Tom Sizemore and Steven Seagal: together at last! In Ticker, a straight-to-video action movie resembling at least five action movies that did play in theaters, Sizemore (Heat) is Ray Nettles, an unshaven San Francisco detective on the hunt for a mad bomber, while Seagal (in his first multiplex-skipping starrer, sandwiched between his theatrical swan songs of Exit Wounds and Half Past Dead) is Frank Glass, a member of the bomb squad adept at snipping wires.

It should come as no surprise that Dennis Hopper essays the role of mad bomber, but don’t think for a second that he’s merely repeating what he did in 1994’s Speed! Heavens, no! This is completely different because he:
a) has a beard,
b) sometimes speaks in an Irish accent, and
c) is always singing AT&T’s old “Reach out and touch someone” jingle. Hopper’s character keeps blowing up buildings and killing innocent people because the cops won’t release his girlfriend (Jaime Pressly, Torque), because, you know, she’s kinda cute to have around to look at.

Sizemore isn’t too bad, because he plays his character like he had everything else up to then. A meatloaf-cheeked Seagal does the same, yet that makes him bad. I prayed for him to make a quick exit as he did in Executive Decision, but no dice, Chicago. Ticker comes courtesy of director Albert Pyun (1990’s Captain America), while gangsta rapper Nas plays a guy named Fuzzy, which couldn’t have been good for his street cred. —Rod Lott

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With Guns Girls & Gambling, writer/director Michael Winnick is a good 15 years too late to the Quentin Tarantino rip-off party. Aw, man, you remember who was there, right? Let’s see, there was Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, Albino Alligator, Suicide Kings, that ridiculous Boondoggle one that all the frat boys like — lotsa others. At least he’s fashionably late.

After participating unsuccessfully at an Indian gaming casino’s Elvis impersonator contest, broke loser John Smith (Christian Slater, donning The King’s duds again after not learning his lesson in 3000 Miles to Graceland) is accused of stealing a million-dollar ancient Apache warrior mask from the venue. With that kind of price tag, everyone comes out of the woodwork looking — and willing to kill — for it, including a cowboy named Cowboy (Lawnmower Man Jeff Fahey) and a dead-sexy assassin in form-fitting black tights (Helena Mattsson, Species: The Awakening) who quotes Poe to her targets prior to pulling the trigger, just because.

Also just because: a gay Elvis, an Asian Elvis, a little-person Elvis, a Gary Oldman Elvis. Further crowding the “yeah, what the hell” column, two sheriffs figure into the story, one of whom is played by “comedian” Dane Cook. Like him, Guns is not as funny as it thinks; unlike him, Guns does rise to the level of mild escapism. Don’t ask much of it and you might find yourself enjoying its expired quirks.

Because the film was direct-to-DVD, several strikes against it come built-in: poor green-screen work, computer-animated blood, the Comic Sans font, stock footage, Chris Kattan. On the plus side, the pic feels more like a Smokin’ Aces sequel than the actual one, Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball. —Rod Lott

Buy it at Amazon.