5000 Space Aliens (2021)

WTF

Scott Bateman’s premise for 5000 Space Aliens is simple: 5,000 alien life forms walk among us. For your awareness and safety, this movie shows you what each of them looks like, at just one second per, because prolonged exposure is dangerous.

For the next 83.3 minutes (with the 3 repeating; I did the math), your eyes and ears are subjected to the kind of experimental work you don’t often see outside of film school. Luckily, this one is worth the sensory overload.

Instead of merely presenting static photographs, Bateman — perhaps best known for remaking 1960’s Italian trash classic Atom Age Vampire as an animated film — has constructed intricate, moving collages. Some have famous faces (POS evangelist Robert Tilton, who pops up more than once); others bear nonsensical phrases (“wooly coarse things”) or even a can of red kidney beans. Nearly every “alien” begs for a push of the pause button.

This could — would — get old quickly, if not for the kickin’ instrumental score, also Bateman’s, stringing you along. The more upbeat, the better the hold on your attention. Perhaps intoxicants level that playing field? You tell me.

This visual album is RIYL Koyaanisqatsi, but longed for more people and a less sleepy soundtrack. It’s a vibe. —Rod Lott

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Hayseed (2022)

In a small Michigan town known for faith, family and farming (probably in that order), a local reverend is found drowned in his church’s baptismal pool. Insurance investigator Leo Hobbins (Bill Sage, 2021’s Wrong Turn) drives in from Detroit to determine whether the death was an accident or a suicide. The late rev’s right-hand woman, Darlene (Ismenia Mendes, 2019’s Lost Holiday), attempts to convince Leo of Option C: murder. She’s also the policy’s primary beneficiary — freshly added, at that. 

As unassuming a film as the cozy, close-knit town in which it unfolds, Hayseed marks an exceptionally assured first feature from writer/director Travis Burgess. Although every resident exhibiting a quirk isn’t exactly innovative, his film is an arch, wry comedic whodunit, aiming more for smile-all-the-time than laugh-out-loud, and succeeding.

With Leo, Burgess has gifted Sage the leading role that’s eluded him since his Hal Hartley heyday in the indie-friendly ’90s. The deeper the evidence takes the former cop, the more his gruff peevishness melts drop by drop into something the everybody-knows-everybody populace recognizes as human empathy. (Not so much that Leo wants to stick around after case-closing to solve more crimes alongside Darlene … but if he did, I’d watch that TV series.) Sage is utterly charming in the part, giving the movie its heart and its ulcer. Imagine Robert Redford as Fletch, if your mind allows such a flight of fancy. 

Best exemplified in recent years by Rian Johnson’s Knives Out pair of films, this style of mystery thrives on support from a talented pool of suspects. Here, that ensemble includes Kathryn Morris (Minority Report) delightfully playing against type as a flirty waitress, Jack Falahee (TV’s How to Get Away with Murder) as a recovering addict who’s renamed himself Duck, and Blue Ruin sibling Amy Hargreaves. Their individual work adds color to a plot that’s not hard to solve, but a blast to watch unfold — and hear, thanks to Xander Naylor’s Farfisa organ-fueled groove of a score. 

Other than another tightening of the wrench, Burgess could do precious little to improve Hayseed without potentially upsetting the recipe that baked such an out-of-nowhere winner. With pleasant surprises so hard to come by these days, don’t let this one go unnoticed. —Rod Lott

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Pig Killer (2022)

Strangely, Pig Killer follows the superior Squealer as the second film released in as many months to tell the twisted tale of Canada’s felonious farmer, Robert Pickton — not exactly one of your A-list serial killers. Here, he’s played by Jake Busey (The Predator), whose hobby is murdering prostitutes and feeding their parts to his pet pig, Balthazar, most assuredly not named after the cinema of Robert Bresson. 

As the first sex worker dispatched and destroyed, Bai Ling (Southland Tales) does the “me so horny” bit from Full Metal Jacket and wears panties emblazoned with “ALL YOU CAN EAT.” With one hand petting Balthazar, Pickton has sex with her dead body while imagining he’s boning his own mom (Ginger Lynn Allen, Vice Academy). Not for nothing is Pig Killer produced by Girls and Corpses magazine.

The rest of the pic depicts the attempts of troubled young woman Wendy (newcomer Kate Patel) to keep from becoming a victim of Pickton’s, not to mention a gun with dildo silencer, antifreeze-filled syringes and penises I hope — nay, pray — are prosthetic. 

