A Creature Was Stirring (2023)

Why a Christmas-set movie is hitting home video the week of Valentine’s Day is secondary to why a Christmas-set movie requires one of its leads to rectally insert a thermometer throughout. Admittedly, the “hole” idea is less absurd when you understand A Creature Was Stirring falls into the realm of holiday horror. It’s not to be confused with the 2018 anthology All the Creatures Were Stirring, although you’re better off if you do.

In her first role after an Emmy-nommed, six-year stint on TV’s This Is Us, Chrissy Metz plays a nurse who lives with her young-adult daughter (Ouija: Origin of Evil’s Annalise Basso, looking like a li’l Heather Langenkamp). That their respective names are Faith and Charm should give you a solid idea of director Damien LeVeck and scripter Shannon Wells’ level of subtlety with the material.

At super speed, a blanket-draped Charm skitters around her bedroom and turns into a porcupine monster if her body temp falls anywhere other than the “safe zone” between 102˚ and 104.4˚. The opening credits relay this multiple times. If you aren’t paying attention, no worries: Faith’s loaded up with dialogue to remind you thereafter. At least the full monstrous transformation shown later deserves kudos — and the Fangoria spread it’s clearly aiming for.

Meanwhile, in Creature’s concurrent plot line, siblings played by Scout Taylor-Compton (The Long Night) and Connor Paolo (Friend Request) break into Faith’s home, only to be attacked … and then invited to stay the night because, baby, it’s cold outside. So they do.

More ludicrous, Faith makes out with the DC Comics superhero Green Lantern. Somehow, this from-nowhere fantasy manages to be even more embarrassing than the worst moment of Ryan Reynolds’ hapless Green Lantern — not an easy achievement.

In his sophomore feature, LeVeck (The Cleansing Hour) stages one truly Stirring sequence as Taylor-Compton’s character elbow-crawls her way through a maze of snow tunnels in search of Charm. Its near-magic mix of tension and claustrophobia makes you wish he were able to sprinkle that everywhere else. Half an uninspired movie remains thereafter, limping toward a “one week later” coda with twists it doesn’t earn the right to present. But I admit the film’s final image is kinda ballsy — and refreshing because it takes place in daytime, thus sparing us the aggravatingly saturated Christmas-light color palette that overpowers every scene before it. —Rod Lott

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The Iron Claw (2023)

WTF

When I was a kid and didn’t know any better, I was enthralled with Texas-area, Texas-born wrestlers the Von Erichs and their contribution to the (fake) sport of pro wrestling. Back in the day, you could actually believe in their superheroic leaps and bounds, no matter how trashily presented.

In our small town in Blooming Grove, my father would buy The Dallas Morning News on Sundays, when the sports section had posters on the last page, giving us prime opportunities for experiencing the Saturday night fights, all without pay-per-view. To hell with the WWF!

I had switched to watching Saturday Night Live and its comical ephemera around ’86 or ’87, around the time the brawny Von Erich brothers had some “trouble” in the extreme sense of the word. They and, for the most part, wrestling became a Lone Star-sized blip on the cathode tube, never to be seen again.

Now, some 40 years later, The Iron Claw brings those memories flooding back.

The biopic sets us sometime in the early 1980s, with the thudding boom of the small-time wrestling Von Erich family. The depressive Kevin (a very buff Zac Efron) leads his equally fit brothers to total takedown victories in the ring — only for all it to be taken by cruel fate, which comes for each of them in the saddest way possible.

Besides sparring with the family’s own demons, their dad is former wrester/then-current WCCW owner Fritz (Holt McCallany). Emotionally abusive, he grinds his sons into the dirt, saying their shortcomings are for their “own good.”

While I knew about the Von Erichs’ mythical stories when their dynasty ruled, I wasn’t privy to much of what’s detailed in the film. From drunken amputations to shame-based suicides, it’s a truly sad story that director Sean Durkin peacefully delivers.

As shown in the epilogue, Kevin was able to break through and turn his life around; for that, I am happier. While some people need to know the whole story, warts and all, The Iron Claw does the legend justice. Even better, I don’t need to watch wrestling again to know it. —Louis Fowler

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Sexy Cat (1973)

Drawing proportionate influence from the Italian giallo and the American Batman TV series of ’68, Sexy Cat is a Spanish murder mystery. And it’s loco.

The “beautiful mass murderess” Sexy Cat is set to leap from the comics to the small screen. Pissed his creator’s credit has been stolen by Bob Kane Paul Karpis (Beni Deus, Santo vs. Doctor Death), gin-soaked illustrator Graham (Fabián Conde, Murder in a Blue World) hires two-bit P.I. Mike Cash (Gérman Cobos, Desperate Mission) to help protect his copyright claim.

