From even the most generous of viewpoints, Ninja III: The Domination is an objectively terrible film, filled as it is with poorly performed stunts, choppy editing, indifferent direction, cheap-ass special effects, bland cinematography, lazy scripting and a range of truly lamentable performances.
No rational critic on the planet would be bold enough to suggest that it is anything other than a blatantly transparent ’80s attempt to combine the popularity of The Exorcist, Enter the Ninja and Flashdance into a blandly inoffensive package that is just watered down enough to work for kids, while also satisfying moronic adults on the lookout for an impressive body count.
Thankfully, I am not a rational critic. Ninja III: The Domination happens to star Lucinda Dickey, the iconic star of Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, which is more than enough to compel me to watch it every chance I get.
How could I not? It’s a blatantly transparent ’80s attempt to combine the popularity of The Exorcist, Enter the Ninja and Flashdance! It don’t get any better than that!
Dickey plays Christine, a California linewoman/aerobics instructor who becomes possessed by the vengeful spirit of a Japanese ninja assassin who was killed in a truly ridiculous hail of police gunfire. Under the spirit’s control, Christine begins to stalk and kill the cops involved in the shooting, until Sho Kosugi arrives to drive the spirit out of her and battle the resurrected ninja one on one, because, “Only ninja can kill ninja!”
Awesomeness. —Allan Mott
Being American, you may ask, “WTF is a Lordi?” Apparently, it’s a heavy metal band in which its members dress in demonic costumes. (Think GWAR, minus the name recognition.) They’re hiding out in the hospital to kill off the humans, one by one, growling all the way.
Like Nancy Drew with a multicultural cast, the bright, boisterous Girls pits Candy mostly against the ne’er-do-wells of “Red China.” The film has her scurrying up and down a dumbwaiter, tossing a guy off a balcony to his death, and saved from a booby-trapped car from that hunk known as Murray Hamilton. But nothing is as awesome as the prologue, which finds her driving her fellow students in a bus, and practically killing them all because of a spider dangling in front of her. She swerves all over the damn road; has she ever heard of brakes?
Baio plays Barney, a teenage genius who inadvertently gains telekinetic powers when his experiments go awry. A better film might have used his odd situation to develop an actual plot, but the filmmakers behind Zapped! decided instead to just use it as an excuse to tell a series of increasingly unfunny sex, drug and bodily function jokes, causing much more sadness than laughter. It doesn’t help that the two stars have all of the charisma you’d expect from two future reality show has-beens.