In the mighty tradition of Roger Corman’s The Fantastic Four — and by that, I mean never to emerge legally from the shelf on which it sits — is Justice League of America. Made for the CBS network, yet never-aired, the live-action movie assembles some of DC Comics’ most beloved superheroes … who are neither Batman nor Superman. See, with the rights to those two tied up with the Warner Bros. blockbuster machine, this Justice League is built upon a lineup of second-stringers: most notably Green Lantern, The Flash and The Atom.

When he’s not conjuring goofy umbrellas, power tools or helicopter blades with his magic ring, Green Lantern (Matthew Settle, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer) tries to salvage his crumbling relationship with a young hottie. The Atom (John Kassir, the Cryptkeeper of the Tales from the Crypt franchise) is a pudgy science geek, whereas The Flash (Kenny Johnston, Scenes of the Crime) is a jobless loser, not to mention a clueless numbskull cast from the mold labeled “Joey from Friends.” Rather than talk shop at, say, a Hall of Justice, these guys loaf around in bathrobes in their shared apartment, where they attempt to fix the TV so they can watch — corporate synergy alert! — Touched by an Angel.

Joining them in their sporadic deeds of derring-do is Fire (Michelle Hurd, I Spit on Your Grave III: Vengeance Is Mine), who — although she has the power to shoot flames — is just here to give the JLA a little diversity, as she is African-American. (Speaking of color, I am uncertain why a superhero named Fire is costumed in green.) When not busy as a struggling actress pursuing the role of the banana in a fruit commercial, Fire joins the guys as the JLA’s true hideout: an underwater structure overseen by an overweight Martian Manhunter (David Odgen Stiers, TV’s M*A*S*H).

Their fine and peaceful city of New Metro is under threat of its first-ever hurricane, whipped up by the snarling-evil figure known only as The Weather Man, who wants $20 million to not level town with a tidal wave. As we later learn (excepting the fact it’s totally obvious from the get-go), this villain is actually the highly respected researcher Dr. Eno (Miguel Ferrer, 1987’s RoboCop). Conveniently, while stumbling upon his lab one night, Eno’s perky assistant (Kimberly Oja, TV’s Son of the Beach) finds herself zapped by a freakish cloud of crude computer animation, which grants her the ability to freeze things. Because of this incredible party trick, the JLA recruits her and dubs her Ice, and of course she will turn the tidal wave into a sheet of ice. Yep, the plot is wound up that easily.

As you have every right to expect, Justice League of America makes for a veritable two-course meal of corn and cheese. After ABC’s more-than-decent The Flash series from 1990, it’s pathetic to witness that character taking a job as a mailman, so that many yuks may be elicited by the sight of him delivering letters at breakneck speed. We also watch him down food at a rate that puts competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi to shame, capped by that surefire laff-grabber, the hearty belch. Meanwhile, The Atom’s heroics are pretty much reduced (no pun intended) to shrinking so he can free a cat trapped under a porch. Oh, and he also gets small to enter a room undetected by an alarm laser, under which he limbos, as Chubby Checker’s “Limbo Rock” plays on the soundtrack. (Insert your own hearty belch here.)

That said, from a standpoint of pure guilty pleasures, I loved it! Directed by Félix Enríquez Alcalá (Fire Down Below) and, reportedly, Lewis Teague (Cujo), the teleflick is at least made with technical competence, but maybe not so much that your attention is diverted from the joke-heavy script or school-play costumes or any other budgetary shortcoming. As prime-time superheroes of that era go, the Justice League tops 1996’s Generation X and the David Hasselhoff-led Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. So, yeah, good news, Zack Snyder: The bar isn’t set that high. —Rod Lott