Mere months after Tim Burton’s Batman dominated not just the box office, but American cultural consciousness, ABC responded with Chameleons, a pilot movie for a new superhero series directly influenced by the Dynamic Duo. Just swap out Batman for one Captain Chameleon, replace Robin with the Paraclete of Justice, trade in the Batmobile for the Car-meleon and, well, there’s a reason you’ve never heard of this. 

Dozens, actually — only one of which has the nation wondering what a goddamn Paraclete is. 

In his last feature, swashbuckling legend Stewart Granger (1950’s King Solomon’s Mines) plays elderly publishing magnate Jason Carr, who moonlights as the Paraclete of Justice … but not for long, as black-robed, computer-voiced cult members kill him, staging his death as a heart attack “in bed with a sleazy hooker.” 

Carr’s sanitarium-patient granddaughter, Shelly (Crystal Bernard, Slumber Party Massacre II), investigates with the occasional help of Captain Chameleon (Marcus Gilbert, Army of Darkness). To justify his name, CC dons an invisibility cape and changes his costume’s color with the turn of a belt buckle that looks like a Trivial Pursuit piece with all six wedges filled. Presumably unrelated to lizard camouflage, he also ziplines to jaunty harpsichord music. Meanwhile, Shelly conducts undercover work posing as a prostitute. 

From prolific TV creator Glen A. Larson (Battlestar Galactica, Knight Rider, The Fall Guy, et al.), Chameleons is woefully out of touch. It’s like Larson’s knowledge of superheroes began and ended with Archie Comics’ Pureheart the Powerful. Bernard’s Shelly is all curls and homespun homilies, like a proto-Reba. 

As a result, no one cared; a series did not follow. Karma, Chameleons. —Rod Lott

As often happens to the sightless in the movies (Blind Fury, Daredevil, Don’t Breathe, et al.), a positive side of the disability manifests: a preternatural sense of hearing. Such is the case for former Special Forces Capt. Dong (Andy On, Black Mask 2: City of Masks) after he’s blinded by a grenade flash in a courthouse siege. That complicates Dong’s first civilian mission: Rescuing his kidnapped daughter, a violin prodigy, from auction on the dark web. Villains number many, with Jane Wu (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows) sexing things up and standing out in a too-brief role as the Dragon King.

Frequent On director Suiqiang Huo (Demon Sealer Bureau) appears to relish in the potential of the script’s setup. It’s Taken ripped from the pages of the Braille book of revenge. However, he fails continuously to give consistency to Dong’s aural power. The guy can dodge bullets by listening for the slightest trigger click … yet somehow fails to notice the oncoming van speeding toward him in an enclosed parking garage. 

Blind War can’t its find way to a satisfying whole. The action sequences can delight, but not all do. Among the most memorable involve a chain-and-dunk-tank contraption that could come straight out of Saw and, at the end, the ol’ ticking bomb our visually impaired hero must defuse. On the downside, not enough story beats exist to fill the gaps, and the back-half inclusion of a bumbling detective (a debuting Dao Dao) sits way too far on the Inspector Clouseau end of the comic-relief spectrum.

All in all, the Chinese film is a case of the blind leading the bland. It’s not the fault of its star, who brings his easy likability and striking physicality to the role. Selfishly, I just wish he’d brought his gorgeous wife (and Zombie Fight Club co-star), Jessica Cambensy, too.  —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.