Horror

Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1970)

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hatchethoneymoonIntroducing himself to the viewer, Hatchet for the Honeymoon‘s protagonist/antagonist says in voice-over, “My name is John Harrington. … I am completely mad.” He’s not joking; by the time he tells us this, he’s killed five young women already, and don’t expect that number to stay put.

Harrington (Stephen Forsyth, No Killing Without Dollars) believes that a woman should be loved once, then dead forever after. The owner of a bridal shop, he finds his victims easily and buries many of them in the greenhouse on the mansion he shares with his wife, Mildred (Laura Betti, A Bay of Blood), a much older woman who refuses to grant him a divorce.

hatchethoneymoon1No matter; he’s able to continue his raping/killing spree despite the martial bond. Only when the beautiful, promiscuous Helen (Dagmar Lassander, The House by the Cemetery) comes looking for her missing sister (Femi Benussi, Strip Nude for Your Killer) and cozies up to Harrington does his hobby face a credible threat.

In the hands of a lesser director, the “screemplay” (as the handwritten credits dub it) by Ricco the Mean Machine‘s Santiago Moncada would risk coming off as chop-‘n’-slop trash. With the masterful Mario Bava at work, however, the horror film not only delivers the expected shocks and gore, but a high level of visual artistry. Acting as his own DP, Bava (Black Sunday) treats the screen as a big, colorful canvas, and no corner escapes his eye for composition.

Forsyth excels at playing a psycho audiences nonetheless will have a smidge of sympathy for, delicately balancing the role’s mix of mental illness and black comedy. It’s a shame he called it quits after this Italian film, but at least he went out on a high note. For Bava newcomers, Hatchet is one of the more accessible starting points. —Rod Lott

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Thriller

The Witch Who Came from the Sea (1976)

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witchcameseaYoung and single, Molly (Millie Perkins, At Close Range) works in a bar. She lives with her sister (Vanessa Brown, The Bad and the Beautiful), a welfare mother of two boys who worship the sea-sailing grandfather they never met and who was lost to the waters 15 years prior. Molly’s own feelings toward her old man are conflicted; after all, he did have a sexual relationship with her.

Needless to say, Molly’s one screwed-up chick — an utterly weird woman whose dark psyche is explored in the utterly weird The Witch Who Came from the Sea.

witchcamesea1She experiences detailed fantasies — so twisted they qualify as hallucinations — of slaughtering musclemen on the beach and the shirtless shaving guy on a television commercial for razors. The first sign that there may be more to Molly’s mind games is when she imagines draining two superstar football players of their lifeblood by slicing the Achilles tendon, only to wake up the next morning and learn that the athletes have been murdered.

Director Matt Cimber is working with a higher caliber of material than he’s used to (i.e. Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold), so it’s evident to the viewer that there’s a lot going on here, even if Cimber can’t quite communicate it. He tries, but with its oblique narrative and psychological subtext, he’s in too far over his head. Perkins gives a good performance, although the script (by then-husband Robert Thom, Death Race 2000) requires her to spend too much of it naked. For all her onscreen sacrifice, the ending does her no justice, striking a dour note — and one that feels like a cop-out.

Still, it’s different, and because different is good, the psychological thriller is worth a look. Just watch out for the TV clown. —Rod Lott

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eddiecannibalUPDATE: Winner is Doug Gibson!

We’re giving away a copy of Eddie: The Sleepwalking Cannibal on DVD to one lucky summabitch in these United States of America. How to enter? Easy!

Just leave a relevant comment on any review on this site before next Saturday, Aug. 10. That’s when one lucky commenter will be picked at random to have this movie shipped to his or her door. Winner will be notified via email, so make sure the email address you leave to comment is a valid one.

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Horror

Web of the Spider (1971)

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webofspiderBachelor journalist Alan Foster (Anthony Franciosa, Tenebre) wanders into a bar late at night where that nutball Edgar Allan Poe (played by nutball Klaus Kinski, 1979’s Nosferatu) is holding the tavern spellbound with his tales of mystery and horror. Some dude mentions to Foster that no one has survived a night in a neighboring haunted castle. Apparently not understanding his odds or unaware that the man next to him is being played Klaus freakin’ Kinski, he thinks, “What a fab idea it would be to spend a night in this neighboring haunted castle!”

After strolling about the grounds for 15 minutes getting jumpy at gusts of wind and banging out a little ditty on the organ, two separate paintings come to life in the form of corset-bound beauties. Yowsa! Art appreciation!

webofspider1Almost immediately, the redhead (Michèle Mercier, Black Sabbath) announces she wants to bed him, which, seeing how Franciosa is a ringer for game-show host Bert Convy, you’d either have to be drunk or dead to do. As it turns out, the latter is true, and Foster’s just watching their deaths unfold in front of him, like a virtual-reality instant replay.

He spends the second half of Web of the Spider running from these dead people, screaming “NNNOOOOO!!!” and tripping over things. And just when you think nothing is going to happen, it doesn’t! But I will say this: It has one helluva great, ain’t-it-a-bitch ending. For the record, there are no spiders. —Rod Lott

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Martial Arts

The Man with the Iron Fists (2012)

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manironfistsIn his directorial/screenwriting debut, hip-hop musician and multihyphenate RZA also portrays, natch, the man with the iron fists. Unfortunately, the man with iron fists is cursed with a tin ear, a wooden personality,and ham-handed camera skills. That last didn’t make much sense, but you get the gist: The Man with the Iron Fists is deeply disappointing.

It’s clear that RZA is a lover of Shaw Brothers martial-arts epics such as The 36th Chamber of Shaolin and The Five Deadly Venoms. The simple barebones of his story — various warriors and assassins with names such as X-Blade, Brass Body, Silver Lion and Poison Dagger descend upon a village looking for a cache of gold — seems tailor-made for the genre, and there are enough visual cues to remind us of the greats. Sadly, that’s all they are: reminders of better movies.

manironfists1From a visual standpoint, RZA the director is all over the map, wanting the film to play homage while at the same time capturing the modern verve of Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill (another homage that does it much, much, MUCH better). Very talented martial artists are brought in for the fight scenes, but RZA always cuts away a few moments early from the money shot. You can see hints that something cool is going on, but only hints.

His skills with actors is no better; the usually dependable Lucy Liu provides a pallid reinterpretation of her Kill Bill character; Rick Yune Die Another Day) is a stiff; and RZA — casting himself as a blacksmith who supplies all sides with weaponry — is an emotional blank. There’s a lot going on plot-wise, but you’d be hard-pressed to care.

That leaves the one ace in the whole hole: Russell Crowe (Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World), as the British mercenary Jack Knife. His role is hardly better written, but Crowe, realizing the overt ridiculousness of the thing, unleashes his inner Oliver Reed and commandeers every scene with a boisterously over-the-top performance. He’s the only one having any fun, whether ripping the guts out of villains or pleasuring prostitutes underwater with the liberal use of anal beads. It’s telling that, in a supposed epic of nonstop kung-fu fighting, you keep waiting for the overweight Englishman with a knife to come back. —Corey Redekop

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