Sex

Sinderella and the Golden Bra (1964)

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This Sinderella story is just like Disney’s Cinderella, but live-action and with exposed B cups. Suzanne Sybele stars as Sinderella, a pretty but picked-upon young woman who basically serves as slave to her evil stepmother and her two hideous daughters.

They won’t let Sin go to the royal ball, but to her rescue comes Fairy Godfather Sydney Lassick (Cheswick from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest), fitting her with a golden bra and other grand articles of clothing. At the ball, the masked Sin has a grand time dancing with Prince David, who falls for her hard. But she stays too long and her clothes fall off, so she flees, leaving behind her golden bra and a mystery as to who she is.

Feeling sorry for his son, the king decrees that all maidens in the village must try on the bra. Whoever possesses the boobs that fit into it perfectly must be the prince’s intended princess, so he and his assistants go door to door and have various women expose their various-sized breasts and try on the undergarment. Just when he’s given up hope, the prince finds Sinderella and thankfully, it fits her tits!

This is one of those nudie-cuties that manages to make female nudity seem rather tame, if not downright dull. But you gotta love the concept, even if it is prefaced with a puppet-laden credit sequence, too-tight tights for all the men, several musical numbers (the first of which has the king sing while topless chicks play with yarn), school-play staging and Lassick playing a scene in drag, effectively putting the “fairy” in “fairy tale.” —Rod Lott

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Horror

Just Before Dawn (1981)

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Unless you’re a real horror movie geek, I think it’s probably a safe bet for me to describe Jeff Lieberman’s Just Before Dawn as the best slasher movie you’ve never seen. Why it remains so obscure is something of a mystery, since the people who have seen it tend to get very excited when talking about it, and you’d figure that their enthusiasm would be contagious, but it’s never quite worked out that way.

It’s almost tempting to theorize that Lieberman might be suffering from some sort of curse, since his often-outstanding work never has gotten him the attention he deserves. His great sci-fi/horror satire, Remote Control, has yet to make it to DVD and his most famous effort, Squirm, has the dubious distinction of being the best film to have ever been mocked by Mystery Science Theater 3000 (and, yes, I happily would say that right to This Island Earth’s face).

Combining the standard elements of the slasher genre with the backwoods horror of Deliverance and The Hills Have Eyes, Just Before Dawn succeeds thanks to skillful direction, effective atmosphere and — most importantly — a cast of likable characters whose endangerment causes us to feel actual anxiety and empathy, rather than the usual slasher-movie schadenfreude.

The plot is bare-bones simple: Several campers in search of an inherited mine in a dangerous forest find themselves being hunted by the demented offspring of the area’s requisite family of religious freaks. But the beauty of the slasher genre is that the plot is always secondary to the execution, and by that standard, this neglected gem easily ranks as one of the best of its kind. —Allan Mott

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Pre-Show Countdown

3 Terrible Uschi Digard Movies with Not-Terrible Uschi Digard Sex Scenes

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Raquel’s Hotel (1970) — Uschi runs a cheap motel, where she rents a room to an eager newlywed couple. She watches eagerly from the window outside as the two consummate their marriage. Horny, she brings the woman back to her room for some lesbo lovin’ while the husband stays behind and gets the maid from behind. Then all four get together in the same room and it’s a freakin’ free-for-all. Since all the voices were dubbed in later, this is the kind of movie where the people act mostly with their hands (or, in Uschi’s case, gigantic breasts).

Below the Belt (1971) — Quite memorably, Uschi enjoys a poolside romp in this tale of a boxer and the Mafia. She doesn’t even seem to mind the sudden entrance of a curious dog. Now that’s acting!

The Melon Affair (1972) — This goofy, harmless Italian comedy also known as, appropriately, Bang! Bang! The Mafia Gang, stars Woody Allen lookalike/soundalike Frank Corsentino in a slapstick-heavy tale of a virgin nerd who still lives with his nagging mom and dreams about sex all day. During a catering gig, he gets mixed up with the Mafia — with crazy results! Said results include a messy round of sex or two with Russ Meyer regular Haji, but for my money, Uschi steals the show as one of Frank’s daydreams, a topless nurse who smothers him with her fluffy white pillows. The reasons are obvious. —Rod Lott

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Comedy

Ape Canyon (2003)

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Sporting the tagline “The Story of Bigfoot: North America’s Greatest Lover,” Ape Canyon opens with Darcy, a Hooters waitress, reading a magazine in a tent. Bigfoot appears and starts to have sex with rape her. However, since Bigfoot is such a good lover, she falls in love with him. Her husband, Bill, a redneck who wears fake goofy teeth and sits on the toilet a lot, discovers a strange smell on her underwear and becomes suspicious. When he finds secret drawings that she has made of Bigfoot, he goes into a jealous rage and hunts down his rival, only to be sodomized by Bigfoot, Deliverance-style. As with all of Bigfoot’s “victims,” he, too, falls in love.

The rest of the movie involves Bigfoot attacking women and dry-humping them to orgasm. He also spears an effeminate runner in the butt with a stick and beats up a few guys. Some of his other victims involve a pair of environmentalists who have tied themselves to a tree. They believe that he is a nature spirit. The tied-down chick only makes the monkey love easier for our hairy friend. Bigfoot also likes to urinate on people and masturbate a lot.

A subplot involves a whiny young nerd who enjoys pleasuring himself to Britney Spears magazines. However, Bigfoot beats up the young man in order to get some masturbation material of his very own. The young man collapses into a quivering mess, crying “Why? Why?” Later, he gets another magazine and is pleasuring himself in his own room when Bigfoot reaches in through the window and steals the new magazine. “Fucking Bigfoot!” the boy cries. This is pure comic gold.

While Ape Canyon is funny at times, in the end, it is really not very good. Perhaps if it had been condensed into a short film, its poor production values could be overlooked. However, the muddy, handheld video footage gets tiresome at feature-length. Plus, the Bigfoot suit is not convincing at all — in fact, it seems to be a cheap gorilla suit picked up from a Halloween costume shop. Most importantly, for a B movie, there is a sad lack of nudity and gore. In a movie like this, I simply cannot excuse a lack of breasts. —Ed Donovan

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