Comedy

UHF (1989)

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uhfOpening with an elaborate, extended Raiders of the Lost Ark spoof, UHF is never as funny as it wishes it were, but is too darn likable to knock it for the gap. In essence, the movie is like that one guy at the office who always wears short-sleeved button-down shirts: You’ll never vacation with him, but hey — dude brings donuts!

The first and final big-screen showcase of polka-leaning parodist “Weird Al” Yankovic, UHF casts the Grammy-winning chart clown as George, a minimum-wage loser whose sole hope for redemption is also a long shot: making a success of his uncle’s penny-ante TV station, channel 62.

uhf1Through a mix of sheer luck and sheer stupidity, rating skyrocket under George’s watch. Turns out viewers can’t get enough of watching a game show where contestants win fish, or a nature series in which the hosts hurls poodles out an apartment window. Channel 62’s smash, however, is a live kids’ program starring station janitor Stanley Spadowski (a pre-Seinfeld Michael Richards), who isn’t all there mentally, but that’s no prerequisite for having children drink from a fire hose. All of their Nielsen fortune means squat if George and friends can’t raise $75,000 to settle his shyster uncle’s debt.

From Spatula City to Gandhi 2, the fake commercials strung throughout UHF provide more of a jolt to the funny bone than the actual story. Yankovic, who co-wrote the flick with his videos’ director Jay Levey, is a pleasant comic protagonist even when his lampooning finger isn’t exactly on the pop-culture pulse; the worst offender is a dreamt video that simultaneously pokes fun at Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing” and The Beverly Hillbillies — then a respective 4 and 27 years old. Yankovic and Levey’s collaboration falls short of the Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker vibe it tries to emulate, but respectfully so. It’s a shame that, unlike George, they never got another chance. —Rod Lott

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Action

Need for Speed (2014)

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needforspeedEarly in Need for Speed, an adaptation of the video game series, the main characters are seen playing what I assume is one of those games. It further accentuates how thin the story measures, and how thinner the source material. At its best, Need for Speed plays like a sequel in the Fast & Furious franchise; at its worst, Need for Speed plays like a sequel in the Fast & Furious franchise.

Fresh from five seasons of TV’s Breaking Bad, the talented Aaron Paul underwhelms in the miscast lead role of bankrupt, glowering gearhead Tobey Marshall. He can drive fast cars faster than anyone else because he says so, and because these things dictate that he must. His considerable skills behind the wheels of modified rides shift into personal when an incredibly dangerous, dick-measuring race down both sides of a highway results in the fiery death of his pretend “little brother” (Harrison Gilbertson, Haunt), thanks to a bumper nudge from rich, hot-as-snot Dino Brewester (Dominic Cooper, Captain America: The First Avenger).

needforspeed1Payback for Tobey will come in the crushing defeat of Dino in a super-secret, super-illegal annual race that is invitation-only and thrown by a super-embarrassing Michael Keaton (The Other Guys) in Wolfman Jack mode. First, Tobey and his British passenger/love interest (Imogen Poots, 2011’s Fright Night remake) have 48 hours to get from New York to San Francisco, thus allowing for several races along the way of this race to that race. Director Scott Waugh (Act of Valor) shoots these sequences in a gung-ho manner that delivers the shiny, well-oiled goods in the department of vroom-vroom, but does so via a template of Bruckheimerian angles viewers can check off mentally.

Despite the here-and-now gloss, Need for Speed seems to herald from another era, like the jalopy-ready pictures AIP pushed to teens in drive-ins — you know, like 1955’s The Fast and the Furious. (Need for Speed even begins at a drive-in!) Paul, Cooper, Gilbertson and company all sport haircuts so high and spiked, they visually recall a live-action version of Dragon Ball Z. It’s particularly distracting for Paul, who’s all forehead, which he touches constantly as he looks toward the ground and then up dramatically. Half his performance is this move.

Need for Speed is diverting enough, but also needlessly exhausting for something so frame-one predictable. Imagine what a better, more interesting movie it would be had Poots — such an ugly name for such a pretty woman — been placed in the driver’s seat instead. For 130 minutes of my life, I think that’s a fair trade. —Rod Lott

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Mystery

Death Occurred Last Night (1970)

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deathoccurredIn Milan, a middle-aged man by the name of Berzaghi (Raf Vallone, 1969’s The Italian Job) is not only widowed, but the sole caregiver for his mentally handicapped daughter, Donatella (Gillian Bray, The Bod Squad). Although she is 25 years old, her mind is stuck at 3; she can’t even put on a brassiere without her father’s help. Innocent flirting on her part is misread as sexual invitation from strangers, so Berzaghi must lock her up in their apartment when he goes to work.

