Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981)

Made-for-TV movies didn’t always suck. In the 1970s and very early ’80s, they were downright awesome. Just look at Duel, Gargoyles, Killdozer, Dead of Night and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark — solid, well-oiled genre flicks one and all. But the best of these spookshows was Frank De Felitta’s Dark Night of the Scarecrow (sorry, folks, but Trilogy of Terror is only one-third good).

Charles Durning headlines as Otis, a sweaty, pumpkin-assed small-town postman who’s also a closet alcoholic, big-time bigot and all-around loser. When the mentally handicapped Bubba Ritter (Larry Drake) carries the torn-up, near-lifeless body of a little girl to her mother, Otis and pals assume the worst and grab their guns.

Bubba’s mom hides him in the scarecrow on their farm field, but the vigilante mob finds him and shoots him dead. And for nothing: Bubba saved the little girl’s life; ’twas a vicious dog to blame for her bloodiness. D’oh! Just desserts arrive as a scarecrow comes a-knockin’ for vengeance, one by one. You might say they get the short end of the straw. (Insert rimshot here.)

So much of this movie has haunted me since I saw its CBS Saturday prime-time premiere at the age of 10. Nearly three decades later, it still holds up — sadly, so does the small-mindedness of its characters — as a creepy, effective slasher film, minus the slashing. You won’t miss it; this is a well-told story that gets its thrills the old-fashioned way: It earns them. This is a true horror treasure. —Rod Lott

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Macabre (1980)

Macabre is Lamberto Bava’s first solo directing credit and it arrived in the year of his more famous father’s (Mario Bava) death. The film is late giallo and lacks many of the genre’s traditional touches, but Lamberto manages the suspense well and delivers some genuinely creepy moments.

Bernice Stegers stars as Jane Baker, a New Orleans wife and mother who leaves her kids in the care of the yard man one morning so she can tryst with her lover, Frank. While the two of them are playing Ride ‘Em Cowboy, her adolescent daughter (Veronica Zinny) drowns her little brother in the bathtub. Someone calls Jane, who gets Frank to drive her home. On the way, they’re involved in a freak accident and Frank loses his head. Literally.

One year later, Jane is released from an asylum and moves into the old house where she and Frank used to meet. The blind landlord, Robert (Stanko Molnar), who has a crush on her, is glad she’s back until he starts hearing the sounds of passion issuing from her apartment as she calls out Frank’s name.

At varying points, the movie could become a ghost story, a psycho kid story, a creepy landlord story, or a nutty woman in the upstairs apartment story. Actually, it blends elements from all of them together. Unfortunately, Bava gives in to the temptation of tossing in a last-second kicker designed to shock that just doesn’t work and futzes with the story as we expect it to end. Bad move.

Filmed in New Orleans, the flick lets us see parts of the city that aren’t the French Quarter, and that’s nifty. It’s a near-miss that works for 88.5 minutes out of 89. —Doug Bentin

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Armored (2009)

Armored is one of those movies whose trailer got played so many times in front of other movies, for what seemed to be an interminable amount of months, that you feel like you’ve already seen it. And you pretty much have, although it’s still a mildly enjoyable 88 minutes — decent, but by no means necessary.

Columbus Short is Ty, the cash-strapped vet who secures a gig with an armored truck company (so that’s what the title refers to) in an attempt to set a new, clean course in life. That route appears doable until co-worker Mike (Matt Dillon, doing Matt Dillon) approaches him with an offer he can’t refuse: He and his fellow armorees (I just made that word up) — Laurence Fishburne, Jean Reno, Skeet Ulrich and that Hispanic guy from Prison Break — will hijack their own truck and make off with $42 million.

Needing money so child welfare can’t split him from his orphaned little brother, who likes to graffiti owls on their kitchen wall, Ty agrees, even though Skeet is involved. All goes according to plan until some asshole hobo has to fuck everything up, and, well, money corrupts, especially when we’re talking enough Benjamins to fund a Dillon vehicle.

Predators helmer Nimród Antal directs with enough competency to keep things slick and moving along, even when the story gives up. Short is really likable in this, which is good, because Heroes‘ Milo Ventimiglia, as a cop, is not. In his first scene, he scarfs down chili cheese dogs like he’s auditioning for gay porn. —Rod Lott

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The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980)

At the risk of offending many, I’m going to chance controversy by just flat-out saying that The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood is the best film in the entire Happy Hooker canon. Sleazier than The Happy Hooker, funnier than Goes to Washington and considerably better made than My Pleasure Is My Business (a Canadian movie that counts as an unofficial entry in the series if only because it stars Xaviera Hollander, the real “Happy Hooker,” as a contented courtesan), Hollywood is a bawdy, fun time that you should only be mildly ashamed for enjoying.

In Hollywood, Hollander is played by Hammer horror regular Martine Beswick, who was never a noted comedienne, but doesn’t have to be, since she’s the straight woman in this farce and is only required to frequently appear without her clothes on, which she does very well.

Drawn to Los Angeles to sell her life story to Phil Silvers’ troubled Warkoff Brothers Studios, she decides instead to go the independent route when she discovers that lover/Silvers’ lackey Adam West is an even bigger whore than she is. Naturally, in order to finance the film, the merry madam turns to her crew of pneumatic working girls, who bring in big profits and bigger comedic complications.

The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood satisfies because it’s a well-made film that isn’t embarrassed to be exactly what it is: a 90-minute excuse to display some truly astonishing naked bodies. That you also get to see Batman in drag is simply icing on the cake. —Allan Mott

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Drive (1997)

If released today, Drive could pass for Rush Hour 4. Coming a couple of years before the Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker smash, Drive is Rush Hour’s prototype, but with far better martial arts and someone who knows how to direct them.

A baby-faced Mark Dacascos stars as a karate expert who comes from Hong Kong to the United States. He’s been implanted with super-soldier technology that he wants to keep out of Communist China’s hands, and he’s headed for Los Angeles to sell the goods for a cool $5 million. As happens with such things, he’s followed by a gaggle of goons with an arsenal of automatic weapons. To escape from them and the police early in the film, he takes a hostage in a bar, a down-on-his-luck Kadeem Hardison (from TV’s A Different World), who serves as his reluctant partner and comic foil.

Together, they go on the run toward L.A., encountering trouble all along the way, as well as some unsolicited help from a horny motel employee (Brittany Murphy), then with her layers of baby fat and doing her caffeinated/ADD/retard thing.

Drive is so much fun that not even Hardison or Murphy — neither a reliable presence — can kill it. Directed by Steve Wang (The Guyver, Kung-Fu Rascals), this is one of those rare occasions where all the creative elements (some known for not having much creativity) simply click.

Dacascos is completely impressive, demonstrating some damned fast kung-fu moves. On the basis of this, I’m surprised his profile isn’t higher. Although strictly an American film, this has some of the most exciting and innovative martial-arts sequences you’ll see, from an assault in a tiny motel room to the climactic showdown in a space-themed bar. It’s fast, funny and full of both great little moments and big action payoffs. —Rod Lott

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