For Teenage Caveman, a remake of Roger Corman’s 1958 adventure starring Robert Vaughn, talentless pervo Kids director Larry Clark rounded up perhaps the most unappealing group of what looks like malnourished, anorexic, doped-up, but well-shampooed young adults he could unearth. These teens live in a cave in a post-apocalyptic America, but when one of them kills the sexually predatory tribal leader, they hightail it toward the ruins of Seattle, but a storm knocks them out en route.

They mysteriously wake up in their underwear, in a high-tech, 21st-century compound, having been brought there by its inhabitants, an Asian slut (Tiffany Limos, Clark’s Ken Park) and her boyfriend, Neil (Richard Hillman, Bring It On), who looks like James Van Der Beek if he were a member of the New York Dolls. From here, Clark’s waste of a film becomes the making of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, as Neil and his lady introduce the innocents to the joys of shaving your pubic region in a communal bath, snorting coke, drinking Cutty Sark by the bottle and — with detailed, hands-on instruction — having promiscuous sex.

This paradise soon sours as the kids begin dying at the hands of Neil, who is really a 120-year-old genetic freak with superheightened senses. He hulks out into a large-craniumed, hairy-chested monster who runs around in silver trousers. Thus, it’s the usual Clark film: quasi-kiddie porn with amateur acting and a shitty screenplay (“You’re a looner!” the heroine exclaims at the monster), but with the added bonus of the occasional exploding human.

Just because this is the only movie you’re likely to see where the creature flips off the “hero” and screams “You fuckin’ cunt!” before being blown to smithereens doesn’t mean you should. —Rod Lott

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In B-movie king Roger Corman’s last directorial effort to date, Frankenstein Unbound, L.A.-based scientist Dr. Buchanan (John Hurt, Alien) hits a “time slip” caused by testing his latest weapon, thus transporting him back to 19th-century Geneva, where the monstrous creature (Nick Brimble, Little John of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) created by Dr. Frankenstein (Raul Julia, The Addams Family) is running loose and killing people.

Buchanan drives around the primitive village in his computerized super car, trying to end the reign of the monster, who at one point pulls a guy’s heart out and shows it to the poor guy just before he drops dead. Somehow, Buchanan still finds time to get inside the corset of Mary Shelley (Bridget Fonda, Jackie Brown). “Percy and Byron preach free love,” she says. “I practice it.” Bo-i-i-ing!

Bizarrely, Buchanan and the monster team up to get the car in another time slip, in a scene that recalls both Back to the Future and TV’s Knight Rider. That’s kind of the uneasy mix that floats in and out of this one. Put good actors in front of Corman’s camera and his proficiency as a director can be seen. Based on the 1973 Brian Aldiss novel of the same name, Unbound is unusual, colorful and sometimes cool. Although it lags in its dream sequences, Corman’s take on the tale is better than Kenneth Branagh’s more straightforward one just a few years later. —Rod Lott

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Following 1975’s hit Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptation of The Land That Time Forgot, the sequel, The People That Time Forgot, is markedly better, with more action, more adventure, more dinosaurs and the added bonus of snakes, spiders and genuine cavegirl jiggle! Also based on a Burroughs work, it opens with an expedition headed to the land that time forgot in order to save Doug McClure’s ass. Heading up the search party is his pal, Patrick Wayne (son of John Wayne, and star of Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger), and Superman II’s Sarah Douglas is a photographer along for the ride.

They enter the land not via sub, but biplane, which is immediately attacked by a pterodactyl. After landing, Douglas plays a cruel trick on Wayne that’ll leave you hoping the bitch gets eaten first. Then, in the jungle, they meet a curvy cavegirl (Dana Gillespie, Hammer’s The Lost Continent) whose outfit tests the bounds of the PG rating. Among all of The People That Time Forgot, hers is the cleavage I’ll never forget.

Soon they stumble upon McClure, pulling a Chuck Heston-style cameo in a subplot with a distinct Planet of the Apes vibe, as our heroes are menaced by an army of masked missing links with swords on horseback and who live in a mountaintop cave shaped like a giant skull.

Yeah, it ends with another run-from-the-lava finale, but People isn’t the same movie as Land. With very little setup required, it sprints through 90 minutes with imagination, fun and chest-baring eye candy. —Rod Lott

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Amicus and AIP joined forces to adapt Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel The Land That Time Forgot for film, mostly to good effect. The selling point here is the dinosaurs, and while they’re not up to the standards of today (we’ve been spoiled by Jurassic Park), they do deliver.

Doug McClure (At the Earth’s Core) and his twee lady friend (Susan Penhaligon, Patrick) are the two lone survivors of a peaceful ship brought down by the torpedoes of a German U-boat during World War I. With the help of some fellow Englishmen they have the good fortune to stumble upon in the fog, the Yanks overtake the Kraut sub.

But the Germans have fucked with the compass, purposely sending the vessel way off-course in the Arctic. So off-course, in fact, that they’re lost and end up in a prehistoric world … that time forgot! Said land is inhabited by all kinds of dinosaurs that attack from the ground, air and sea. They’re either puppets or men in suits or models on strings, but they get the job done.

The land is also home to a tribe of fugly cavemen with lots of hair on their backs. With them, the creatures, the Germans and the Englishmen all at odds with one another, the line between who’s good and bad starts to blur, culminating in an ending that’s rather dark, but nonetheless satisfying. Directed by Kevin Connor (Motel Hell), the movie takes its precious time getting started, but eventually picks up steam after the first third, stumbling a bit in pacing toward the protracted, volcano-erupting climax. —Rod Lott

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Former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura amateurishly headlines his own terrible Terminator rip-off in Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe, written and directed by Ski School‘s Damian Lee. Ventura stars as the 11,862-year-old title character, an intergalactic cop known as a “finder.” In the prologue, he’s “finding” Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen, Mallrats), a Schwarzenegger sound-alike seeking a fertile female whom he can impregnate with his hand, and Sonia (Marjorie Bransfield, a former spouse of Jim Belushi, who cameos) has the unfortunate experience of housing the nearest womb.

Here’s the part I still can’t understand: Secundus plants his seed in Sonia to hide some “anti-life formula” that could result in the world’s end, knowing it will be implanted in the resulting child’s brain. So years later, Secundus comes looking for the kid so he can extract the formula. Why not save all the trouble and simply not give the formula away? Or God forbid, memorize it?

Anyway, wherever Secundus goes, Abraxas follows, ready to uphold the good of the universe. (Another thing: If the fate at the entire universe were at stake, why send only one guy?) Secundus isn’t above slaughtering innocents to find his child, who has never spoken a word and harbors the uncanny ability to make others wet their pants. Abraxas seems less interested in keeping the kid alive than he is in getting busy with Sonia. See, in all his nearly 12,000 years alive, he’s never so much as kissed a woman.

Ventura is no credible action hero. In fact, without his trademark shaved head and beard, he looks an awful lot like a hospital janitor or a proud member of the crew at your corner Jiffy Lube. His constant blank stare and wooden line readings make me wonder if he was faring well in his role as a steel-reinforced cyborg or simply not acting at all; I choose the latter. —Rod Lott

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