Shandra: The Jungle Girl (1999)

shandraLegend has it — at least within the realm of Surrender Cinema/Full Moon’s ultra-cheap skin flicks — that deep in the wild exists a strange yet voluptuous creature named Shandra: The Jungle Girl, who kills men by pleasuring them to death. Naturally, some scheming, slimy millionaire-type with the devious name of Travis Fox (David Christensen, The Mangler 2) wants to capture her and sell her to the highest bidder.

Fox recruits a couple of scientists (or rather, softcore porn actors decked in white lab coats) and the token tubby Hispanic, Diego (John Lopez, Mutant Species), to accompany him into the jungle, played here by a largely barren field in Southern California, complete with man-made rock walls. (Likewise, in the movie’s opening jungle montage, one shot is of a parrot who’s clearly at a zoo, what with the concrete sidewalk and barbed wire visible in the background.)

shandra1The team finds and snares the mute Shandra (Lisa Throw, aka Neena Quiroz, I Like to Play Games Too), but only after they speak this three-line exchange twice: “Hear that?” “Sounds like a dream girl, doc. She’s close.”

Shandra feeds on her prey by sneaking up for a kiss on the lips before moving on to more carnal activities. The men falling victim to her wiles fully cooperate, whereas I wouldn’t be able to get past the vaginal-hygiene issue. Call me old-fashioned. (Speaking of victims, the first guy to go says shortly beforehand, “No sign of the creature described to us by the Amazonians. In fact, other than a gaggle of squirrel monkeys above my campsite, there’s been no contact with any life at all.”)

After examining “the jungle bitch,” the scientists determine she has the ability to implant footage from previous Full Moon films into the minds of whoever she touches. That’s really quite a gift … to pad out the running time, of course, because director Cybil Richards (Femalien) had to have something beyond grammar-be-damned dialogue (“Doctor, you have did the test to determine Shandra’s actual age?”) and unsexy simulated sex. And, hey, who knew feral women were afforded the benefits of underwire support? —Rod Lott

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The Birds II: Land’s End (1994)

birdsIIPart of what has allowed Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds to live on as one of his most enduring masterpieces was its unapologetic, ambiguous ending. So why spoil that lingering note of ominousness with a sequel? Especially one made for basic cable? Money, one guesses, and out of greed hatches The Birds II: Land’s End. Despite the subtitle, it’s not based on the clothing catalog, although it is as shallow and disposable.

Dim bulb Ted (Brad Johnson, Flight of the Intruder) and dim babe May (Chelsea Field, The Last Boy Scout) transport their two tots to an island shore town for the summer. Hoping for a season of R&R, the family instead ends up being dive-bombed by stark-raving-mad seagulls. The process is so routine that no suspense is to be found, but the telefilm is not without its cheap pleasures, fleeting they may be.

birdsII1It’s also not without a multitude of problems, leading one to wonder things like:
• Why is ’63 Birds star Tippi Hedren here if she’s not playing her Melanie Daniels character?
• How did the shot with the boom mike escape the editor’s notice?
• Why did director Rick Rosenthal (Halloween II) take the Alan Smithee credit for this, but not for Russkies?

At least the little girls get to discover a washed-up corpse with its eyes pecked out, and their dog fails to survive an onslaught by owls. But what a cop-out ending: The birds simply fly away. Hey, I may have sat through all 87 minutes of this, but I’m not that stupid. —Rod Lott

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The Horror Show Guide: The Ultimate Frightfest of Movies

horrorshowguideAt first glance, Mike Mayo’s The Horror Show Guide: The Ultimate Frightfest of Movies looks like one of those beloved, phone-directory-thick Videohound genre guides Visible Ink Press issued throughout the ’90s, particularly his own Videohound’s Horror Show.

Turns out there’s a good reason: The new book is a second edition of that 1998 book, but stripped of the Videohound brand. Thus, gone is the dog-bone rating system, along with many capsule reviews of the earlier work.

Although Horror Show Guide claims to review more than 1,000 movies (compared to the first edition’s 666), it doesn’t feel like it. For a number of reasons, it seems less authoritative — and not just because Mayo calls The Mothman Prophecies “one of the very best” of scare cinema.

In addressing one 1960 picture that rightly is considered a bona fide classic, the author praises it like he should … but only under its alternate title of The Horror Chamber of Dr. Faustus without mentioning the one that curious consumers would need to search in order to purchase it: Eyes Without a Face. Otherwise, it’s of little help or value to readers.

