The Raven (2012)

Edgar Allan Poe, father of the detective story, plays detective in The Raven, neither based on the iconic poem nor a remake of the 1963 Roger Corman adaptation. Instead, the box-office bomb from V for Vendetta director James McTeigue draws on a handful of the master of horror’s work to weave a “what if?” tale depicting his final days.

In 1849 Baltimore, a double homicide is discovered bearing uncanny similarities to the locked-room puzzle of Poe’s “The Murders in the Rue Morgue.” At first, Poe himself (John Cusack) is suspected — then another deadly crime occurs, this one to the razor-sharp tune of “The Pit and the Pendulum.” With Poe helping lead detective (Luke Evans, Immortals) to crack the clues, the case gets awfully personal when Poe’s beloved (Alice Eve, She’s Out of My League) is kidnapped by the killer.

For Poe fans especially (provided they aren’t purists so picky about many liberties taken), the premise is irresistible, also incorporating elements of “The Masque of the Red Death,” “The Premature Burial,” “The Cask of Amontillado” and “The Tell-Tale Heart.” Cusack portrays Poe as a man whose raging ego is matched only by his alcoholism — a bit over-the-top, but more lively than the expected timid take.

The Raven‘s overall effectiveness is clouded by an elongated second act, but production design and costuming are all appropriately Gothic and, therefore, tops. McTeigue appears to have recycled all the obviously CGI blood directly from his equally misunderstood Ninja Assassin. —Rod Lott

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Beyond the Door (1974)

In the Italian-America rip-off of The Exorcist known as Beyond the Door, a woman gets pregnant with Satan’s spawn. Viewers may not be sure whether the baby could be odder than the two tots she already has: a daughter who carries a dozen paperback copies of Erich Segal’s Love Story wherever she goes, and a boy who drinks cans of room-temp Campbell’s green pea soup through a straw — not just once, but through the whole movie.

Juliet Mills (TV’s Nanny and the Professor) stars as Jessica, the married San Franciscian whose womb somehow becomes a home for a fast-growing fetus implanted by Ol’ Scratch. Assigned to guard that uterus at all costs is Dimitri (Richard Johnson of Lucio Fulci’s Zombie), in exchange for a few more years of living.

And so, much to the dismay of her husband (Gabriele Lavia, Deep Red) with the Donald Sutherland ‘fro, Jessica vomits blood and levitates and spins and twists her head and throws her hubby across the room and speaks in a smoker’s voice and nibbles off discarded banana peels she finds on the sidewalk.

With the movie’s shameless reason for existing, one expects Beyond the Door will have, to borrow a phrase from Jess’ spouse, “as much balls as a castrated jellyfish.” Luckily, it has more, and they’re filled with crazy. From a standpoint of horror, the glowing-eyed dolls’ attack on the children’s room is a highlight; from one of WTF, it has to be the husband being accosted on the street by an African-American guy aggressively playing the flute with his nose. —Rod Lott

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Reel Terror: The Scary, Bloody, Gory, Hundred-Year History of Classic Horror Films

One of the books I’ve looked forward to the most this year has been David Konow’s Reel Terror, a paperback original aiming to tell, as its subtitle promises, 100 years of horror-movie history. I cannot say that it disappointed me in offering behind-the-scenes stories on scads of classic films, even if DVD documentaries and/or commentaries have rendered most of them superfluous.

While he hits all the usual suspects — many of them the subjects of their own texts, including Night of the Living Dead to The Exorcist — it’s also nice to see due given to less acclaimed but no less entertaining flicks like Creepshow, The Evil Dead or the Hammer output.

I can forgive that the new wave of Saw and Paranormal Activity franchises don’t merit more than a few lines in an epilogue, as insanely profitable and hugely influential as they already are. I’m also willing to overlook that, unlike Jason Zinoman’s recent and superior Shock Value, Konow doesn’t attempt to thread it all together into a nifty narrative that places the films in a cultural perspective.

What I cannot forgive, however, is that the author has made an ungodly amount of errors. Either Reel Terror skipped the fact-checking and shaping processes, or — and I’m not being hyperbolic — is perhaps the worst-edited work of nonfiction I’ve seen come out of a major publishing house. The repetition alone is maddening.

Like what, you ask? Well, for instance:

On page 47, we get this quote from Twilight Zone writer George Clayton Johnson: “Rod had been shaping the idea of doing half-hour science fiction stories because that way he could escape some of the worst aspects of censorship.”

Two pages later, we get this quote, also from Johnson: “He had been shaping the idea of doing half-hour science fiction stories because that way he could escape some of the worst aspects of censorship.”

On page 181, in the Jaws chapter, we’re introduced to “Jeffrey Kramer, who played Deputy Hendricks,” and three pages later, we meet “Jeffrey Kramer, who played Deputy Hendricks.”

On page 199, while discussing The Omen, Konow writes, “Seltzer named his Antichrist Damien after Father Damien, who was one of his idols. A single sentence later, the next paragraph begins, “Father Damien was one of Seltzer’s idols.”

On page 464, Konow states that “There’s a joke in Hollywood that directors don’t want writers around once a movie’s under way, comparing them to hookers that won’t leave after they’ve been paid, but Demme kept Tally around for just about everything.” That joke must be worth repeating, because on page 508, he writes, “Unlike a lot of productions where the writer’s the hooker overstaying her welcome, Williamson was very welcome on the set.”

