Surrogates (2009)

surrogatesIn the future, you can live out your life through a replica while you lie in comfort, manipulating it via mere thought — seeing what it sees, feeling what it feels. Yes, that’s James Cameron’s Avatar. But it’s also Jonathan Mostow’s Surrogates, a Bruce Willis vehicle that’s not another Die Hard sequel.

Based on the excellent 2006 graphic novel by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele, Surrogates imagines that mass-produced robot stand-ins have caught on so well, violent crime has plunged 99 percent. That 1 percent takes a terrifying turn when two surrogates are murdered in an act that also offs their owners, reclining supposedly safely at home.

FBI agents Greer (Willis) and Peters (Radha Mitchell, Silent Hill) are called in to investigate, and to be honest, the trail isn’t exactly cold, given that there’s a crazed anti-surrogate movement headed by a dreadlocked, compound-residing man who calls himself Prophet (Ving Rhames, Piranha 3D).

Despite the core similarity to the aforementioned Avatar, the movie Surrogates really reminds one of is I, Robot, once the murder mystery gets going. Hell, both even feature James Cromwell in virtually the same role! But whereas that Will Smith blockbuster was dreadful in everything but effects, Surrogates musters enough pizazz in a lean, mean 89 minutes — with credits — that it merits a recommendation.

It’s not action on a grand scale, but it sure delivers the goods greater than Mostow’s most high-profile time at bat, with 2003’s disappointing Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. His stylistic changes in bringing the book to life are interesting. For example, whereas Venditti and Weldele’s work was almost monochromatic, there isn’t a color on the palette Mostow doesn’t use, and candy-coated at that.

That’s reflective of society’s superficial nature, which — after technology — is the movie’s true target. With that comes the decision to cast surrogates in plastic, Barbie-like features. In the graphic novel, you couldn’t tell the difference between humans and surrogates, but here, it’s obvious at every turn, which dilutes some of the suspense. Still, the fact that there’s at least some there makes the flick fun for an overnight rental. —Rod Lott

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The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959)

baskerville59Too bad 1959’s The Hound of the Baskervilles marked Peter Cushing’s one and only time to play Sherlock Holmes on the big screen, because he does a great job at it. And too bad Hound is the only Holmes adaptation undertaken by Hammer Films, because this had franchise potential written all over it.

After a 10-minute prologue that doesn’t even involve Holmes or Dr. Watson, detailing the curse of the well-to-do Baskerville family, the movie gets going with the plot, as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle originally presented it: With Sir Charles Baskerville dead of fright, his nephew, Henry (Christopher Lee), inherits his estate on the moors, and Holmes and Watson (André Morell, The Mummy’s Shroud) suspect he may suffer the same fate as his uncle.

baskerville591They have good reason to suspect as much, because out of his boot pops a big ol’ tarantula that immediately starts making its way toward a frozen-in-shock Henry’s face. Watson accompanies Henry to Baskerville Hall, where the sounds of the hound — a beast rumored to have killed many a man over the decades — pervade the night sky.

Not a believer in the supernatural, Holmes aims to get to the bottom of it, and naturally, he does. Only this time, Doyle’s story comes infused with spiders, scorpions, sacrifices and a suspenseful third-act descent into a dangerous mine shaft. Although the film by Hammer regular Terence Fisher (Horror of Dracula) is overly talky at times, it’s well-made in that unmistakable Hammer tradition, brimming with color and Gothic atmosphere, even on obvious sets. —Rod Lott

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Seven Golden Men (1965)

7goldenmen Seven Golden Men is the rare heist film that opens with the heist. Heck, its entire first half is the heist. There’s no planning, no telegraphing of what the caper entails; we learn what happens as it happens, and our enjoyment is heightened all the more because of it.

Masterminded by the erudite Professor (Philippe Leroy, La Femme Nikita), said heist is of a Swiss bank containing the world’s only electronic-controlled vault with an electromagnetic locking device. It’s said to be physically impenetrable, but the Professor’s team of six men prove that wrong by tunneling their way in underground — kinda like in Roger Donaldson’s The Bank Job — right outside on the street, through the water mane and then straight up into the neatly stacked loot of 24-karat gold bars. Providing distraction on the street and elsewhere is the Professor’s gal pal (the stunning Rossana Podestà, 1983’s Hercules), making umpteen costume changes — including one memorable see-through bodysuit — during the whole charade.

