Amicus and AIP joined forces to adapt Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel The Land That Time Forgot for film, mostly to good effect. The selling point here is the dinosaurs, and while they’re not up to the standards of today (we’ve been spoiled by Jurassic Park), they do deliver.

Doug McClure (At the Earth’s Core) and his twee lady friend (Susan Penhaligon, Patrick) are the two lone survivors of a peaceful ship brought down by the torpedoes of a German U-boat during World War I. With the help of some fellow Englishmen they have the good fortune to stumble upon in the fog, the Yanks overtake the Kraut sub.

But the Germans have fucked with the compass, purposely sending the vessel way off-course in the Arctic. So off-course, in fact, that they’re lost and end up in a prehistoric world … that time forgot! Said land is inhabited by all kinds of dinosaurs that attack from the ground, air and sea. They’re either puppets or men in suits or models on strings, but they get the job done.

The land is also home to a tribe of fugly cavemen with lots of hair on their backs. With them, the creatures, the Germans and the Englishmen all at odds with one another, the line between who’s good and bad starts to blur, culminating in an ending that’s rather dark, but nonetheless satisfying. Directed by Kevin Connor (Motel Hell), the movie takes its precious time getting started, but eventually picks up steam after the first third, stumbling a bit in pacing toward the protracted, volcano-erupting climax. —Rod Lott

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Former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura amateurishly headlines his own terrible Terminator rip-off in Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, written and directed by Ski School‘s Damian Lee. Ventura stars as the 11,862-year-old title character, an intergalactic cop known as a “finder.” In the prologue, he’s “finding” Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen, Mallrats), a Schwarzenegger sound-alike seeking a fertile female whom he can impregnate with his hand, and Sonia (Marjorie Bransfield, a former spouse of Jim Belushi, who cameos) has the unfortunate experience of housing the nearest womb.

Here’s the part I still can’t understand: Secundus plants his seed in Sonia to hide some “anti-life formula” that could result in the world’s end, knowing it will be implanted in the resulting child’s brain. So years later, Secundus comes looking for the kid so he can extract the formula. Why not save all the trouble and simply not give the formula away? Or God forbid, memorize it?

Anyway, wherever Secundus goes, Abraxas follows, ready to uphold the good of the universe. (Another thing: If the fate at the entire universe were at stake, why send only one guy?) Secundus isn’t above slaughtering innocents to find his child, who has never spoken a word and harbors the uncanny ability to make others wet their pants. Abraxas seems less interested in keeping the kid alive than he is in getting busy with Sonia. See, in all his nearly 12,000 years alive, he’s never so much as kissed a woman.

Ventura is no credible action hero. In fact, without his trademark shaved head and beard, he looks an awful lot like a hospital janitor or a proud member of the crew at your corner Jiffy Lube. His constant blank stare and wooden line readings make me wonder if he was faring well in his role as a steel-reinforced cyborg or simply not acting at all; I choose the latter. —Rod Lott

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