All posts by Rod Lott

Viva Santo and His Pals (1994)

WTFEveryone’s favorite husky Mexican wrestler with a mask, a cape and the ability to put wolfmen in headlocks like no other — El Santo, in case I didn’t narrow it down enough for you — is celebrated with this bone-crunchin’ compilation of his greatest triumphs, both in and out of the ring.

Honest talk: I started to find the in-ring footage tedious, as there’s only so much wrestling my brain can take before shuttering operations.

The out-of-ring stuff, however, gives this Something Weird Video assemblage its delirious kick: Santo fights fanged babes; Santo tackles zombies; Santo packs a wallop to a slow-moving, human-eating blob — all in scenes from such south-of-the-border exploits as Santo vs. the Vampire Women, Santo vs. the TV Killer and Santo vs. the Diabolical Hatchet.

As you may infer from the second half of Viva Santo and His Pals’ title, friends occasionally show up. One such pal, Blue Demon, joins in the creature-hunting, back-cracking fun of Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters.

If the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences ever see it fit to award Santo a Lifetime Achievement Oscar (and they won’t), the clips have already been selected, and they’re all here in this two-hour collection. —Rod Lott

Get it at dvdrparty.

A Night to Dismember (1989)

That a good chunk of A Night to Dismember’s climax takes place in daylight should surprise nobody fluent in the slasher film’s director, Doris Wishman.

Years ago, Vicki Kent (Samantha Fox — the porn one, not the music/model one) axed a couple of neighborhood boys to death. The act earned her a lengthy stay at a sanitarium. As she’s released into the real world — or as real as living with one’s parents can be — Vicki attempts readjustment to “normal” life. However, her brother (South Bronx Heroes director William Szarka) would rather she not be free to murder again, so he attempts to scare her back into hospitalization by going to the store to buy “a hideous mask.”

Also, the crudely depicted killings begin anew, which private detective Tim O’Malley (William Longo Jr.) investigates and narrates … and narrates … and narrates. The events constituting Dismember — including one death by car rollover — are told to us this way because Wishman didn’t film with live sound; even if she hadn’t dubbed everything in post, viewers still would require narration for a base level of comprehension, especially with an untold number of family tree branches thrown at us in the opening minutes. God bless her, Wishman held a unique approach to filmmaking — one in which the written word was never secondary, because it was always tertiary.

Further throwing your grasp on lucidity are shots that look to come from different stock, if not entire decades. With the occasional photograph or negative image spliced in, A Night to Dismember resembles the result of a particularly tricky filmmaking challenge — one in which Wishman either compiled the entire movie from existing footage to fit Judith J. Kushner’s script, or edited an entire movie and then asked Kushner to fashion a script around that. Honestly, the movie is so disorienting, disorganized and discombobulated, neither is out of the realm of possibility. It could use a couple of Deadly Weapons. —Rod Lott

Get it at dvdrparty.

Killer Nun (1979)

After having a brain tumor removed, Sister Gertrude (Anita Ekberg, The French Sex Murders) hasn’t been the same. She thinks she still has cancer and cries out for a syringe filled with sweet, sweet morphine. At the psych ward where she works, the staff doctors (with Andy Warhol fixture Joe Dallesandro as a newbie M.D.) assure her that her thoughts are simply stress-induced and psychosomatic, so her jonesin’ for smack is misguided. However, out of lesbian love, Gertrude’s much-younger roomie, Sister Mathieu (Paola Morra, already a nunsploitation vet with Walerian Borowczyk’s Behind Convent Walls), procures her the fixes she desires.

Gertrude’s bad behavior hardly ends there. First, she becomes so revolted by a patient’s dentures, she crushes them under her foot. This escalates to stealing from patients, and going into town dressed all slutty to sell the fenced jewelry and then copulate with a complete stranger. As the Killer Nun title promises, worst among all her sins is murdering a few patients, most notably in a cringing scene of extreme acupuncture; those with an aversion to ocular trauma, you have been warned.

In his second and final feature as director, Giulio Berruti (who edited and helped script 1973’s Baba Yaga) weaves a wavering hallucinatory narrative of a nun on the run from her own demons. It’s not an indictment of the Catholic Church, but rather an anti-drug tale, however bizarre a route it takes. There’s nothing flashy to it, and it just kind of ends, but if you’re going to dip your toe in the nunsploitation waters, you may as well start here … unless it’s graphic nudity and sexuality you’re after, because this one is rather tame compared to its sisters. If that’s the case, venture elsewhere.