The author’s mistakes are factual as well. We learn that Jaws “made $7,061,513 opening weekend, which today would be $70,000,000, almost twice what The Dark Knight made opening weekend.” TDK‘s actual opening weekend, per BoxOfficeMojo.com, was $160,887,295, meaning Konow is off by roughly $126 million.

We’re told Richard Donner “had also done two feature films prior to The Omen, X-15 and Salt and Pepper, starring Sammy Davis, Jr., and Peter Lawford.” This ignores Donner’s Lolita knock-off starring Charles Bronson, Lola, readily available on many public-domain collections.

Titles just are not Konow’s strong suit, either, despite the ease provided by the Internet Movie Database, not to mention poster images galore available via Google’s image search function. John Carpenter’s 1978 telefilm Someone’s Watching Me! is correctly listed (although without exclamation mark) on page 252, but then incorrectly named two sentences later as Someone Is Watching Me. On page 258, it becomes Somebody’s Watching Me. All future instances are correct, if you forgive that pesky punctuation. Outside the book’s genre, the maternal word in Throw Momma from the Train is Mama on page 460.

And then there are the misspellings — not typos, but brazen misspellings, especially in a work on horror films. Witness:
• genre staple Lance Henriksen, credited on page 205 as “Lance Hendrickson”;
• the Child’s Play killer doll Chucky, noted on page 497 as “Chuckie”; or
• Edgar Allan Poe, appearing on page 444 with the middle name of “Allen.” I see that error all the time, but again, this is a book devoted to horror history. There should be no excuses when you’re discussing the guy who arguably kickstarted the entire genre.

It’s as if Konow did most of the homework assignment, but didn’t check his answers before turning it in. With such a public forum at stake, that, my friends, is frightening. —Rod Lott

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The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

If the phrase “hook echo” gives you a boner, The Day After Tomorrow is a movie tailor-made for you. For the rest of us, it’s just Independence Day with worse weather and better actors. As some sort of weather researcher, Dennis Quaid implores the world governments to do something about the current global warming situation that is melting the polar caps, certain to send the earth into a new ice age. The governments ignore his ominous threats, yet all over the world, strange phenomena of precipitation start to occur.

Although Asia initially gets some killer hail, the good ol’ USA bears the brunt of it, first with L.A. being decimated by multiple simultaneous tornadoes, and then flooding in New York City, followed by a huge temperature drop — thanks, hurricane! — that turns most of the eastern United States into an ice skating rink.

This is a great setup for a tragic disaster flick, but unfortunately, writer/director Roland Emmerich (2012), the 21st-century Irwin Allen, chooses to instead focus on Quaid’s attempts to rescue his son (Jake Gyllenhaal, Source Code) from the frozen confines of the New York Public Library. A perfectly excisable subplot has Quaid’s doctor wife Sela Ward (The Fugitive) act worried while tending to a hairless cancer-patient kid whose hands appear permanently glued to a Peter Pan hardback.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the loving father-son bond; it’s just that I don’t buy the circumstances the play out onscreen — namely, Quaid getting all his co-workers to tag along, risking their lives to walk across several state lines in sub-Arctic temperatures to retrieve someone who isn’t their own flesh and blood. I’d be like, “No thanks, boss, but you’re welcome to borrow my gloves. They’re Thinsulate!”

Some terrific effects occasionally enlighten this otherwise downbeat, underwritten and occasionally manipulative sci-fi reali-tale recommended mostly to Weather Channel geeks. —Rod Lott

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Teenage Caveman (2002)

For Teenage Caveman, a remake of Roger Corman’s 1958 adventure starring Robert Vaughn, talentless pervo Kids director Larry Clark rounded up perhaps the most unappealing group of what looks like malnourished, anorexic, doped-up, but well-shampooed young adults he could unearth. These teens live in a cave in a post-apocalyptic America, but when one of them kills the sexually predatory tribal leader, they hightail it toward the ruins of Seattle, but a storm knocks them out en route.

They mysteriously wake up in their underwear, in a high-tech, 21st-century compound, having been brought there by its inhabitants, an Asian slut (Tiffany Limos, Clark’s Ken Park) and her boyfriend, Neil (Richard Hillman, Bring It On), who looks like James Van Der Beek if he were a member of the New York Dolls. From here, Clark’s waste of a film becomes the making of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, as Neil and his lady introduce the innocents to the joys of shaving your pubic region in a communal bath, snorting coke, drinking Cutty Sark by the bottle and — with detailed, hands-on instruction — having promiscuous sex.

This paradise soon sours as the kids begin dying at the hands of Neil, who is really a 120-year-old genetic freak with superheightened senses. He hulks out into a large-craniumed, hairy-chested monster who runs around in silver trousers. Thus, it’s the usual Clark film: quasi-kiddie porn with amateur acting and a shitty screenplay (“You’re a looner!” the heroine exclaims at the monster), but with the added bonus of the occasional exploding human.

Just because this is the only movie you’re likely to see where the creature flips off the “hero” and screams “You fuckin’ cunt!” before being blown to smithereens doesn’t mean you should. —Rod Lott

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