Girls Nite Out (1984)

How bad is the slasher movie suckfest that is Girls Nite Out? So bad that its very existence is a paradoxical phenomenon I have named the GNO Enigma. It works like this: The plot and characters of Girls Nite Out are so derivative that the film owes its entire creation to the filmmakers’ repeated viewings of Friday the 13th and National Lampoon’s Animal House, while at the same time, the film is so incompetently made that it actually becomes inconceivable that they have ever seen another movie, much less the ones they’re so transparently ripping off.

Ignoring such traditional bad-slasher-movie features such as terrible acting, repellent characters and a script (written by four people!) that wastes a full third of its running time on a romantic subplot that is never resolved and has nothing to do with the actual story, Girls Nite Out shows a remarkable ability to fuck up on virtually every technical level.

It would be impossible to list all of them in detail, but my favorite has to be the movie’s reliance on the only three songs its producers could afford to license. Imagine watching a movie where the entire soundtrack is comprised of Ohio Express’ “Yummy Yummy Yummy” and The Lovin’ Spoonful’s “Do You Believe In Magic” and “Summer in the City.” Now imagine that a significant part of the movie’s narrative depends on the characters listening to their campus radio station, whose hip, cool-daddy DJ plays only those three terrible songs!

I’d summarize the plot, which involves a maniac killing college kids while dressed in an adorable bear mascot costume, but I refuse to spend more time thinking about it than the producers did. Don’t watch this movie. For the love of whatever deity you choose, do not watch this movie! —Allan Mott

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The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course (2002)

In space, no one can hear you scream “Crikey!” But that’s where, in Collision Course‘s opening moments, a U.S. satellite explodes, sending its beacon-equipped core crash-landing in Australia, where a crocodile promptly swallows it. CIA agents are deployed to retrieve it, unaware it’s in a croc’s belly, putting them on a collision course … with danger!

Meanwhile, Animal Planet host Steve “The Crocodile Hunter” Irwin and his masculine wife, Terri — playing themselves because that’s all they can do — spend their day collecting all sorts of wildlife for zoo research. With all his scenes framed TV-style and talking straight into the camera, Steve finds something, catches something and indulges himself in a five-minute, diarrhea-of-the-mouth treatise on the animal, whether it’s a wily snake, a venomous spider or hungry crocodile. His typical, hypercaffeinated shtick is peppered with such exclamations as “If you ever see a snake like this, DON’T MUCK WIT’ IT!”

The two “stories” converge briefly when the agents come upon the croc in Steve’s possession and he mistakes them for poachers, putting them all on a collision course … with laughter!

Actually the movie puts you on a collision course … with sleep! It’s pretty dull, livened up only by the prospect of seeing Steve have his face penetrated with poison-dripping fangs, but alas, such blooper-worthy shenanigans never come to be. No mistake about it, this is simply an episode of his TV show with a pointless government-agent wraparound, putting me on a collision course with … aw, never mind. —Rod Lott

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The Thin Man (1934)

When people talk about The Thin Man (or any of its sequels) they rightfully credit William Powell and Myrna Loy with making it a classic. As Nick and Nora Charles, Powell and Loy rag on each other ceaselessly, but — unlike most comedy couples — they do if from a place of absolute, mutual adoration. Audiences never doubt for a second that these two truly like each other. Add to that some filthy riches and the free time to solve mysteries while stinking drunk, and you’ve got a life that any couple would envy.

What often gets missed, however, is that The Thin Man actually has a damn good mystery to it, being based on a Dashiell Hammet novel. Former detective Nick Charles has returned to New York after a four-year honeymoon in California and is pulled reluctantly into a murder investigation involving a former client. Pulled by the police, the suspect’s family and the local media; pushed by Nora, who’s a little bored herself of the constant partying she and Nick have been doing.

Nick finally gives in, but he’ll be damned if he’s going to sober up to solve this thing. There are lots of suspects and plenty of motives to sort through, but Nick negotiates them all with intelligence and charm without even having to set down his cocktail. He slurs and grins his way through the case all the way to the requisite, gather-all-the-suspects dinner party at the end. Nora mostly looks on with curiosity while making good-natured faces at her husband in this one, but she gets more to do in the five sequels that followed. —Michael May

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Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye (1973)

Seven Deaths in the Cat’s Eye makes about as much sense as its title, but it’s fun to watch it unfold, bereft of logic and lucidity, provided you’re into Gothic cinematic trappings. While this one comes from the country and era of the giallo, it has more in common with AIP’s Edgar Allan Poe cycle from Roger Corman.

Blame it on the pussy.

Expelled from her all-girl Catholic school, a young woman with the unfortunate name of Corringa (Jane Birkin) returns to her family’s castle at a time of chaos and crisis, with the owners being pressured to sell it all and move away. Corringa’s ready to party until she accidentally throws the Bible into a roaring fire, supposedly inviting bad juju.

Must be true, because shortly thereafter, she discovers a rotting corpse in the castle’s underground tunnels, not to mention a caged gorilla. He’s the pet of Lord James (Hiram Keller), who’s possibly insane and rumored to have killed someone, and possibly even has the power to shape-shift. And every time the titular tabby shows up, someone gets killed, thereby putting the “ow” in “meow.”

Even in the muddy print I saw, the mood set by director Antonio Margheriti (Cannibal Apocalypse) was palpable, fueled by striking visuals more interesting than the murder mystery at its dark heart. You could do worse than having to ogle Birkin for a good portion of it; speaking of the songstress, her rapscallion lover, Serge Gainsbourg, has a small role as an investigating police detective. —Rod Lott

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Las Vegas Lady (1975)

Las Vegas Lady begins, appropriately enough, in a theme park and wax museum. But it’s not as much fun as either. I’m going to dish out blame to a mood-setting (read: mood-destroying) country-rock theme song that’s worse than any turd ever dumped onto drive-in screens by Crown International Pictures.

Said song is about Lucky, played by government-certified MILF Stella Stevens. As the tune goes, “She’s a winner and a sinner,” and the plot is only slightly more complex. In the opening moments, a shadowy figure in a cowboy hat ropes her into a job of robbing a Vegas casino of — pinky toward mouth, Dr. Evil — half a million dollars! The place deserves to lose it, because the unsmiling owner (George DiCenzo, Helter Skelter) is a real douche.

It’s a not-so-ritzy joint where the entertainment isn’t Goth magicians, killer tigers or stick-up-the-ass Billboard divas, but a chintzy circus act starring three busty trapeze artists, one of whom is sick of all the flying around. Lucky corrals her (Linda Scruggs) and a token black woman (Lynne Moody, Scream Blacula Scream) to aid her in the gig, along with Lucky’s fuck buddy (Stuart Whitman), who works security there and won’t stop asking her hand in marriage, even though she’s hot and he’s … well, like a beer gut in unkempt human form.

Ocean’s Eleven this is not, as the heist is as low-tech as the casino, which may as well have wood paneling. It’s so bottom-barrel by today’s standards that you can smell the Pall Mall through the screen. The biggest element into pulling the job off are Stevens’ pendulous breasts, which distract WKRP‘s Frank Bonner, forever endanger the PG rating, and mitigate that the big twist is obvious from the first scene. —Rod Lott

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