John Wick (2014)

johnwickOne of the special features on the Blu-ray release of John Wick is a throwaway promo piece called “Don’t F*#% with John Wick.” In a more-perfect, less-PC world, that would have been the film’s title. Heck, I’d settle for it being the tagline, as those five words possess a surplus of cock-rockin’ attitude, whereas the two here … I can’t think of a more inert name in action-movie history. A wick is a part of a candle, for God’s sake, yet this flick is all about the fuse.

Proving once again that he is most effective playing characters who speak softly and carry a big ol’ gun, Keanu Reeves is Wick, your average strong, silent, stoic type. Mere days after the death of his beloved wife (Bridget Moynahan, Battle: Los Angeles), the grieving Wick receives a gift from beyond the grave, so to speak, arranged by the missus prior to expiration: the cutest widdle beagle you ever did see — house-trained, even! At a gas station, snot-nosed Russian criminal Iosef (Alfie Allen, TV’s Game of Thrones) takes note of the pup and Wick’s suh-weet ’69 Mustang. When Wick politely shuns Iosef’s purchase offer, the Russkie is so enraged that he breaks into Wick’s place that night and beats him up. And steals the car. Oh, and kills the dog, just to make certain audiences will be all-in on Wick’s side.

johnwick1What Iosef doesn’t know (presumably because he doesn’t check LinkedIn): Wick is a retired assassin — one of the best. Knowing that Wick will exact revenge, Iosef’s pot-smoking pop, New York crime lord Viggo (Michael Nyqvist, clearly relishing the chance to embody a hammier version of his Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol villain), places a $2 million bounty on his former employee’s stringy-haired head. That kind of dough tends to bring out a stack of applicants; playing the more notable sharpshooters are Adrianne Palicki (G.I. Joe: Retaliation) and Willem Dafoe (The Grand Budapest Hotel).

The directorial debut of Chad Stahelski, Reeves’ longtime stunt double (Constantine, The Matrix trilogy and Man of Tai Chi, Reeves’ own surprisingly formidable behind-the-camera birth), John Wick is the rare eight-digit action pic with an A-list star that earned considerable critical acclaim. Yes, the movie makes for a terrific time, but it also arrives to home video a tad overpraised; had Reeves not been in a box-office slump for the better part of the past decade — especially nipping at the heels of 2013’s epic-disastrous 47 Ronin — I suspect the buzz barely would have reached a mild boil.

That’s not to say John Wick isn’t well-built or well-oiled — far from it. Stahelski keeps things moving at a dizzying pace and his neon-and-nighttime transition shots would have Michael Mann nodding like a proud papa. The balls aren’t just to the wall — they’re framed by Hobby Lobby. It’s just that the film isn’t a game-changer of the genre; the main reason for its Welcome Wagon reception is that it doesn’t do what so many expected it to: suck. —Rod Lott

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Kiss the Blood Off My Hands: On Classic Film Noir

kissbloodProvocatively and perfectly titled, Kiss the Blood Off My Hands: On Classic Film Noir attempts to be, as editor Robert Miklitsch writes, “a collection that confines itself to the extraordinary scope and depth, the embarrassment of riches” of the genre. Now that film noir has bled over into, of all things, mainstream video games, perhaps it’s time for another where-we’ve-been / where-it-stands examination of this influential and invigorating type of Hollywood crime picture.

The University of Illinois Press paperback concludes with a four-page appendix of “Critical Literature” on the subject, and Kiss the Blood succeeds so well in meeting its stated goal, it deserves a spot on its own list.

While the text is academic in approach, it is hardly inaccessible to any self-taught cineaste, to any criminally minded movie watcher able to see something — anything — lurking beyond the bang-bang visual surface. From as many contributors, the 10 essays within admirably convey that preface-referenced “scope and depth.” Where else can one absorb quality criticism on the use of rear projection in Edgar G. Ulmer’s now-landmark Detour?

Amid selections devoted to heist films and notable producers, Miklitsch himself attempts to answer the age-old question of “What is noir?” by pinpointing the alpha and omega — that is, the beginning and end — of America’s so-called classic cycle. In doing so, he considers the work of Orson Welles and the two Roberts (Aldrich and Wise), not to mention Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s famous definition of pornography.

The book begins with a pair of female-centric pieces, as Philippa Gates and Julie Grossman respectively examine women’s roles in screen detection and film noir overall. One supposes Krin Gabbard’s chapter immediately following, on the love song’s gradual but palpable vanishing act from noir, also will hold large appeal to women readers before Kiss the Blood’s focus shifts away from gender politics and into noir’s subgenres or elements thereof.

Of particular interest is the most unusual, as J.P. Telotte explores how cartoons and animated features, from Donald Duck to Roger Rabbit, filtered, mirrored, distilled, stole and just plain parodied film noir tropes, in “Disney Noir: ‘Just Drawn That Way.’” Its specificity in subject is reflective of this collection’s major strength: variety, with credibility closely tied. —Rod Lott

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Ouija (2014)

ouijaIn adapting its same-named board game to the big screen with Ouija, toymaker Hasbro has taken an interesting marketing approach: Those Ouija boards we sell? They will fucking kill you!

