All Superheroes Must Die (2011)

ASMDJason Trost — The FP‘s writer, director and star (and probably caterer) — had an interesting idea for a follow-up: What if you mashed up Saw with superheroes? Well, you might get something like All Superheroes Must Die (also called Vs., a title I don’t like any better). Unfortunately, what you don’t get is a good movie.

Four superheroes (Charge, Cutthroat, Shadow and The Wall) wake up in a seemingly deserted town, stripped of their powers, and are forced to play a deadly game concocted by their arch-nemesis, Rickshaw. The game, one that they’re destined to lose, involves running from one building to another and overcoming various challenges with the lives of various innocent civilians on the line. If they refuse to play or try to leave, Rickshaw threatens to blow up the entire town.

ASMD1Operating on a budget of what looks like a hundred dollars and change, Trost gives it an admirable go, but the movie becomes bogged down in too many plot holes (how did Rickshaw manage to capture them in the first place?), too many unanswered questions (their superpowers are never explained), too many eye-rolling scenes (the characters have a knack for heart-to-heart conversations while their time is clearly running out) and too many seams showing (in both their costumes and the “special effects,” as in explosions being shown by an off-camera stagehand tossing bits of wood and handfuls of dirt into frame).

That’s not to say that I hated everything about All Superheroes Must Die, like:
• There’s an interesting scene in which Charge (Trost) decides to sacrifice a few civilians for the sake of his teammates. 
• As Rickshaw, James Remar (48 Hrs.) has a terrific time chewing the scenery and showing that he can out-act the rest of the cast — and all while just sitting behind a desk. 
• Cutthroat’s hot sister somehow manages to look sexy while tied up and strapped to a bomb. —Slade Grayson

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Terror at Tenkiller (1986)

tenkiller“What the hell is a Tenkiller?” asks everyone unfamiliar with the state lakes of Oklahoma. Yet one must admit the alliteration of the title Terror at Tenkiller is catchy, and few words sound as ideal a setting for a slasher movie — a thought shared by the thought-challenged college girl at this film’s well-intentioned heart.

Because the busty Leslie (Stacey Logan, in her only credit) is having troubles with her abusive boyfriend, her BFF Janna (Michelle Merchant, ditto) takes Les for some R&R at her family’s cabin at Lake Tenkiller (located seven miles from the appropriately named town of Gore, incidentally). There, they can swim, boat, fish, ski and talk to a redneck in a Beech-Nut cap and dubbed voice.

tenkiller1They also can get in some exercise by fleeing the resident killer, Tor (Michael Shamus Wiles, TV’s Breaking Bad), who plays the harmonica. (Speaking of music, the score is dominated by a cue that sounds like the Casio was unplugged abruptly each and every time.) Even if the murderer’s identity weren’t revealed in the prologue, the character’s name alone would give it away — well, that and the fact that Terror is nearly a three-character piece.

One of the earliest made-for-VHS horror films, Terror at Tenkiller is another low-budget wonder from the Blood Cult gang, this one directed by first-timer (and last-timer, in keeping with the majority of the cast) Ken Meyer. I’m guessing he shot it out of sequence, since Janna’s first bikini top is quite filled out by fake breasts, which subsequent scenes reveal as all but deflated. Strangely, that adds to its charm — free of varnish, but entertaining. —Rod Lott

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Lockout (2012)

LockoutThe setup: The government blackmails a criminal into launching a rescue mission within a heavily fortified prison. The movie? The John Carpenter classic pulp thriller Escape from New York, obviously, implanting Kurt Russell’s borderline-insane Snake Plissken with a bomb so that he’ll willingly rescue the POTUS. But also Lockout, a PG-13 exercise in taking a great concept and smoothing down all rough edges during execution, leaving it a neutered shadow of the original.

The prison in Lockout is almost a masterpiece of ridiculousness: an orbit-bound space jail full of the most dangerous convicts in existence, so there must be no need for visitors to go through even the most rudimentary of weapons searches. Oh, and let’s not forget the remarkably easy access to the solitary button that releases every prisoner at once. So handy.

