Cruel Jaws (1995)

I have never seen Steven Spielberg’s Jaws, but I have seen Bruno Mattei’s Cruel Jaws close to 10 times. While I know that might make me a terrible cinephile, I have to counter with this question: Does Jaws end with the mayor getting pushed into a body of water by a wisecracking seal?

I didn’t think so.

As that famous John Williams-esque theme song plays in the background — Star Wars — a shark made up of mostly stock footage is killing the residents of Beach Town or some other wholly generic name. Shark professor Billy shows up in time to help the police solve these murders, with help from a Hulk Hogan look-alike and his handicapped daughter who run a dolphin park.

Unfortunately, the mayor and his son aren’t buying these terrific tales of shark murder because the big sailing regatta is coming up. When all hell breaks loose, he’s forced by the sheriff to offer a reward for the head of the shark, which leads to a mad, mad, mad, mad chase for this underwater monster. At one point, a character quips, “We’re gonna need a bigger helicopter!”

Did I mention that the mafia is in on this, too, somehow?

Titled Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws overseas (this time … it’s economical), this is famed director Mattei’s rude Italian hand gesture to both the sharksploitation genre and international copyright laws, with characters who scream a badly translated script at each other, usually while pretending to look at a shark.

And so, after hearing all that, once again I have to ask: Does Jaws have that? —Louis Fowler

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Possessor (2020)

Apologies to Brandon Cronenberg, but I find it impossible to approach his films without also considering those of his famous father, David. It’s not a comparison, nor a matter of who’s “better”; I see their shared DNA linking their cinema, with the younger continuing the work of the elder, even if the elder has yet to retire. That said, while Brandon’s second film, Possessor (or Possessor Uncut, as the Blu-ray box reads) would not — could not — exist without dear ol’ Dad, it does more to distinguish itself than the younger Cronenberg’s superb 2012 debut, Antiviral.

Really, if there’s an iconic director Possessor appears to ape, it’s Christopher Nolan. The Tenet-like symmetry of its title treatment is mere icing to the multilayered cake that is its Inception-esque plot. Tasya Vos (Andrea Riseborough, Mandy) is a hit woman for hire, but she has a unique method of disposing of her targets: She gets others to assassinate for her — well, kinda. By way of brain implants, she hijacks into their mind and carries out the dirty deed under their identity. Initial scenes of this process, including ports jutting from Tasya’s body to be hardwired, can’t help but recall You Know Who — in particular, 1999’s eXistenZ starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, who here fills a loop-closing supporting role of Tasya’s employer.

As Possessor settles into its main plot, Tasya’s latest boytoy, so to speak, is Colin Tate (Christopher Abbott, It Comes at Night), a nondescript techie cog “assigned” to kill a corporate bigwig who also happens to be his future father-in-law (Sean Bean, Silent Hill: Revelation). As happens with technology when it’s least convenient, not everything in Tasya’s ops mission goes as planned, with Colin gaining flashes of awareness that his body is not currently his own. If that concept is difficult to wrap your mind around, wait until you see Cronenberg depict Colin and Tasya’s minds melded together.

One may lose sight of Colin’s/Tasya’s mark as the minutes pulse by because Cronenberg is less invested in telling the story as much as how he tells it. Already a considerable visualist of terrifying talent, he has a gift for shot composition exceeded by a knack for their ability to horrify, itself exceeded only in pulling off what are bound to be among 2020’s most memorable scenes; if it’s not the gender-fluid sexual encounter or the wholly unexpected end, it’s definitely all the face-melting.

Riseborough and Abbott, both of whose work I’ve long admired, know to yield the spotlight to the concept — the film’s true star — without allowing themselves to be overwhelmed by it. Clearly, they’re all-in on this ride. To call Possessor “a trippy mindfuck” is to tell a half-truth — or maybe a quarter-truth or a fact of an even lesser fraction — because just as you wonder what may have been dropped in Cronenberg’s drink that day on set, you may suspect it somehow has been slipped to you, too. —Rod Lott

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Je T’aime Moi Non Plus (1976)

Serge Gainsbourg is held up, by me, as the undisputed master of Parisian perversity, audibly in his music and visually in his films. With titles like the exhibitionist Stan the Flasher or the incestuous Charlotte for Ever, he’s one of the few directors who continually lived up to the devious promises of his first flick, Je T’aime Moi Non Plus.