Ekberg couldn’t have been happy having to don habit in a cheap Euroshocker several leagues below fountain-frolicking for Fellini, but Berruti has nothing to be ashamed of, beyond Killer Nun’s hokey title. While not high art, the movie never was meant to be; as a B-level thriller with blood on the brain, it works — perhaps as comforting as palms wrapped in rosary beads. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Hack-O-Lantern (1988)

Thirteen years after his Satan-worshipping grandfather (Hy Pyke, Hollywood High) secretly slipped him a satanic necklace on Halloween, Tommy Drindle (Gregory Scott Cummins, Blood Games) is all grown up and ready to commit his soul to the devil — or something like that — in Hack-O-Lantern.

Three things are certain:
1) Tommy’s room has a bitchin’ poster for Levi’s Cords.
2) Tommy’s mother (Katina Garner, Cannibal Hookers) hates — and I mean hates — her father for his obsessive hold on Tommy. And also for having her husband murdered 13 years ago. And also for molesting her on her wedding day before that. (I’m told those things tend to stick in the craw.)
3) So many people in Tommy’s circle are going to die today, many even before the town’s Halloween party gets started.

Open House director Jag Mundhra was kinda asking for it by titling his second horror film Hack-O-Lantern, as a name like that invites viewers to prepare for a subpar experience. Then again, Mundhra’s satanic-panic shocker is a subpar experience; his gifts were in erotic thrillers, not slashers.

The only thing more out of place than the MTV video in Hack-O-Lantern’s first half is the impromptu Thanksgiving-themed stand-up routine in its second. The latter — built upon turkey and stripper impersonations — comes courtesy of “Party Comedian” Bill Tucker. Today, the Vegas performer bills himself as “Wild Bill Tucker” and, based upon the unedited promo copy at his website, might not have survived filming unscathed:

“Wild Bill’s arsenal of urban sounds effects blended into his punch lines is rare. The sounds he makes are amazingly funny & at the same time accurately fascinating. It seems, when God was creating Wild Bill he splurged with the odd ball talents that are placed so perfectly throughout his act. Now the sign language Unique? Tucker Tap Dances to his Cell Phone Ring. Warning: Wild Bill leaves pictures in your head.”

The movie leaves pictures in your head, too, including an ass cheek tattooed with a pentagram and more 30-something-looking teens the screen has ever seen, but no image more memorable than Pyke’s ugly mug. Organically creepy even before the incest angle is introduced, Pyke sounds just like you would expect, with a gravel-gargled voice that suggests he graduated summa cum laude from the Sling Blade School of Diction. Mundhra establishes the Grandpa character as the lead, only to play musical chairs throughout, with Tommy, Tommy’s mommy and Tommy’s virgin-but-not-for-long sister (Carla Baron, Terror Night) all vying for the spot willy-nilly. Not coincidentally, your attention span may do the same. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Light into Ink: A Critical Survey of 50 Film Novelizations

Any longtime reader of our sister site, Bookgasm, now 15, knows novelizations run in its blood. I suspect for many of us, movie novelizations were among the first non-children’s novels we read for pleasure. Being born in 1971, I remember a time when such books were the closest one could relive the experience of seeing the film, outside of a re-release or random TV airing. Unlike many of us, however, I kept reading them as an adult, well into this new millennium.

When I learned of the existence of a new nonfiction book treating the subject of novelizations seriously, instead of scorn, my interest was piqued. As you’ve guessed by now, the title in question is the splendid Light into Ink: A Critical Survey of 50 Film Novelizations, by the UK-based S.M. Guariento.

While doing my due diligence, it was as if a cartoon devil and angel hovered on opposite sides of my head, respectively trying to talk me out of and into buying it:
• “That subtitle sounds so academic, its bones have been drained of marrow.” / “Nonsense, look at those preview pages.”
• “It doesn’t cover the novelizations you’ve expected.” / “So what? Expand those horizons!”
• “It’s self-published!” / “You know that doesn’t mean what it used to. Plus, so were your two favorite books from 2018: Keith Alison’s Cocktails & Capers: Cult Films, Cocktails, Crime and Cool and Howard David Ingham’s We Don’t Go Back: A Watcher’s Guide to Folk Horror.”
• “It costs more than $50.” / “True, but here’s a black-and-white edition for less than $20!”

Regarding that last “argument,” Guariento has issued two editions of varying price points: respectively, the splashy, full-color, 480-page DeLuxe edition and the more affordable Midnight edition, whose only differences are being color-free inside and sporting a black cover. Being on the fence, I opted for the more prudent choice of Midnight.

Unfortunately, I loved the book — and I mean absolutely loved it — so naturally I should have kicked myself for not going DeLuxe, right? Instead, I corrected the issue; see the difference for yourself in the sample spreads at the end of this review. Either way, Guariento’s introduction alone is almost worth the purchase price. In just under 50 pages, he gives a thorough, global tour through the history of the novelization, which dates back much further than I assumed: 1608!

