Tremors (1990)

Living in Perfection, Nevada, is a daily reminder that the world has passed you by. With a population of only 17 people and one general store, it’s a place that reminds me of the Texas towns I lived around — sometimes with even less than that — so I can truly see why the people in Tremors dream of leaving it.

But when best buds Valentine (Kevin Bacon) and Earl (Fred Ward) come across very large — and very ugly — worms out in the desert, it makes leaving a whole helluvalot easier.

These are two dudes out in the sands putting up posts just to get by, when they manage to mess with a whole mess of these creatures — nicknamed “graboids” — making them the unlikely heroes of the story. With a seismologist named Rhonda (Finn Carter), as well as all the townspeople, they team up to fight the below-earth monsters, which seem to operate on the vibrations in the ground (although one of its six sequels might have changed that; I haven’t seen them all) and represent a species that science is quite late in discovering.

Although Bacon had many bombs at the time — many films I dug, mind you — this video-store hit was seemingly everything he needed to get back into Hollywood’s good graces. That same year, he was also part of the ensemble cast of Flatliners, which recently had a terrible remake; until 2018, this film only had sequels, all made for video.

Featuring an additionally somewhat-name cast that includes Victor Wong, Oklahoma country star Reba McEntire and Family Ties alum Michael Gross — who’s gone on to star in all those sequels — I’d be lying if I didn’t say that Tremors inspired me to always be on the lookout for cryptids in my own backyard, one of the half-dozen or so that saw this flick in the theater upon its original release.

Of course, I never found any … but I haven’t stopped looking. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001)

That Turbulence II: Fear of Flying star Craig Sheffer returns to the direct-to-video sequel as a different character isn’t the strangest aspect of Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal. It may not even make the top five.

After all, this final flight of the plane-crazy forced franchise is about a death-metal concert livestreamed from a Trans-Con Airlines 747 making its way from L.A. to Toronto. Somehow, the band’s members, fans and groupies make it through the metal detectors, what with all their chains, studs and labia piercings. Hosted by a Z Web TV personality vacuum-packed in black leather (former underage Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Monika Schnarre), the gig marks the farewell performance for the Marilyn Manson-esque Slade Craven (Spirit of the West frontman John Mann).

Why farewell? For starters, it appears that the satanic singer has hijacked the plane, killed the pilot and ordered a reroute to Eastern Kansas, “one of the unholiest places on earth” because it’s believed to be a direct portal to hell. So there’s that.

On the ground, an FBI computer expert (Body Snatchers’ Gabrielle Anwar) taps Nick Watts, a hacker she’s been chasing for years, to gain access to the Z Web TV feed so the authorities can strategize to avert disaster. Watts is played by the aforementioned Sheffer, demoted to supporting duties here, perhaps on account of an appearance — wispy mustache, spike-moussed hair and too much bandana — that suggests he came to set straight from auditioning for a made-for-cable biopic of Axl Rose.

If there’s one thing Hollywood depicts exceedingly well … um, it sure didn’t board before Turbulence 3 left the gate, and sure as Hades isn’t hacking! Nonetheless, Jorge Montesi, director of the immortal Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?, gives viewers scene after scene of Anwar and Sheffer sitting side by side, navigating programs and databases that conjure memories of HyperCard and MacDraw Pro. The two actors share no chemistry, which is odd considering they were a real-life item for several years, even having a child together.

While Joe Mantegna (The Godfather: Part III) hardly phones it in as an FBI agent, one can sense his pain every minute he’s onscreen, having gone from speaking the dialogue of Pulitzer Prize winner David Mamet to that of camera operator Wade Ferley, whose lone screenplay Turbulence 3 is. Conversely, as a TCA co-pilot, Rutger Hauer (Wanted Dead or Alive) looks pleased as punch to literally sit and collect that check.

Because it features a lot of terrible music — the kind whose album art is ready-made for unauthorized reproductions on locker mirrors won at state fairs — Turbulence 3 can’t be as much fun as Turbulence II, even when accounting for the hilarious ending of a commercial airliner having to be landed by a shock rocker whose makeup screams Roger Corman’s The Crow overdue for a haircut. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

S.O.S. Survive or Sacrifice (2020)

From the Republic of Cyprus, the adventure thriller S.O.S. Survive or Sacrifice boasts all the twisty plotting of its titular string of Morse code. In the Mediterranean, young American woman Kate (Jeannine Kaspar, 2014’s Hidden in the Woods) meets her younger Russian sister, Liz (a debuting Ksenia Pinch), an emo ginger who leaves their passports at an airport bench like a total dum-dum. Get used to that behavior; I’m sensing a trend.