Graham should’ve hired a bodyguard instead, because he gets a knife blade dragged across his neck after Cash leaves. It’s just the first of many homicidal acts committed by someone dressed as the supervillain Sexy Cat. (Party mask and all, Sexy Cat looks a lot like the Marvel character Black Cat, then six years away from debuting in The Amazing Spider-Man’s pages). Other production-involved victims of Sexy Cat meet their doom via snake bite, plastic-bag asphyxiation and — finally! — razor-sharp kitty claws.

Considering the ultimate spice level of the content, the movie’s title is a tease (but, in hindsight, a no-brainer for Julio Pérez Tabernero, the eventual director of Hot Panties). Nonetheless, Sexy Cat is almost as much fun to watch as it is to say. Although the film isn’t much of a mystery — Sexy Cat’s true identity is easy to surmise, with time to spare — Tabernero gives his shaggy story an edge with such visual touches as a POV shot from inside the aforementioned Ziploc bag.

Also aiding in AV appeal: actresses Lone Fleming (Vampus Horror Tales) and Gloria Osuna (A Few Dollars for Django), Pop Art comics-style credits and a properly fizzy Carmelo Bernaola score. —Rod Lott

Out of Darkness (2022)

Set 45,000 years ago, Out of Darkness follows six people with nothing but the animal skins on their backs. Led by Adem (Chuku Modu, Captain Marvel), the ragtag family searches for fertile land in order to survive.

One night, Adem’s son, Heron (Luna Mwezi), disappears into the woods. Tracking him, Adem and company soon realize they’re trapped themselves by a malevolent force they hear but cannot see.

So much for Adem’s insistence that “There are no demons,” right? What begins as a tale of man vs. nature suddenly morphs into one of man vs. … well, they’ll find out. Some of them, at least.

There’s a lot to like about Out of Darkness, a remarkably assured debut for Andrew Cumming, a Scottish director whose CV heretofore was limited to shorts and TV episodes. From the scope and scale of this film, you wouldn’t know it. Setting it in the Stone Age is ballsy, because such a thing lives and breathes on selling the illusion.

Cumming succeeds in doing so, thanks to period costumes, barren locations, a no-name cast to squash preconceived notions, and an invented language (including a phrase translating to “fuck all”). In addition, the score by Saint Maud’s Adam Janota Bzowski is so wonderfully foreboding, it’s practically a cast member. The same can be said for Ben Fordesman’s cinematography, crisp and cold to complement the expert sound design.

But one element works against the movie’s greater good. As rich as Darkness is in details, it’s short on plot. Authentic though the film may feel, to call its quest a slow burn would be generous. More disappointing, the threat leads to an ending where the payoff doesn’t quite justify the build.  —Rod Lott

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Pawn Shop Chronicles (2013)

WTF

General Lee’s Pawn Shop inconspicuously stands beneath an overpass — an appropriate site for such an off-the-radar film. Since its quiet release direct to video, I’d paid it no mind because the title and poster led me to expect a reality show. Instead, Wayne Kramer’s Pawn Shop Chronicles is a crime anthology of three crisscrossing stories à la Pulp Fiction. Similarities end there.

Each tale is named after the pawned item in question. The constant? Shop owner Vincent D’Onofrio, of course.

In “The Shotgun,” Paul Walker (Kramer’s Running Scared) and Kevin Rankin (2018’s Skyscraper) play neo-Nazi, meth-smokin’, trailer-park hillbillies who rob a drug dealer. “The Ring” leads a stockbroker (Matt Dillon, The House That Jack Built) to rescue his long-missing, kidnapped wife (Pell James, Zodiac). Finally, a down-on-his-luck Elvis impersonator (Brendan Fraser, The Mummy trilogy) pulls into town to perform at the fair, only to be forced to give up “The Medallion” around his neck.

Kramer’s filmmaking style runs hot and cold with me. Pawn Shop Chronicles showcases both, plus the lukewarm in between, by virtue of its omnibus status noncommittal to a single genre. (Tellingly, this is the only movie the director hasn’t also written.) As a comedy — and not a politically correct one — “The Shotgun” works pretty well, thanks to Walker and Rankin’s tweaker act: “Is that my Styx CD in your pants?” And “The Ring” takes an unexpected turn into horror — Sadako-free, mind you — with Dillon encountering a most extreme example of Stockholm syndrome.

But “The Medallion”? With a burst of magical realism that doesn’t quite jive, it bites off more than it can chew, yet keeps on yapping with its mouth wide open. Its dueling barbershops and all-nude choir overdo the quirk at the sacrifice of a point. It’s not Fraser’s fault, though; God bless him, the big ol’ lovable goofball gives the part everything he can.

Also appearing throughout are Chi McBride, Elijah Wood, Thomas Jane, Norman Reedus, DJ Qualls, Lukas Haas and a bumper sticker reading, “At least Jesus didn’t write Battlefield Earth.” Amen. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

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