It’s an ugly picture further hampered by writer/director Chad Ferrin’s questionable decision to often present such brutal proceedings with his tongue pressed hard against his cheek, giving the effect of reveling in the sicko circus of Pickton’s creation. Also at odds with the grim subject matter is near-constant, mostly upbeat rock music — some 35 songs in all, most by one G Tom Mac (aka Gerard McMahon of The Lost Boys’ “Cry Little Sister” fame) and sounding like the clatter you’d hear from a stage at a state fair, adjacent to the fried footlong corndog vendor.

Pig Killer marks the third film I’ve seen from director Ferrin, and I think it will be my last. The other two, Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! and Exorcism at 60,000 Feet, were odious enough, but at least they could lay claim to being spoofy. Based on the exploits of a real-life serial killer, Pig Killer has no such veil to hide its tastelessness behind. 

In one of the film’s final lines, from the back of a cop car, Pickton’s throat-cancerous comrade asks him about Wendy, “Did you ever get it in her pooper?” Did a 12-year-old boy write that? Or was he 13? Regardless, that’s the flavor of childishness running throughout two bloated hours; earlier, it plays an abusive sex scene for laughs. You can practically hear Ferrin giggling from behind the camera. Life is too short. —Rod Lott

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Crocodile Island (2020)

Whilst flying over Asia’s version of the Bermuda Triangle, a commercial airliner is hit by pterodactyls, sending it crashing into the ocean. The scant few survivors wash up Lost on an island — Crocodile Island

It’s called that because, well, crocodiles. Big ones. 

Also, giant spiders, which make up the best stretch of an unremarkable movie from China. 

As a middle-aged Everyman, Gallen Lo dispassionately leads a generic group of characters, from his underage daughter and her boyfriend he doesn’t approve of, to such disposable types as Pregnant Woman and Nerdy Guy. 

That’d be less of a bother if Crocodile Island’s creature CGI didn’t look so unfinished, placing it under the already low bar of Syfy premieres. (Speaking of, Shixing Xu, co-helmer with Simon Zhao, since has remade the Syfy staple Sharktopus for his people’s republic.) What could have been a stupid-fun Jurassic lark is instead just stupid, plus thoroughly uninspired and dreadfully dull. 

Since China lifted its ban on having a second child, how about imposing one to keep Xu and Zhao from making a follow-up? —Rod Lott

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Natural Born Killers (1994)

When Natural Born Killers came upon the scene in ’94, I was all for it, mostly for the Quentin Tarantino connection, but, even with the travesty of The Doors, director Oliver Stone was no slouch. I haven’t viewed it since late that decade, so I thought it was high-time time to reconnect. Sadly, I should have let it stay buried in Hollywood’s mass grave of pretentious cinematic outings.

What once was a kinetic path to demonic satire, is now a try-hard commentary on the beguiling mass-media pandering while exploiting its audience for Hot Topic-heavy merchandise like wall posters in this pre-Boondocks Saints era.

In other words, it had a lot to say about nothing much.

Of course, Tarantino disowned this “story by” script as Stone does what he does best: overstuffing a film with overblown, artificial characters and set pieces, veering the classic convertible to total immolation. Sure, U-Turn was terrible, but NBK made it a special viewing party for the latent arsonist in next bedroom.

With a mixtape-like soundtrack — starting with languid Leonard Cohen’s “Waiting for the Miracle” before double-timing into L7’s “Shitlist” — we start with a diner massacre with all the cartoon buffoons the law allows. Great?

I see what Stone does here — brutal violence with white payback, right? — but it seems too close to caustic lampoonery to take it very seriously, which I did for most of 1994. “It’s art, man!” I’d say defending it, as I would scream until I was hoarse until I became nearly mute.

Wish massive cellblock Mickey (Woody Harrelson) and dreamy nightmare girl Mallory (Juliette Lewis) as our guides, we take on criminal culture with wide-angled lenses, fish-eye perspectives, stock-footage immolation, dark parody slayings and plenty of Stone’s well-worked trampling of the Indigenous people for shock value.

Playing to crowds of preening disciples in fake blood, both Harrelson and Lewis are in a LSD trip to hell, but the acid is bits of paper to look like drugs; the psychotic conventions are too cold-blooded for the stars of White Men Can’t Jump and The Other Sister.

Even then, most of this hollow body count is on Stone’s Karo-splattered shoulders, with too much of Mickey and Mallory’s shocking exploits coming to no rhyme and no reason, with none of the characters, motivations or camera angles to justify the whole thing and its furor.

Or maybe that’s the whole joke?   —Louis Fowler

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