Warhol himbo Joe Dallesandro is the über-trashy Krassky, a homosexual garbage man who dumps refuse with his clingy boyfriend, the homicidally jealous Padovan. When they stop for lunch at a run-down diner, he meets Johnny (Gainsbourg’s then-wife, Jane Birkin), a noticeably androgynous waitress desperate for some sort of human connection.

In many beautifully filmed scenes of raw attraction put to a gorgeously lush soundtrack, the two fall in inseparable love, but when it comes time for hetero-intercourse, Krassky can only perform one way, and I’m sure you know what that is: wholly stereotyped searing anal, of course, causing absolute pain for Johnny, whose dry screaming gets them thrown out of every motel in town.

They eventually find sexual solace in the back of his garbage truck.

While some have called Je T’aime misogynistic — the brutal finale makes it an absolutely hard accusation to fight — this un-love story shared its title with the notorious Gainsbourg/Birkin tune of the same name, a lust-filled romp that, though not as sweet, is a cynical view of diseased love like many of his songs. With a pedigree like that, it’s strange his films aren’t held up as the sleaze-filled treasures they should be. —Louis Fowler

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El Chicano (2018)

They say “Never say never,” but I’m saying “never”: Marvel or DC will never make a superhero flick that features a Latinx headliner — if they can even fucking find one, and I don’t mean as an alien, extraterrestrial or undocumented.

That means if we want a heroic avenger to cheer in an ongoing battle against evil, we’re going to have to create our own, typically to varying degrees of success. This is exemplified with the vigilante El Chicano, an original character conceived by Ben Hernandez Bray and Joe Carnahan, also to varying degrees of success.

In the film El Chicano, a dark knight has protected East L.A. and the surrounding areas since the 1940s, using his well-honed fighting skills, tricked-out cycle and skull-like visage to strike what I’m assuming is fear into the hearts of thugs and bangers, dealers and politicians.

While investigating a deadly cartel moving into his jurisdiction, LAPD Detective Diego Hernandez (Raul Castillo) discovers that his dead brother had taken on the mantle of El Chicano and now it’s his turn, using the mask and his muscle to disrupt the flow of drugs and the scourge of murders that, apparently, his childhood friend is woefully behind.

El Chicano picks and chooses what white-boy comic-book mythos to take from — a little Punisher here, a bit of Batman there — to become El Chicano. Despite an overly long origin, when he finally slips the half-mask on, it plays very much like the type of satisfying story superhero fans should crave, leading to a super-loco tacked-on coda for a sequel I wish were here right now. —Louis Fowler

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Creep Van (2012)

For his sophomore effort, director Scott W. McKinlay reassembles much of his cast and crew from his 2006 debut, Gag. That includes Brian Kolodziej, who takes the driver’s seat of Creep Van as Campbell, a young man forced to accept a lowly gig at a car wash after being fired from a grocery store for stealing porno magazines they don’t even stock.

Being without wheels, Campbell wants to buy a dirty and dirt-cheap van he finds for sale; says his co-worker/love interest (Amy Wehrell), “It looks like the poster child for rape prevention.” That’s really the least of the vehicle’s problems, because it’s driven by a guy who has booby-trapped it to do away with those who dare inquire about acquiring it. A busty blonde (super-sexy Lisa Waishes-Cornwell, Tomcats) finds its seat belt cutting into her shoulder, while a bikini babe (Angelina Armani, Fear Clinic) gets her head smashed in its spring-loaded side door.

To no one’s surprise, it’s in this realm of the sick that Creep Van finds its stride. While the film has a healthy sense of humor, one could argue successfully that it’s too jokey — verging on Troma, at that — than need be. (Speaking of, Troma head Lloyd Kaufman cameos, one assumes as nonfinancial payback for McKinlay serving as a producer for Kaufman’s Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV.) When it most counts — Act 3, of course — McKinlay leaves the laughs in the dust, which I wish he had done much sooner, since the comedic tone doesn’t mesh as well with the convincingly grotesque effects as he might think.

That said, I can’t help but recommend that horror fans scream, “Shotgun!” and buckle in for a harmless 80-minute ride. As a throwback to old-school slashers, you could do a ton or two worse. I was never bored by what transpired — a target at which more microbudgeted projects should take care to aim. —Rod Lott

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