Guess you haven’t seen Ghost Writer. (It’s no Deadly Trigger.)

She plays Angela, a writer for that hot entertainment magazine Hollywood Beat, yet she just can’t land a story to please her editor. He’s played by David Doyle (Vigilante Force), who reacts to her typewritten copy with “I wanted an interview, not a barbecue!” and other lines delivered with the kind of popped-eye faces you never want to see again.

Angela’s luck flip-flops soon after she moves into the Malibu beachfront property formerly called home by sexpot startlet Billie Blaine. Given that she died in 1962 after she supposedly “ate a bottle of barbies” (per Joey Travolta, the kind of Travolta you never want to see again), Billie is obviously supposed to be Marilyn Monroe — a point hammered home by the casting of Audrey Landers’ bustier sister, Judy, in full boop-oop-a-doop mode.

Billie didn’t commit suicide as everyone believes. She was murdered! Her ghost appears to Angela — and only to Angela, except when Billie chooses to strip nude at a club — and enlists her help in finding the man who killed her; in exchange, Billie gives Angela the scoop of a lifetime, because if there’s one thing magazine editors clamor for, it’s an unsubstantiated, unverifiable story.

Judy may not be asked to do anything beyond provide eye candy, but Audrey throws herself (sometimes literally) into the role as if she were in a classic-era screwball comedy. Kenneth J. Hall (Evil Spawn) fails her, because he wrote and directed the thing like the most predictable, most vanilla TV sitcom, making Ghost Writer another film beneath her talents. If you do watch it, look for support from Tony Franciosa, Jeff Conaway and a box of Mister Salty Pretzels. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Reading Material

The Manson Family on Film and Television

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If, God forbid, you’re anything like me, upon seeing Ian Cooper’s The Manson Family on Film and Television, you might think, “Are there really that many movies about Charles Manson to merit a whole book?”

The short answer: No.

But if the scope were expanded to include those projects that were inspired by the Manson family’s reign of terror in the summer of 1969? Well, then my answer would be a resounding “yes!” And since that is what Cooper has done, that’s a “yes,” my children.

It’s a damn good book, too, on a subgenre about which you didn’t even know you wanted to read. With a blend of the historical and the critical, of course Cooper covers the 1976 TV miniseries Helter Skelter, still the definitive pic on the subject (so definitive it forever typecast star Steve Railsback as a loon), as well as the Oscar-nominated Manson documentary from ’73.

However, what makes the McFarland & Company paperback worth the price to cinephiles is the exhaustive coverage of the exploitation industry’s various entries into the thematically related sweepstakes (although, it should be noted, the book is not exploitative). The net spreads wider than one might think, from well-known cult classics like David E. Durston’s I Drink Your Blood, Michael Findlay’s Snuff and Wes Craven’s The Last House on the Left to such lurid and languid obscurities as Wrong Way, Because of the Cats and the X-rated The Love-Thrill Murders, starring Troy Donahue.

To this day — and even tomorrow, with Quentin Tarantino’s upcoming Once Upon a Time in Hollywood set for 2019 — the Manson murders still inform and inspire entertainment, like the horror hit The Strangers and the wretched DTVer Wolves at the Door. From Kenneth Anger to Diane Sawyer, from animation to pornography, no cinematic piggy appears to have escaped Cooper’s probing pen. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Kitchen Sink

High School Confidential! (1958)

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WTFTwo years before producer Albert Zugsmith had Sex Kittens Go to College, he went undercover in High School Confidential! (Exclamation his.)

A juvenile-delinquent exposé of sorts, the film centers on snot-nosed transfer student/perennial senior Tony (Russ Tamblyn, Satan’s Sadists), who arrives at Santa Bellow High with a wad of cash and a roll of weed. As the faculty members get schooled on the ravages of marijuana addiction, Tony tries to claw his way to the top of the town pushers’ org chart, as well as into the pants of not-so-good girl Joan (Diane Jergens, Island of Lost Women), the main squeeze of BMOC J.I. (John Drew Barrymore, Death on the Fourposter). Ironically, the woman who really wants to bed Tony is his soused ’n’ sexy aunt (Mamie Van Doren, 3 Nuts in Search of a Bolt), whose home apparently came prebuilt with its own wah-wah-wah soundtrack.

Helmed by Jack Arnold (The Incredible Shrinking Man), High School Confidential! is one of those teen pics in which all the students are played by actors at least a decade removed from the classroom. It’s also quite the time capsule, with an overuse of “crummy” (second only to the narration of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye) and slang weighing down every line of dialogue, e.g., “That’s the way the bongo bingles.”

In other words, I loved it! Both the Fast Times of its day and Reefer Madness if made by skilled craftsmen, the film is a now-alien world of crew cuts, Beat poets and race-ready jalopies. Tamblyn is delightfully smug; Van Doren is off-the-charts sexy; and the ace cast also includes Teenage Werewolf Michael Landon, Plan 9’s Lyle Talbot, The Little Shop of Horrors shopkeeper Mel Welles, Charlie Chaplin sidekick Jackie Coogan and Jerry Lee Lewis as himself, singing and playing the piano in the back of a moving pickup truck and probably hoping for a Junior High School Confidential! This one’s tops, chum. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Sex

Dracula (the Dirty Old Man) (1969)

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A public service announcement: “Alucard” is “Dracula” spelled backward, which you likely already knew, and not because the opening credits of Dracula (the Dirty Old Man) tell you. But that they do is indicative of how low the bar of wit is set.

Played by this-and-only-this actor Vince Kelley, Alucard awakes (hardly elderly, but whatever) and, under the auspices of re-opening a mine, lures a businessman named Mike (Billy Whitton, Mission: Africa) to his cave and turns him into a werewolf right out of a K. Gordon Murray-presented Mexi-matinee. Now christened anew as Irving Jackalman, Mike runs errands for his vampire boss — or errand, singular: Abduct young women and bring them to Alcuard’s lair to be tied up, stripped down and bitten on the boob. At 69 (!) minutes, the sexploitation quickie basically depicts this scenario half a dozen times — lather, rinse, repeat — with none of the ladies having breasts large enough for the count’s liking.

Somehow, I have managed to avoid mentioning the movie’s craziest aspect until now. It is not that Dirty Old Man is almost entirely dubbed, but that Alucard is, for no detectable reason, now a painfully unfunny Catskills comedian (redundant, I know) in the nerve-grating vein of Jackie Mason. Even if your ears have been professionally vacuumed by an ENT seconds before showtime, you’ll still wonder if perhaps there is something you missed.

There is not. Unless you fail to notice the C-section scar on a brunette victim Jackalman dry-humps because you are too distracted watching the poor woman struggling to contain her laughter at the absurdity of it all — and that’s before his postcoital Green Stamps joke! I would not be surprised if the dialogue were crafted Johnny-on-the-spot in the recording studio, because ultimately, what is said is irrelevant compared to what is shown. This is the stuff of a men’s pulp magazine come to life, and writer/director William Edwards delivers on that: sooo stupid, yet sooo fun. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.