Once or twice in a life span, a movie comes along that grabs your eyeballs by the lapels and kicks them right in the nuts. It’s something that, once experienced, is never forgotten. Such a movie is Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. I’ll wait while check out the trailer below to see if I’m making this up.
Back now? Satisfied?
It’s almost time for the End of Days, but before Jesus and his Old Man can crank up the Judgment Juggernaut, the junior member has to find out why the vampires of Ottawa are kidnapping and killing lesbians. Jesus enlists the aid of his two fighting Holy Rollers — Mary Magnum and the Mexican luche libre wrestler El Santo — and, as the film’s tagline has it, “The Power of Christ Impales You!”
Billed as a “kung-fu action/comedy/horror/musical about the second coming,” JCVH is one for the (rock of) ages. Directed by Lee Demarbre, the picture can’t be accused of having low production values because it has no production values at all. Non-actor Phil Caracas has the title role, and if Jesus ever looked down from his Throne of Gold at people on Earth and laughingly mumbled “you assholes,” he was probably catching a midnight screening of this movie.
As a side note, I’d never heard of El Santo, a real guy and a hero in Mexico, until I saw this flick. I was incomplete before that day. Now I’m too complete for my own good. —Doug Bentin
Which is a shame because there are several interesting points raised in the film. Especially intriguing is the question of whether or not any act can be considered truly consensual once money is added into the equation. In one interview, a model admits a scene she took part in could be considered rape, but she let it to continue and appeared in several more after it, because the money she earned allowed her to go on frivolous shopping sprees. 
It’s the last film in Britain’s 
The generous fool in me wants to believe writer/director Robert Angelo Masciantonio was going for an