Stranded at a hotel, an infuriated Kate leaves Liz in their room and goes to get completely blitzed at the bar. There, she’s befriended by Myra (newcomer Marianna Rosset), a sexy local who’s actually 50% of a con-artist couple; Myra’s other, definitely lesser half (Backdraft 2’s William Baldwin, formerly “the hot Baldwin,” now fully transformed into Daniel) raids and ransacks their targets’ rooms while Myra keeps them occupied on the dance floor. Of course, Kate’s room isn’t empty at all, which a bow-tied Baldwin soon discovers. While Liz evades capture and worse, she has a tough time convincing hotel staff she’s not making up a story, much less communicating with them in a common tongue.

Meanwhile, back at the main story, Myra convinces Kate to take a late-night joyride in a hot air balloon with two random dudes, because that’s exactly the kind of activity to which drunk beautiful people stumble. Things quickly go south, in that they’re unable to control the balloon. Winds blow it over the ocean and out of cellphone range. As night turns to day, one guy is wind-turbined outta there when a blade slices through the basket; the other guy’s leg gets pierced by a splinter the size of a wooden vampire stake, prompting Kate to remove her shirt to fashion a tourniquet.

With that, Cypriot director and co-writer Roman Doronin (Portrait of God) introduces S.O.S.’ other throughline: increasingly desperate reasons for the two ladies to disrobe, one piece of clothing at a time. His camera is so pointedly leering, the movie begins to resemble a game of strip poker merged with disaster-scenario role-play as foreplay.

With red lipstick ready to write on the balloon basket’s ad banner, Kate asks, “What’s something that everyone can understand?” After some thought, Myra replies with little confidence, “S.O.S.?” Perfect! But Kate uses the entire tube on the first letter, so she scissors her hand open for blood — an act that looks slightly less painful than Myra thinking seconds earlier. Once “S.O.S.” is properly smeared for distress-message purposes, Kate needs to bandage her hand, so it’s Myra’s turn to lose her shirt.

After relighting the balloon’s flame MacGyver-style with a vodka-filled condom and €10, Kate wants to block off the hole in the basket’s side for safety, thus requiring her to use her black leather pants for rope. Myra’s pants follow shortly, to lessen their weight load. With both rescue-ready damsels now clad solely in bra and panties, Doronin more or less marks things as “mission accomplished.”

Through the actions of his characters and those of Doronin as a filmmaker, S.O.S. Survive or Sacrifice exhibits a level of stupidity so aggressive, it’s almost admirable. From one shot to another, the balloon is consistently inconsistent in its proximity to water — especially egregious considering the level of control green-screen shooting affords him. On the subject of previous credits, most of the cast members have between zero and next to that, which shines through every scene — especially egregious considering how many do little more than gaze toward the sky and say, “Look! A balloon!” (or some variation), while for balance, our hot-air heroines point out watercraft in similar expository declarations.

A viewer may feel genuine embarrassment for Kaspar and Rosset having to wrestle with such material, and at least double that amount for doing so while passively modeling lingerie. The same viewer may wonder if Doronin planned that for distraction or is simply delusional. My vote is cast for the latter, as S.O.S. Shit on a Shingle’s closing credits crawl to the tune of a howler of a theme song with no underwire visuals to divert your attention from the ballad’s priority in conveying a cogent message finishes second — or maybe sixth — to forcing a rhyme: “Oh, baby, can you hear my S.O.S. / I just can’t stand my loneliness / Want to say no more, no less / I’m sending you my S.O.S. / And you’ll see me when you hear it / I will be impressed.”

Yet you will not. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Boiled Angels: The Trial of Mike Diana (2018)

I was smack dab in the middle of the so-called zine revolution, writing and publishing my work on an irregular basis. As a contributor to the scene, I was clinically obsessed with the trade publication of the amateur industry, Factsheet 5. It was there where I first learned about Mike Diana, the publisher of Boiled Angel, a badly drawn comic featuring some of the most socially deviant acts of satanic sex.

At the time, I thought he was an attention-seeking sociopath who, like many zinesters, was looking for that big break into the mainstream. And, after viewing this documentary, it looks as though, for the most part, I was right and he definitely got it.