One day, however, he returns to an empty home. The doors and windows remain locked; there’s no sign of forced entry. He fears the worst, as he should: that she has been abducted from his well-intentioned prison to one that has only the worst intentions in mind.

Enter the sinus-infected police captain (Frank Wolff, Once Upon a Time in the West) and his younger, shaggy-haired partner (Gabriele Tinti, Black Emanuelle), who have a feeling Donatella may have been kidnapped into a prostitution ring, so they tour the area’s buy-before-you-try bordellos.

deathoccurred1The mystery of Duccio Tessari’s Death Occurred Last Night is not whether Donatella will be found among the whores, but who will find her and/or her captors first: the police or Berzaghi? The increasingly desperate father doesn’t think the authorities are acting fast enough, so he takes matters into his own vengeful hands.

Tessari (A Pistol for Ringo) directs this grim yet gripping polizia picture with a straightforward objective that makes its story timeless: suspense. So do the colorful supporting players who weave in and out of the story, not always by their own volition, including a suicidal “Negro prostitute,” a former pimp stooping to a less respectable career (that of car salesman) and a teddy bear with an ugly face. However, the show belongs to Wolff and Vallone; the former for portraying how a cop’s professional life infringes upon his personal one, and the latter for showing how an honorable man in his position gives up his own life to focus on that of his only child. —Rod Lott

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Horror

The Boogeyman (1980)

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boogeymanRather infamously — or ineptly, to be blunt — Ulli Lommel has directed nearly five dozen films. So barrel-bottomed is his CV that only one of them managed to leak through and achieve any semblance of relevance. That is The Boogeyman, and one could argue it clicked only because the country was still on a horror high from the boogeyman in Halloween two years earlier. Hell, Lommel does everything he can to ape John Carpenter’s indie smash, from the synth-driven score to sequences shot from the POV of a boy holding a butcher knife.

That kitchen utensil comes in handy for young Willy, when he and li’l sis Lacey catch Mom (Gillian Gordon, The Sister-in-Law) fooling around with some dude in pantyhose pulled over his head, presumably for a spirited round of rapist role-playing; Willy stabs the guy in the back over and over, thereby putting a halt to Mom’s erotic mood. Twenty years later, Willy (Nicholas Love, Jennifer Eight) is mute and living with Lacey (co-writer Suzanna Love, then married to Lommel) and her hubby and child in an Amityville-looking farmhouse.

boogeyman1Haunted by memories of That Night triggered by a letter from their estranged mother, Lacey can’t function in daily life, so a psychiatrist (John Carradine, Billy the Kid vs. Dracula) encourages her to revisit her childhood home where the deadly deed took place. She does, but shatters the still-there mirror through which she witnessed the fateful knifing. Naturally, this releases the vengeful spirit of Mom’s lover, and whenever a shard of the glass glows, someone dies, like that horny teen boy in the Triumph T-shirt, who may deserve it just for a poor taste in music.

Maybe this is accidental, but The Boogeyman overcomes the trappings of a low budget and does something interesting. Oh, it’s still rough around the edges, which are as jagged as those pieces of the broken mirror, and it bursts at the seams with terrible performances, yet its mix of the slasher and the supernatural offers viewers an experience that’s not entirely expected. —Rod Lott

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Action

Chinese Zodiac (2012)

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chinesezodiacIn this third Armour of God film, Jackie Chan can’t wait to get his hands around a big ol’ cock. And a snake. And a monkey. And a rabbit. And the remaining eight animals of the Chinese zodiac, rendered as a set of rare bronze heads prized by precious-artifact collectors the world over.

As JC, Chan is tasked with retrieving the heads scattered around the globe; a corporate slimeball (Oliver Platt, 2012) offers him 1 million Euros for each of the national treasures he’s able to obtain and/or steal, so off JC goes! Plot holes extend as wide as canyons, over which Chan gladly leaps. As director and co-writer, he’d likely do without a story entirely if he could get away with it; he almost has.

chinesezodiac1In a cinematic environment that demands its action pictures to be fast, furious and expendable, Chinese Zodiac is out-of-vogue, but either no one told Chan or he didn’t care. He remains true to the same unapologetic mode of the 1986 original and 1991’s Operation Condor, both goofy-smiled variants of Indiana Jones and James Bond, which is to say this overdue leg of an inadvertent trilogy is great fun, loosely bundled.

Right out of the gate, the film goes for broke, with a prologue that sees JC escaping a military base by playing human skateboard. From there, the star and company impatiently zip from one inventive set piece (and country) to the next, constantly vying for oneupmanship of itself. If Chan isn’t being chased by guard dogs while trapped in a garden maze, he’s dodging live ammo and busy beehives in the forest, all building toward a finale that ask the near-sexagenarian to skydive toward a lava-spewing volcano. Hell, why not? —Rod Lott

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