What follows amounts to the meat on these bones: full, no-stone-unturned discussions of 50 novelizations, grouped among eight thematic sections that encompass the post-apocalyptic, the satanic, the speculative and even the Italian. The filmographies of John Carpenter and David Cronenberg get their own separate chapters, as do novelizations better than their source material and, finally, novelizations that stand alone as excellent fiction in their own right.

In that last group falls the unlikely Taxi Driver, a literary-minded reimagining of the film’s screenplay, which Richard Elman makes all the more chilling by writing in the first-person POV of perhaps the last character in whose head one would want to spend time: Travis Bickle. Elman’s stream-of-consciousness approach includes clipped verse and thoughts that peter out on the page, bringing out Bickle as an “angry poet in embryo,” as Guariento writes. This chapter, coming toward the book’s end, is the best argument for Light into Ink’s existence.

Remarkably, not a single chapter fizzles, each adhering to a sturdy framework of context and criticism covering not just the book, but the film itself, the assigned author, the book publisher and its various editions. In essence, Guariento is reviewing as many movies as he is books, but of most value are his comparisons of the two media: what was lost, what was gained and — since authors often had to work from early screenplays that didn’t necessarily represent the final product — what could have been. On one hand, the smash novelization of The Omen, written by the film’s own screenwriter, David Seltzer, is pretty direct, like a bar band covering a hit song with little to no variation; on the other, Dennis Etchison’s translation of Halloween III: Season of the Witch draws upon more of Nigel Kneale’s notoriously discarded screenplay than the sequel that resulted. (Speaking of Kneale, his own Quatermass novel of 1979 earns its own chapter.)

In other words, you’re going to learn a lot. For example, two separate tie-in novels exist for Mad Max 2, The Cat o’ Nine Tails and Capricorn One, all of which are covered here. One of the Capricorn books is penned by Bernard L. Ross, a pseudonym for soon-to-be-famous thriller writer Ken Follett. Guariento covers another title by an author on the cusp of becoming a brand name, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes by none other than John Jakes, as well as an already established bestseller in Christopher Priest‘s eXistenZ, working under a John Luther Novak nom de plume.

Those men, however, are the outliers. We won’t count the directors doing their own dirty work (as John Boorman and George A. Romero did as co-authors of the respective Zardoz and Dawn of the Dead tie-ins, both discussed at length herein), but most of Light into Ink’s featured names aren’t recognizable à la Alan Dean Foster, Robert Sheckley or Mike McQuay — and thank God for that, because it allows Guariento to widen his scope to the likes of Hadrian Keene (The Laughing Woman), proving not even Radley Metzger’s porn was immune to riding the tie-in train, no matter how counterintuitive that move may be; and to Phil Smith, whose interpretation of the gory monster mash The Incredible Melting Man is backhandedly celebrated as “pulp trash. … When its aspirations are so deliciously low, can we honestly complain when it achieves them?”

Which brings us to Guariento’s secret weapon: the scalpel. To his credit, he doesn’t dismiss novelizations outright, but when the books are junk, he calls them junk. However vicious his takedowns read — deliciously so — they are equally well-informed, precise and funny. I’m going to share three of my favorite examples:

• On Harriet B. Gilmour’s Eyes of Laura Mars: “There’s simply no way to make lines like ‘”Oh no!” she gasped’ read well, for example, and she really ought to have had the good sense to leave ‘Aargh!’, ‘”No!” she screamed’ and, especially, ‘Nooooo…oo…oo!’ in the comic books where she found them.”

• On Alan Radnor’s Rabid: “Radnor appears to have left the world of letters in peace, leaving behind him one baffling question: how was he ever allowed inside in the first place? Never was a bush so beaten around by a writer. Faced with a slender script, Radnor seems to have chosen simply to quadruple the word count and hope for the best. … No observation is too trite, no thought too clichéd. Taken together, the effect is cretinising.”

• On Michael Hudson’s The Case of the Bloody Iris: “Never was there a sorrier case of talent outstripped by ego. Hudson is as keen on gore as he is on exclamation marks, but hasn’t the same zeal for proofreading. The text is plagued by missing words, misplaced apostrophes and contagious italics, plus Google Translate gibberish (‘You like the closer, no?’), mangled readymades (‘All of the sudden…’), tautologies (‘Jennifer screamed. They were hysterical screams, and she couldn’t stop’), baffling imagery (‘His face was a large translucent crust’) and gobsmacking illiteracy (‘A gloved hand like what surgeons wore’). Dialogue scenes repeatedly confuse the identity of interlocutors, so that Jennifer ends up interrupting herself, and her ditzy roommate Marilyn somehow discusses her own murder, despite being dead.”

Nothing gets by him, so pity the poor transposed vowel! Whether his prose is irreverent, sober or somewhere in between (“pendulous of bosom and crude of tongue”), I simply love the way Guariento writes across these winning essays. Coupled with several hundred glorious illustrations of cover art, that makes Light into Ink a volume to treasure. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.