In the late 1970s, sci-fi flicks popped up like mad, because producers wrongly assumed any space-themed film would be the next Star Wars. Italy made scads of them, including Cosmos: War of the Planets. If a plot exists to its first half, it skipped the translation process.

For 45 minutes, the members of a spaceship push buttons, take orders from a computer named Wiz, go on a spacewalk where acid seeps into the suit, and have virtual sex in the “Cosmic Love” room (which has two settings: “violent or gentle”). Because they all wear red cloth helmets that obscure a majority of the head, it’s extremely difficult to tell the characters apart. Okay, so one has a beard, one is black (and gets the whitest voice-dub of them all) and a couple of them have breasts, but other than that, baby, they’re the same.

Then they visit a mysterious planet, where a semblance of a story takes shape. Our heroes come across a Stonehenge-like structure that, when walked through, zaps them underground to a cavernous dwelling housing a race of mostly naked slaves who look like Blue Man Group with Mr. Spock ears. As these slaves explain via telepathy, they’re lorded over by a boxy slot-machine robot that suspiciously resembles that non-threatening educational toy Tomy put on the market around the time.

The last few minutes is one of those endings that makes you go, “What the—?” for several reasons, not the least of which is a crew member who inexplicably turns into a rabid, pustule-faced monster. With the flick’s low budget, expect a goofy electronic score, rudimentary optical effects and cardboard direction by Super Stooges vs. the Wonder Women‘s Al Bradley (aka Alfonso Brescia); ironically, don’t expect the one thing that costs nothing: lucidity. —Rod Lott

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Also known as The Time Shifters, Thrill Seekers is not thrilling. Despite the presence of JAG hottie Catherine Bell, Thrill Seekers is not something that will give you an erection. Despite having Starship Troopers vet Casper Van Dien in the lead, Thrill Seekers is something I watched anyway.

VD (as I like to call him) portrays (okay, maybe “portrays” is too strong a word for someone of his limited talents) a disgraced broadcast reporter forced to seek employment at a National Enquirer-type weekly. He uncovers the story of a lifetime when he spots the same man in photos of three natural disasters spaced 100 years apart, all in his first 15 minutes on the job. (Whereas in reality, a single page of Where’s Waldo? probably would have VD flummoxed for a good 45.)

Through some crack investigative techniques (i.e. pure dumb luck), VD discovers a travel agency in the future is sending tourists back in time to the sites of these disasters as part of their “Thrill Seekers” package, masterminded in part by a jowly Martin Sheen. Using a brochure swiped from one of the tourists, VD and fellow reporter Bell aim to change history by preventing the tragedies before they can happen. Lucky for them, they all appear to occur in the same city in the span of a couple days.

Thrill Seekers is almost worth sitting through just to see VD’s ham-fisted theatrics. Every time he gets a monologue, it’s like watching the high school quarterback audition for the drama department’s play just for a joke. I think the reason they gave him facial hair in this movie is to remind you you’re not watching something on Nickelodeon. Catherine Oxenberg has a small part as the Thrill Seekers spokesperson. Geez, who’d she have to blow to nail that plum role? Oh, yeah, I forgot: her husband, VD. —Rod Lott

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During a blizzard, a group of people is trapped inside a tiny airport. As a felon named Jack (Evil Dead icon Bruce Campbell) learns following a trip to the men’s room, some of the airport’s inhabitants are really aliens disguised as humans. Thus, the group has to simultaneously trust each other and figure out who among them isn’t the real deal. If it sounds like John Carpenter’s The Thing meets the TV sitcom Wings, you’re right!

All the stock characters are present in Terminal Invasion: the kindly old woman, precocious kids, harried businessman, insensitive husband, nagging wife, scaredy-cat security guard — right down to the token black guy who says things like, “This is whack!” and “Yeah, now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!”

Campbell is the bad guy who is forced by circumstances to become the good guy, and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine starlet Chase Masterson is a feisty alpha-female pilot. They try to find out who’s got the alien inside them by taking turns going through the X-ray machine, and not one of them brings up the sterility issue. Kids, don’t try this at home!

The first half of this straight-to-cable movie is actually pretty decent. It’s not until it becomes the standard cat-and-mouse game that things get … well, standard. Friday the 13th‘s Sean S. Cunningham directs better than usual, while Campbell is, as always, terrific fun to watch, even when mired in dung. —Rod Lott

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You know, when I watch crappy movies that went straight to video and hear ridiculous lines like “I’ll give you a lead enema!” and “I think table 3 could use some nachos,” I often wonder if the screenwriter had illusions his work was headed for the $100-million-budget treatment instead of one just above your average rental fee.

I thought that a lot during Cyber Tracker, partly because it was so boring, I had to do something to bide the time, and partly because its premise and some scenes reminded me of Steven Spielberg’s Minority Report. As expected, Cyber Tracker’s level of energy doesn’t compare to Minority Report, unless we’re talking about that part in the latter’s end credits where they listed the caterers.

Bloodfist franchise star Don “The Dragon” Wilson kickboxes his way through his role as a Secret Service agent in the near future, when “computerized justice” allows Terminator-like robots to execute the guilty immediately, no questions asked. But when the grieving, widowed Wilson is framed for murder, he has to clear his name in order to stay alive.

After all, he’s in danger of getting a lead enema, and table 3 sure could use some nachos. —Rod Lott

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In Paper Man, a fat, suspenders-wearing college nerd who looks like the spawn of John Denver and Munchie accidentally receives a credit card sent to his address to someone named Henry Norman. With the help of four computer lab buddies — including a foxy Stefanie Powers — they create a whole identity for this Norman character, thus enabling them to use the credit card for a spending spree.

After getting Henry a driver’s license, a Social Security number and even a birth certificate, “Henry” starts to become all too real. After the gnome boy dies from an insulin overdose and the token Asian is cut in half by an elevator — the result of computer errors both — the survivors get their computer theory pal, Avery (a sleepy Dean Stockwell), to erase Henry from the computer, which is as outdated as Ms. Powers’ hairstyle. It’s one of those big honkin’ mainframes with lotsa blinking lights, spinning tape reels and a court-stenographer interface.

But Avery’s efforts fail and Henry keeps on killin’, with fingers pointing to Avery himself. Says the computer lab technician to the sheriff, “He’s a brilliant student, but he’s abnormally shy.” Replies the sheriff, “Y’know, if there’s one thing I don’t look forward to, it’s spending time with a brilliant student who’s abnormally shy.” Huh?

The entire story is built upon incredible gaps of logic, but for a ’70s CBS made-for-TV movie, that’s expected and welcome. It doesn’t live up to the promise set forth in the first half, but the time mostly flies. I recall seeing a Married … with Children episode that was just like this mistaken-credit-card madness — just minus the murder. —Rod Lott

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