Flash Gordon (1980)

Comic book movies are, for the most part, stupid. Sadly, as our society has become a bleak pit of absolute despair, so have the recent ultra-gritty four-color adaptations that have hit the screen. Those that, in the past, wallowed in their inherent camp were often mocked and relegated to various “worst movies” lists, with one of the most infamous being the comic-strip flick Flash Gordon.

Unfairly, I might add, because this Flash is a lot of fun, reminding us that comic books are supposed to be speculative blasts for kids instead of introspective dirges for grown-ups. As a childhood filmic obsession of mine, it’s really one of the few films that holds up — possibly better! — today.

As Earth comes under violent atmospheric attack — look out for the hot hail! — New York Jets quarterback Flash Gordon (Sam J. Jones) and travel agent Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) find themselves on a deco rocket piloted by supposed loon Dr. Zarkov (Topol), headed to the planet Mongo, the source of the recent cosmic disruptions.

The crew finds a highly stylized society of warmongers and slaves, led by the somewhat problematic Ming the Merciless (Max von Sydow), a flamboyant despot with a taste for sadomasochism and broad Asian caricatures — something that the red, white and blue all-American Flash ain’t having no part of, befriending various races, including birdmen, arborists and so on, into defeating the merciless Ming.

The film is full of so many scenes of colorful camp that it’s amazing this never became the Rocky Horror of nerd culture, but it’s no surprise as the script was written by the great Lorenzo Semple Jr., one of the few screenwriters to truly get Batman, James Bond and Sheena. At least I think so.

Luckily, he got Flash, too: an affable Joe with only his athletic ability and charming demeanor to take down an evil empire. And let’s not forget the heart-pounding score by Queen, a soundtrack that would remain unrivaled until a few years later when they were assigned to compose the epic music for … wait for it … Highlander. —Louis Fowler

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Verotika (2019)

Glenn Danzig may be an icon of metal, but he’s a pariah of movies — judging from his first feature as writer and director, Verotika.

Based on stories from Danzig’s own adults-only comics imprint, Verotik, the horror anthology holds one surprise: that the horned woman introducing each segment is not named Verotika, but Morella. Played by porn star Kayden Kross (Manuel Creampies Their Asses 3), Morella begins the film by pushing her thumbs through a woman’s eyeballs until those sockets are pitch-black.

In hindsight, I think Morella did the poor woman a favor.

First up in this triumvirate of train wrecks is “The Albino Spider of Dajette,” in which a Frenchwoman with a pink Wonder Twins hairdo (porn star Ashley Wisdom, My Stepsister Squirts 3) has a problem: Her giant breasts have eyeballs where areola should be, which scares off would-be sexual partners. “Not again!” she pouts as another guy bolts from her apartment. A single tear from her eye somewhere causes a tiny white CGI spider to morph into some sort of naked spider-man (Scotch Hopkins, Virus of the Dead) coated in Liquid Paper and keen at snappin’ necks of sex workers.

In “Change of Face” — it’s a pun! — one of the star strippers at Pussy Kats is Mystery Girl (Rachel Alig, The Cleaning Lady). She’s earned this nickname because she keeps her hideously scarred face covered throughout her routine. Off the stage and on the street, her hobbies include killing pretty ladies, peeling off her victims’ faces and tacking those skin masks to her bedroom wall.

Finally — repeat: finally — Danzig goes historical in “Drukija, Contessa of Blood.” Obviously based on the 16th-century royal serial killer Elizabeth Bathory, Drukija (Alice Haig, Chillerama) orders her village’s virgins to be rounded up so she can slit them open and bathe in their blood for supposed rejuvenating properties (“In my skin, there is tingle, Sheska!”). By the end, Drukija is lugging around a sacrifice’s head that looks lopped off a RealDoll — one perhaps retired from the Danzig tour bus.

Although the cast numbers many adult entertainers, everyone looks like a porn star, thanks to barren sets no better than a school play and mostly amateurish performances that unknowingly teeter the bar toward self-parody. In horror, hideous acts are all part of the show, but Verotika is all about those acts; the film has no other purpose or point. “Albino Spider” is the only segment — note I don’t call it a “story” — with anything resembling a conclusion, whereas the other two simply call it quits after subjecting viewers to an agonizing amount of screen time spent watching repetitive tasks.

I’d like to think even fans of the man’s music hold a higher standard for what qualifies as a movie. Yet somewhere, someone is not only watching Verotika, but enjoying it — and possibly even masturbating to the part where tabloid bimbo Courtney Stodden loses her phony, polycarbonate visage. —Rod Lott

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Cruel Jaws (1995)

I have never seen Steven Spielberg’s Jaws, but I have seen Bruno Mattei’s Cruel Jaws close to 10 times. While I know that might make me a terrible cinephile, I have to counter with this question: Does Jaws end with the mayor getting pushed into a body of water by a wisecracking seal?

I didn’t think so.