While Mayo does take advantage of an updated edition by including many titles that came into being within the last 15 years (likes Misty Mundae and Amber Heard’s tits; dislikes 3D and Rob Zombie), a number of them are simply not horror: Mel Gibson’s Jesus epic, The Passion of the Christ; the Italian sex-comedy omnibus Boccaccio ’70; Steven Soderbergh’s all-star medical thriller, Contagion; the Nicolas Cage action vehicle Drive Angry; the weather-paranoiac drama Take Shelter; and — why, God, why? — those wretched Twilight teenage romances. I wouldn’t worry about their inclusion so much if he hadn’t had to cut out so many legitimate films to make room for them.

Many of the photos are irrelevant (like, red-carpet paparazzi shots) instead of being stills or posters, or inexcusably printed in low resolution. Mayo makes some glaring errors along the way (such as crediting William Friedkin as director of 1996’s The Island of Dr. Moreau debacle) and has a real problem with properly reporting titles.

Or should I say the problem with properly reporting titles? In many instances, he adds the word “the” where there shouldn’t be; in many more, he leaves the word off when it should be there. This infects the book throughout, which makes him look lacking in knowledge and/or his editor look lazy.

If you own Videohound’s Horror Show, stick with that. This not-ultimate Ultimate Frightfest update comes up far too short to be worth an upgrade. —Rod Lott

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My Baby Is Black! (1961)

mybabyisblackHere’s a textbook example of a true exploitation film: an on-the-cheap word of warning on any given “social ill” (in this case, racism) that engages in the very subject it claims to decry. The opening three minutes of My Baby Is Black!, although far from politically correct, compose its highlight — a birthing sequence culminating in the bold, brazen exclamation of the title.

The rest of the black-and-white (pun not intended) film is not as in-your-face. In fact, it’s a somber, limply acted, robot-dubbed, French-lensed, melodramatic seriotragedy about a snowy-white Parisian girl named Françoise (Françoise Giret) attracted to a visiting, handsome African-American med student named Daniel (Gordon Heath, Animal Farm).

mybabyisblack1Together, they hold hands, laugh hysterically at nothing, express their love in voice-over and have lots of unprotected sex. They don’t have conversations per se; they speak in despair-drenched soliloquies so serious, you’d think they’re aching to set them to iambic pentameter.

As the title tells, Françoise gets preggers, prompting her father to attempt coercing her into an abortion, which he justifies by saying, “It is not a sin to get rid of a dirty stain.” The most racist segment arrives in a bizarre moment of supposed comic relief when a black child tells the police about asking the butcher for some ham, only to be smeared with lard and shoved into the fridge. The butcher’s reply: “I was only joking.”

My Baby Is Black! is full of skewed analogies, particularly from the academic voice of reason (Aram Stephan, Bedtime Story), who reasons, “Racism is like a lot of ants. … All ants must be trampled.” Daniel, however, argues, “I can’t agree with what you’re saying, professor. I like ants very much.” That’s not helping the cause, Daniel. —Rod Lott

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The Dungeonmaster (1984)

dungeonmasterCharles Band’s attempt to cash in on the Dungeons & Dungeons craze is, well, crazed. Big computer dork Paul Bradford (Jeffrey Byron, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn) somehow gets warped into the underworld, where he must save his girlfriend (Leslie Wing, The Frighteners) by doing battle with Satan, logically played by Bull from TV’s Night Court (Richard Moll).

To win, Paul must emerge victorious in Satan’s seven challenges; each of the septet of segments is helmed by a different director, including Band, Ted Nicolaou (TerrorVision), John Carl Buechler (Troll), Peter Manoogian (Seedpeople) and stop-motion wizard David Allen (Puppet Master II).

dungeonmaster1Thus, Paul does battle with the following:
1. desert warriors;
2. a cave gnome;
3. mute midgets;
4. a stone creature;
5. frozen people;
6. a slasher; and
7. a horned demon puppet named Ratspit.

Unfortunately, there’s no suspense generated by these skirmishes, because all Paul has to do is punch a button or two on his computer wristband capable of emitting a laser, thereby taking care of anything and everything. Through it all, he spouts nerdy dialogue like, “I reject your reality and I substitute my own!” Them’s fightin’ words.

A hair over one hour long, The Dungeonmaster is a prime example of Band’s Empire Pictures catalog. Everything in the movie — the haircuts, the fashions, the effects, the art direction (but primarily the appearance of hair-metal band W.A.S.P.) — screams, “I am from the ’80s!” This is not a bad thing. In fact, I’m dying for a DVD. —Rod Lott

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