So when the convicts escape (as is their wont) — the president’s daughter conveniently onboard (Taken‘s Maggie Grace, given nothing to work with) — it’s up to bad dude Snow (Guy Pearce, Memento), wrongly accused of murder, to rescue her. Cue uninteresting fights, paper-thin antagonists, a few neat moments and a motorcycle chase with such inept special effects, it looks like leftovers from a PS2-era cutscene.

lockout1Pearce is a great, charismatic actor, and it is one of the movie’s few pleasures that we finally get to watch him cut loose. He takes to the role with abandon, milking every corny one-liner and proving himself fully capable of acting the hero. If there’s a reason to watch, it’s to see him eclipse everyone and everything else onscreen. You keep wondering what it would be like to watch him in a good film, or at least a competent one.

But Escape’s true genius, and the reason Lockout barely registers as entertainment, is its anti-hero. At no time do we really think Snow to be a “bad guy.” In the end, he’s a misunderstood, huggable hero; Han Solo instead of Snake Plissken. Plissken is a true sociopath, and what drives Carpenter’s film is his and Russell’s refusal to compromise on Snake’s inherent instability. Snake never would have coddled the president’s willful daughter into begrudgingly liking him; Snake wouldn’t have given two shits either way.

Snake made Escape gritty and disturbing, pushing it from a merely neat idea into something memorable. Snow is too much like the movie he’s trapped in: all flash. Now, seriously, someone put Pearce together with a franchise worthy of his talent. Let’s get this guy a Die Hard of his own. —Corey Redekop

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Project A 2 (1987)

projectA2Director Jackie Chan’s Project A 2 doesn’t live up to 1983’s pirate-laden original, mainly due to a period-piece setting that bogs down the story like a wet blanket.

Returning as super sailor Dragon Mao, Chan is recruited by the government to go undercover to expose a crooked inspector who stages his own arrests and murders the innocent. Meanwhile, Dragon’s being hunted by the pirates he defeated in the first film, although this is really just a weak throwaway link in order to justify the addition of a numeral to the title.

projectA21The first two-thirds of Project A 2 are heavy with dull dialogue, although it occasionally comes alive with an action scene, like when Chan and another man are handcuffed to one another and chased by half a dozen hatchet-wielding baddies. The final 20 minutes or so almost redeem the picture, with an extended set piece involving a giant hamster wheel, chili peppers and a toppling facade (a famous nod to Buster Keaton).

Ultimately, however, the sequel suffers from the same problem as Chan’s Miracles, a 1989 film set in the 1930s: too much period, not enough exclamation. —Rod Lott

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Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)

silenthillrevI’m totally paraphrasing, but the worried and protective dad played by Sean Bean (TV’s Game of Thrones) firmly and completely warns his teen daughter, Heather (Adelaide Clemens, X-Men Origins: Wolverine), “Do not to go to Silent Hill. Never, ever. No matter what occurs, no matter what happens. Dammit, girl, don’t go there. Got it? Don’t. And don’tcha even think it!”

So of course she goes there. I get it; otherwise, Silent Hill: Revelation would be a short. And maybe it should have been.

2006’s Silent Hill is one of the better big-screen adaptations of a video game, mostly because director Christophe Gans (Brotherhood of the Wolf) bathed the creeps in ambience, and let mood do most of the legwork. In this belated sequel, writer/director Michael J. Bassett (Solomon Kane) tries to tell a story about the foggy, ash-snowing town’s inhabitants and their shadowy Order of Valtiel.

silenthillrev1However, this is all convoluted to a point of making the audience not care. If it makes total sense to you, I suspect you’re a serious student of the games, in which case will you please put down the controller and take a shower? Your mother’s asked you three times already!

Clemens, a Michelle Williams doppelgänger, walks through the movie with her mouth agape in perpetual shock as she encounters the franchise’s various iconic creatures, which look like a mixture of Clive Barker’s Cenobites, recovering plastic-surgery patients and diagrams from your geometry textbook. Bassett introduces some new ones, ranging from a spider composed of mannequin parts to a tapioca-complected Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix trilogy) as the cult’s leader.

Neither Moss nor Clemens were in the first film. That was fronted by Radha Mitchell (The Crazies), who shows up just long enough for a cameo in a mirror. At least someone was wise enough to heed Bean’s advice. —Rod Lott

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