After her BFF jacks around with the satanic tool and then promptly — and fatally — hangs herself with Christmas lights, the mousy Laine (Olivia Cooke, The Quiet Ones) gets the bright idea to gather their friends and contact the dearly departed via the Ouija; malevolent spirits awaken.

If watching people play Ouija sounds dull, that’s because it is. Scenes of such mark countless horror films — Witchboard and Paranormal Activity, just off the top of my head — but here, first-time director Stiles White (screenwriter of 2005’s equally blah Boogeyman) has made a feature full of them. Too bad dialogue like “Are you pushing it?” and “Wasn’t me, I swear!” carries neither the stakes nor the suspense as when Rosemary Woodhouse dug out the Scrabble tiles.

ouija1With a PG-13 rating that suggests how little it tries, Ouija is a thoroughly unimaginative entry in the Dead Teenager subgenre. To call its characters one-note is not just too kind, but one level too many; they’re underdeveloped to the point of barely being introduced. Each exists solely for the purpose of receiving the message “HI FRIEND” from one step beyond. (The supernatural force doing the writing goes to so much trouble to deliver the greeting, you’d think it’d at least make the effort to include the needed comma between the two words.)

Ultimately, the only unsettling sight of Ouija is having to sit through two scenes of women flossing their teeth. Ick! If the spirit moves you to watch this one, point your internal planchette toward “NO.” —Rod Lott

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Kink (2013)

kinkCo-produced by James Franco, the documentary Kink goes behind the scenes of Kink.com, purportedly the Internet’s hottest spot for BDSM content. Don’t know what that alphabet-soup of a phrase stands for? Then the movie and the site are not for you.

Director Christina Voros plops us deep in the bowels of a former armory that now serves as the HQ for the XXX provider founded by Peter Acworth, a jolly Brit who initially doubles as our tour guide. He’s unfazed when the tour is halted temporarily because of an in-progress gang bang. Other than tortured moans, we don’t witness the group activity; instead, Voros leapfrogs into darker territory of bound-and-gagged men and women having various orifices violated by terrifying dildos attached to far more terrifying pneumatic machinery of intimidating speeds.

“You ever come that many times in a row?” one dominant asks his hanging-from-her-feet submissive, who manages to form an answer even with all the blood pooling in her head: “Uh … not upside down.”

kink1For 80 cold and clinical minutes, Voros lets the scenes play out without commenting on them or taking a side; her camera simply acts as an all-access observer, à la a fly on the wall — different kind of fly, mind you. The proper color of straitjacket is discussed; a glory hole is constructed; house director Maitresse Madeline teaches the fine art of slapping and stepping on an erect penis without harm. (Nope! Not buying it!)

Another shot-caller preps a fresh piece of talent for the willing punishment about to be unleashed: “You’re not gonna get nailed for four hours straight,” she says. “There are breaks.” (Whew! Praise be, Samuel Gompers!)

Despite Voros’ detachment, one young woman’s screams in Kink’s final scenes register disturbingly higher than volume allows, ringing with sadness, echoing down dungeon-like halls as hollow as, we presume, her soul. —Rod Lott

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Hi-8: Horror Independent Eight (2013)

hi8Taking an analog-inspired cue from the V/H/S anthology franchise, Hi-8: Horror Independent Eight goes even further down the scale of format quality, with each of its eight segments (wraparound included) shot on fullscreen video. Rather than coming from today’s mumblecore world, Hi-8’s contributors herald from an even more lo-fi movement: regional horror flicks shot on video (SOV). If you’ve so much as heard of their work — Cannibal Hookers, Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death, Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! among them — you’re predisposed to have interest in viewing this “all-star” experiment.

A typed-on-computer title card warns (read: promises) “overt gore and unbearable suspense”; Hi-8 delivers on exactly one of these, and overall results are scattershot as a pulsating sprinkler with no adjustable range. On the plus side, Tim Ritter (Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness) charts the “complicated” relationship between a wife and her husband, who happens to be a rapist / serial killer. On the minus side, Chris Seaver (Return to Blood Fart Lake) turns in a three-character piece that plays stalker rape for comedy. Ha?

hi81Inconsistency is Hi-8’s only constant: Tony Masiello’s tale of “a lost SOV” titled Bloodgasm has a decent setup and a poor payoff, whereas Todd Sheets (Zombie Bloodbath) follows a radio DJ in an EC Comics-style story with a decent payoff and a poor setup. Among the project’s octet of shorts, the best doesn’t even try for shocks — just laughs. Genuinely LOL-hilarious, it’s from The Vicious Sweet’s Ron Bonk, who simultaneously sends up George A. Romero and 1980s-style action by plopping a Snake Plissken-esque he-man amid an attack of the undead on his Nana’s nursing home.

The entire exercise ends with a list of the eight rules each filmmaker had to follow — only practical effects allowed, wind noise encouraged, etc. — and this should have appeared at the start just to prep the unsuspecting / uninitiated as to what they could expect from the whole of Hi-8. Those not used to SOV “epics” will have a really tough time with it. —Rod Lott

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