The Possessed (1977)

Admittedly, it’s tough to compete with crucifix masturbation, but the made-for-TV chiller The Possessed tries its — dare I say it? — damnedest to ride The Exorcist‘s demonic coattails to the tube. Ol’ Scratch shows up at an all-girls’ school, where the most dastardly thing going on is spraying whipped cream and spermicidal foam in someone’s bed as a prank.

It all begins when a piece of paper in a typewriter catches fire. AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!! Next, some curtains flare up. AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!! Then, a girl’s graduation gown spontaneously combusts. AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!

Investigating these matters are former minister/current alcoholic James Farentino and aging cop Eugene Roche. Suspicion falls on the male biology teacher (a pre-fame Harrison Ford, basically creating the role he’d later do for E.T.) until he goes up in smoke, too. He kind of deserves it, because he’s boinking one of the students. Then again, she is the super-cute Ann Dusenberry. I’d hit that.

Anyhoo, the person Satan possesses spits nails and vomits weak cherry Kool-Aid at Farentino while the girls watch, all in a tidy yet tired 74 minutes. It looks not so much like a possessed entity and more like this one woman I know who’s a sister of a friend of mine. She ugly. Did this really scare anyone? Ever? —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

The Return of Captain Invincible (1983)

Twenty minutes into the Down Under superhero satire, you find out that the filmmakers weren’t content to merely make a failed comedy, but a failed musical as well. It’s a startling revelation that unnerves you immediately … and it only gets worse from there.

It’s a shame, because The Return of Captain Invincible has a worthwhile premise and could’ve been an entertaining effort if it weren’t for the filmmakers’ stubborn insistence on fucking the whole thing up every chance they get.

Alan Arkin plays the title character, a once-great superhero reduced to an alcoholic mess after being forced to testify in front of McCarthy’s House of Un-American Activities Committee. Now a bum living in Australia, he’s called back into service by the President of the United States to find and stop the mastermind behind the theft of a powerful hypno-ray. Said mastermind turns out to be Invincible’s arch-nemesis, Mr. Midnight, who — as performed by Christopher Lee — has the film’s only semi-successful musical number (and even here I’m probably being a bit too generous).

Beyond a lazy script, lackluster direction and horrible songwriting, the movie’s biggest flaw is the casting of Kate Fitzpatrick as the female detective who lures Invincible out of retirement. Not only is she a terrible actress, but she also has all of the sex appeal of a Maude-era Bea Arthur, which would be fine if the filmmakers weren’t constantly ripping her shirt off, having her walk around without pants on and generally portraying her as being far more attractive than she actually is.

Because of the subject matter, you might be tempted to watch this as a double feature with Hancock. Fight that temptation — with all of your will and might. —Allan Mott

Buy it at Amazon.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)

From about the only part of Fantasia that isn’t a total snoozer comes The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, an overlong Walt Disney fantasy-adventure with special effects shooting out of every orifice. Nicolas Cage essays the role of the sorcerer half of the equation; Jay Baruchel, the apprentice.

Cage is Balthazar Blake, a thousands-year-old magician for the powers of good (yet he can’t do anything about his stringy, homeless-man hairdo), while Baruchel is Dave, a New York nerd who speaks so nasally, you’d think this was a 110-minute advertisement for Breathe Right strips. He’s also the chosen one to help Blake in the fight against bad, a magician named Whorebath. Correction: Horvath (Alfred Molina).

They’re all fighting for control of something called a “grimhole.” (Can you say that in a Disney film?) Distracting Dave are his hormones; his magic wand grows for his childhood crush, bland blonde Becky Barnes (Teresa Palmer). He impresses her by playing musical Tesla coils. When she’s coming over, he has to clean up the place lickety-split, allowing the film to re-create Mickey Mouse’s ill-fated, abracadabra approach to housekeeping, but only after a shot of a dog urinating.

Apprentice reunites Cage with his National Treasure franchise director Jon Turteltaub, and you’ll wish they had made a third one of those instead. Especially when they had the smarts to cast the fetching Monica Bellucci, yet give her maybe five minutes of screen time (all clothed, at that). The only magic in it is that it comes to an end. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Confession Stand with James Best

Although his Hollywood career now dates 60 years, James Best is best known for his role as Sheriff Rosco Coltrane on TV’s long-running The Dukes of Hazzard, a role he reprised for the animated spin-off, The Dukes, the complete collection of which is newly released as a made-on-demand DVD from Warner Archive.

FLICK ATTACK: Man, you’ve done a ton of stuff. Does it bother you that you’re primarily known for Dukes of Hazzard?

BEST: Actually, it’s a two-edged sword. Naturally, I spent a lot of time trying to prove to Hollywood and the world that I was a good actor. But I can go anywhere in the world and they all go, “KEW-KEW-KEW!” It’s good on one hand; on the other, Hollywood cannot see me or do not know that I did a lot of things before Rosco P. Coltrane.

FLICK ATTACK: In a way, though, you did Rosco so well that people couldn’t see past it. In other words, you’re that good of an actor.

BEST: It’s flattering on one hand, and on the other hand, I’m really disappointed that a lot of people didn’t know I had a career before that. That’s why I brought out my book, Best in Hollywood. I wrote my autobiography and you can buy it at my website, JamesBest.com. That book’s been selling very well.

FLICK ATTACK: Let me ask you about the new cartoon collection of The Dukes. Do you have memories of making this?

BEST: Yeah, of course we were shooting The Dukes of Hazzard at that time. They called up and said Hanna-Barbera — I love cartoons, and I had never done any work for cartoons. We went over to the animation studio —  it was very comfortable — and they just gave us scripts and we went into the regular characters as we did on the regular show. I think the cartoons were on for two years, then they took them off for some reason, but now they’re bringing them back, so now there’s a new generation of young people who will be introduced to The Dukes of Hazzard.