7goldenmen1What the second half entails, I leave for you to discover. Suffice to say, it’s as frivolously paced as the first, full of comic flourishes, only-in-the-movies gadgetry and, like all Italian genre films of its era, themes that slide smoothly into the ear canal and stay there. Directed and co-written by The Sensual Man’s Marco Vicario, then married to Podestà, this Golden pic is as light as a serving of cotton candy tied to four dozen helium balloons — in other words, pure pop-cinema pleasure.

One year later, the Seven Golden Men struck again in Seven Golden Men Strike Again. —Rod Lott

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House of Terror (1973)

houseofterrorIn need of a fresh start, Jennifer (Jenifer Bishop, Mako: The Jaws of Death) moves into the House of Terror to care for the ailing wife of wealthy businessman Emmett Kramer (Mitchell Gregg, he of the chalk-white hair and jet-black mustache). The bedridden Mrs. Kramer (Jacquelyn Hyde, 1979’s The Dark) is suicidal, pissy and cursed with a horrid, unnaturally vertical hairdo that must be coined the Crazy Hag.

With her nurse’s cap tucked atop Princess Leia-style buns, Jennifer diligently goes about her duties, despite her patient’s acid tongue and — speaking of — the creepy mute housekeeper (Irenee Byatt, Bunny O’Hare). Plus, someone is spying on Jennifer in her room through a peephole — perhaps the same someone who stabs her Raggedy Andy doll.

houseofterror1Directed by Gypsy Angels producer Sergei Goncharoff, House of Terror sits on multiple levels of ineptitude. First of all, it presents Jennifer as our heroine, only to abruptly switch gears one-third in and make her a villainess when her ex-con ex-boyfriend (Arell Blanton, Assault of the Killer Bimbos) reappears in her life with a scheme in need of hatching. Second, the film starts as horror and ends as the same, but is pure soap-opera theatrics in between.

Finally, it’s just plain dull, like a plastic knife from KFC. Even with Bishop’s ridiculous facial contortions when she’s called upon to feign shock, not a single scene stands out as memorable — Goncharoff’s lone area of consistency in made-for-TV execution. If you must watch it, at least watch Retromedia’s so-called “40th Anniversary Edition,” but only because it offers a superb digestif in the DVD’s extra feature, Super Horror Trailer-Rama. In keeping with House of Terror’s own misnomer status, this hour-long bonus includes coming attractions from fright flicks, but also numerous movies that fall into other genres, like science fiction and sword-and-sandal. —Rod Lott

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Death Walks at Midnight (1972)

deathwalksmidnightFashion model Valentina (Nieves Navarro, aka Susan Scott, The Big Gundown) agrees to be the guinea pig in a toxicology professor’s test of HDS, an experimental hallucinogen he’s developed. Scandal-sheet journalist Gio (Simón Andreu, The Blood Spattered Bride) documents her resulting trip, during which fits of uncontrollable laughter give way to visions of a young woman being brutally murdered by a man with an armored glove bearing four metal spikes.

Still shaken after the experience, Valentina soon learns that a woman actually died that way six months prior, in the office building directly across from her apartment. Not only that, but Valentina believes she’s become a target herself, as she comes face-to-face with the killer direct from her drug-fueled state — you know, that mutton-chopped dude with the groovy shades that practically qualify as Terminator goggles. Or has she? Perhaps, it’s suggested, the lingering aftereffects of HDS are to blame? It’s a not a spoiler to say the game of pursuer and pursued is not all in Valentina’s glamorous little head.

deathwalksmidnight1From there, director Luciano Ercoli (The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion) introduces us to so many loons, it’s too bad Katharine Hepburn and Henry Fonda weren’t on hand to imitate them. Working from a story by Django helmer Sergio Corbucci and demonstrating a keen eye for geometry in his frame compositions — aided tremendously by the swank ’60s surroundings — Ercoli pulls off a couple of sequences that Brian De Palma had to have absorbed before trying his hand at the same thing. With one hell of a heroine in Navarro, Death Walks at Midnight is a stylish and at times rather gruesome giallo that wrings pleasure up until its denouement, delivered in an info dump so rushed, it not only doesn’t give you time to make sense of it, but raises even more questions.

Ercoli redeems himself with the final scene, an action-packed fight atop the rooftops with at least one twisted idea for dispatching a giggling henchman. Also, let the record show that despite the title, death actually walks in broad daylight. —Rod Lott

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