Helmed by Basket Case auteur Frank Henenlotter, Boiled Angels: The Trial of Mike Diana tells the tale of a man and his zine, a grotty little manifesto that got him in trouble with Florida law, mostly for his cartoons of rotten cannibalism, hardcore sex and other acts of salacious storytelling.

While I would have (should have?) purchased it at the time and just forgotten about it, instead the trashiest state in the union decided to punish him for the immoral zine, causing him to become a hero in the eyes of those who independently published even lesser material. And I’ll admit it: I was one of them. While Diana is very much a troubled soul who should have been left by the wayside the way most zine publishers were, I guess the movement needed a hero and he was, whether he wanted to be, it.

Judging on what he was publishing, I guess it was somewhat worth it, although I don’t think he was mentally prepared for it. If I’m being honest, neither were any of the zinesters at the time, with most of us finally knowing the true story of Diana and Boiled Angel thanks to this documentary; as they say, knowing is half the battle. So while I can’t say Diana is a personal hero, to those of us doing zines, he was definitely on the far right — or is it left? — of the heroic scale. —Louis Fowler

Get it at Amazon.

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

For Wonder Woman 1984, the sequel to the 2017 phenomenon, director and co-writer Patty Jenkins really leans in to the date of the title. After a flashback prologue showing a feisty young Diana Prince (a returning Lilly Aspell) competing as a kid in her island home’s version of American Ninja Warrior, Jenkins splashes the screen with a colorful, bubbly, all-American look at our nation’s capital in ways it never really was in the Reagan era, which is to say looking not dissimilar to Back to the Future Part II’s living-cartoon idea of 2015.

All the rainbow neon and big hair aside, this Washington, D.C.-set intro works well and with a winking vibe, no doubt influenced by Richard Donner’s vision of Metropolis in Superman as a veritable domino line of pratfalls. The Mack Sennett-style chaos snakes indoors to a mall jewelry store robbery foiled by the arrival of — yep, you guessed it — Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot). One of the swiped pieces is a mysterious chunk of, well, no one knows, so the FBI enlists the Smithsonian to help ID it. That’s where the plainclothes Diana works, as does the socially awkward Barbara Minerva (Bridesmaids’ Kristen Wiig).

The artifact of unknown origin is revealed to be a wishing rock, in that when someone holds it and speaks their desire aloud, a wisp of wind blows their bangs askew and the wish is immediately granted. Such a powerful object attracts the greedy hands of failing oilman Max Lord (an über-hammy Pedro Pascal, Kingsman: The Golden Circle), who seduces Barbara to gain access; she herself uses it to undergo one for those overnight movie makeovers from meek nerd to foxy mama.

Diana unknowingly leverages its powers, too, allowing Jenkins and her fellow scripters Geoff Johns (Aquaman) and Dave Callaham (2014’s Godzilla) to bring back love interest Steve Trevor (Chris Pine, Hell or High Water). Having perished in the first film’s end, Steve is resurrected in perhaps the laziest way possible: via the silly science of comic-book plotting. However, the arrival of Trevor, a World War I pilot, into a baffling, parachute-panted future livens WW84 tremendously, thanks to Pine’s unwavering commitment to not minding looking goofy. His comic performance is the MVP of the sequel, bar none.

What takes the air out of WW84 is the common archenemy of superhero cinema: third-act bloat. Given its 2.5-hour running time, one could make the case for fourth-act bloat as well. By then, Max Lord’s quest for world domination has been run into the ground with nowhere else to go but run further into the ground, to the point of subterranean. Barbara’s own transformation from human hottie to a CGI cheetah woman is needless, especially as the character resembles an The Island of Dr. Moreau abomination filtered through the costume department of Cats.

Still, a lot remains to like about Wonder Woman 1984. Even when saddled with hokey dialogue in the de rigueur showdown, Gadot believably embodies goodwill and decency. She shines as a straight-and-serious heroine, too, never better than in Jenkins’ big action set piece in the middle — and in the Middle East — which recalls one that put Indiana Jones through the peak-Spielberg paces of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The movie benefits from more humor and less world-building than its predecessor, before giving in to the subgenre’s worst tendencies of epically reaching to out-epic the most recent fantasy epic, to less-than-epic effect. —Rod Lott

Random Genre & Cult Movie Reviews