FLICK ATTACK: Do you think the animators made you as handsome as you are in real life?

BEST: Ha-ha! Well, when you get old, you get ugly. So don’t get old.

FLICK ATTACK: At least they made you better-looking than the dog and the raccoon.

BEST: Well, cartoons are always less than flattering, perhaps, but they did a pretty good job. I have only seen a couple of them myself, but they’re entertaining, and I’m grateful to be part of something that will be introduced to the younger generation, and they can watch without embarrassment and perhaps be introduced to the live-action version.

FLICK ATTACK: You worked with Samuel Fuller in Shock Corridor. Was he insane?

BEST: Sammy was a genius. Hollywood didn’t really realize that, but his stuff was so strong and so vibrant and so colorful. It wasn’t all smoke and mirrors like it is today. He put in actual stories that he had lived through. I loved working with him.

FLICK ATTACK: What about Jerry Lewis? There’s gotta be a story there.

BEST: Jerry Lewis? That man is a genius. He can absolutely do it all, and has. I never had as much as fun in my life as doing Three on a Couch with him and Janet Leigh. It’s just a ball to work with Jerry Lewis. He’s a total professional. He has great respect for all actors, whether they’re just doing one line or the lead. A lot of people love him or hate him, but the man has raked in a billion dollars for children, so he can’t be all bad. On the other hand, he’s less than what you’d expect at times. I told him once, “Jerry, you’re five different people and I hate three of ’em.” But I loved the other two.

FLICK ATTACK: Was it more fun working with Jimmy Stewart or Catherine Bach’s cutoff shorts?

BEST: Ha-ha! There was mixed emotion! Jimmy Stewart was my icon … and Cathy Bach was my desire. As was 25 million other people who watched the show. No, Cathy’s a sweetheart. We adore her. We were all family. She was more like a sister to all of us.

FLICK ATTACK: And you also worked with Peter Bogdanovich on Nickelodeon.

BEST: Yeah, I didn’t care for him too much, to be honest.

FLICK ATTACK: Was it because he wears ascots?

BEST: No, he ate before the cast did, on a silver tray, and rode up and down in front of everybody on his white horse. Napoleon, you know. As far as I’m concerned, he did one good movie. That Moon thing. Paper Moon. That was a brilliant piece of work.

FLICK ATTACK: And your paths have crossed before with Burt Reynolds.

BEST: Oh, yeah, I worked a lot with Burt.

FLICK ATTACK: Was it true you were an uncredited co-director on a couple of his films?

BEST: Yeah, what happened is I taught motion picture technique for 30 years. Burt sat in on my classes, so he knew I knew what to do with the cameras. I didn’t get credit for my part, but I also helped with rewrites on Gator and with Hooper. I should have gotten credit, I guess, but I was very grateful to work with Burt. I made a lot money with Burt.

FLICK ATTACK: Speaking of Hooper, I have this mental picture of Hal Needham directing with a bottle of beer in his hand. Is that correct at all?

BEST: Ha-ha! I never saw him do that. We’ve been friends for all these years. Hal was a wonderful stuntman. He jumped out of a Piper Cub without a parachute onto a guy on horseback. He said, “I gotta do it again. My mom wanted to see it and she wasn’t here.” His mama came to the set and he did it again!

FLICK ATTACK: That’s crazy.

BEST: He’s crazy!

FLICK ATTACK: Who was harder to work with: Flipper or Jan-Michael Vincent?

BEST: Jan-Michael Vincent. He ticked me off, to be honest with you.

FLICK ATTACK: Out of all you’ve done, what’s been your favorite project?

BEST: Well, working with Jimmy Stewart was a heavenly blessing. I’ve really enjoyed my career. The good Lord worked overtime for this ol’ country boy. I had so many wonderful times. You can read all about it my book, Best in Hollywood. You can get it at my website, JamesBest.com. And you can get that cartoon, too! I autographed the first 500 or something like that.

FLICK ATTACK: I’ll be sure to point that out.

BEST: That’d be great. —Rod Lott

Additional questions by Allan Mott.

Buy it at Warner Archive.

Jekyll (2007)

Britain’s Jekyll may be the best movie never made of Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, because it was actually a made-for-television miniseries. The BBC six-parter is a true reinvention of both concept and character, making for a most unpredictable ride.

Front and center is James Nesbitt (Match Point) as Jekyll, a doctor who’s keeping quite the secret from his lovely wife (Gina Bellman, TV’s Leverage) and their two sons. He’s spending time with another lovely, younger woman (Michelle Ryan, TV’s Bionic Woman). Oh, they’re not having an affair — he’s hired her to keep him and everyone else safe from his other, not-better half, the lecherous, fanged gadabout who calls himself Hyde.

But this is not the Jekyll/Hyde tale you’ve seen dozens of times before, unless there’s one I don’t know about where Hyde kills a lion, tosses the supposed king of the jungle onto the van of his would-be captors, and then sings a spirited round of the “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” while standing atop the zoo’s caged den. Not a one of its six hours is a repeat of any before it.

In fact, what begins as a suburban horror story flips its switch into sci-fi mode as the high-tech conspiracy against Jekyll grows deeper and his origins are told in time-tripping fashion. Nesbitt plays both sides of the coin to excellence; his Hyde is a saucy, sexually charged ball of confidence and venom, giving the show a darkly comic veneer. The epic comes from the diabolically creative mind of Steven Moffat, who more recently took the same purists-be-damned, start-from-scratch approach to the world’s greatest detective with the BBC’s brilliant Sherlock. No shit! —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.

Random Genre & Cult Movie Reviews