As that famous John Williams-esque theme song plays in the background — Star Wars — a shark made up of mostly stock footage is killing the residents of Beach Town or some other wholly generic name. Shark professor Billy shows up in time to help the police solve these murders, with help from a Hulk Hogan look-alike and his handicapped daughter who run a dolphin park.

Unfortunately, the mayor and his son aren’t buying these terrific tales of shark murder because the big sailing regatta is coming up. When all hell breaks loose, he’s forced by the sheriff to offer a reward for the head of the shark, which leads to a mad, mad, mad, mad chase for this underwater monster. At one point, a character quips, “We’re gonna need a bigger helicopter!”

Did I mention that the mafia is in on this, too, somehow?

Titled Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws overseas (this time … it’s economical), this is famed director Mattei’s rude Italian hand gesture to both the sharksploitation genre and international copyright laws, with characters who scream a badly translated script at each other, usually while pretending to look at a shark.

And so, after hearing all that, once again I have to ask: Does Jaws have that? —Louis Fowler

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Possessor (2020)

Apologies to Brandon Cronenberg, but I find it impossible to approach his films without also considering those of his famous father, David. It’s not a comparison, nor a matter of who’s “better”; I see their shared DNA linking their cinema, with the younger continuing the work of the elder, even if the elder has yet to retire. That said, while Brandon’s second film, Possessor (or Possessor Uncut, as the Blu-ray box reads) would not — could not — exist without dear ol’ Dad, it does more to distinguish itself than the younger Cronenberg’s superb 2012 debut, Antiviral.

Really, if there’s an iconic director Possessor appears to ape, it’s Christopher Nolan. The Tenet-like symmetry of its title treatment is mere icing to the multilayered cake that is its Inception-esque plot. Tasya Vos (Andrea Riseborough, Mandy) is a hit woman for hire, but she has a unique method of disposing of her targets: She gets others to assassinate for her — well, kinda. By way of brain implants, she hijacks into their mind and carries out the dirty deed under their identity. Initial scenes of this process, including ports jutting from Tasya’s body to be hardwired, can’t help but recall You Know Who — in particular, 1999’s eXistenZ starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, who here fills a loop-closing supporting role of Tasya’s employer.

As Possessor settles into its main plot, Tasya’s latest boytoy, so to speak, is Colin Tate (Christopher Abbott, It Comes at Night), a nondescript techie cog “assigned” to kill a corporate bigwig who also happens to be his future father-in-law (Sean Bean, Silent Hill: Revelation). As happens with technology when it’s least convenient, not everything in Tasya’s ops mission goes as planned, with Colin gaining flashes of awareness that his body is not currently his own. If that concept is difficult to wrap your mind around, wait until you see Cronenberg depict Colin and Tasya’s minds melded together.

One may lose sight of Colin’s/Tasya’s mark as the minutes pulse by because Cronenberg is less invested in telling the story as much as how he tells it. Already a considerable visualist of terrifying talent, he has a gift for shot composition exceeded by a knack for their ability to horrify, itself exceeded only in pulling off what are bound to be among 2020’s most memorable scenes; if it’s not the gender-fluid sexual encounter or the wholly unexpected end, it’s definitely all the face-melting.

Riseborough and Abbott, both of whose work I’ve long admired, know to yield the spotlight to the concept — the film’s true star — without allowing themselves to be overwhelmed by it. Clearly, they’re all-in on this ride. To call Possessor “a trippy mindfuck” is to tell a half-truth — or maybe a quarter-truth or an even lesser fraction — because just as you wonder what may have been dropped in Cronenberg’s drink that day on set, you may suspect it somehow has been slipped to you, too. —Rod Lott

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Je T’aime Moi Non Plus (1976)

Serge Gainsbourg is held up, by me, as the undisputed master of Parisian perversity, audibly in his music and visually in his films. With titles like the exhibitionist Stan the Flasher or the incestuous Charlotte for Ever, he’s one of the few directors who continually lived up to the devious promises of his first flick, Je T’aime Moi Non Plus.

Warhol himbo Joe Dallesandro is the über-trashy Krassky, a homosexual garbage man who dumps refuse with his clingy boyfriend, the homicidally jealous Padovan. When they stop for lunch at a run-down diner, he meets Johnny (Gainsbourg’s then-wife, Jane Birkin), a noticeably androgynous waitress desperate for some sort of human connection.

In many beautifully filmed scenes of raw attraction put to a gorgeously lush soundtrack, the two fall in inseparable love, but when it comes time for hetero-intercourse, Krassky can only perform one way, and I’m sure you know what that is: wholly stereotyped searing anal, of course, causing absolute pain for Johnny, whose dry screaming gets them thrown out of every motel in town.

They eventually find sexual solace in the back of his garbage truck.

While some have called Je T’aime misogynistic — the brutal finale makes it an absolutely hard accusation to fight — this un-love story shared its title with the notorious Gainsbourg/Birkin tune of the same name, a lust-filled romp that, though not as sweet, is a cynical view of diseased love like many of his songs. With a pedigree like that, it’s strange his films aren’t held up as the sleaze-filled treasures they should be. —Louis Fowler

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