All posts by Richard York

Wild Guitar (1962)

wildguitarWTFIn Wild Guitar, Arch Hall Jr. is Bud Eagle, a hopeful musician from Fuckstink, Texas, who takes off for Hollywood with (literally) 15 cents in pursuit of his big break. As with any such case, Bud becomes an overnight sensation in about an hour.

There are lots of bad, warbly-sung Arch songs, like the kind you’re probably still humming from Eegah (“…oh, Vickieeee”) and Bud immediately falls in love with an almost pretty girl, conveniently named Vickie (Nancy Czar, Winter a-Go-Go). Hall Jr. also gets to show off his gift for physical comedy, poolside. Thanks, Dad — er, I mean, Mr. Producer who is not my dad.

wildguitar1But I have to say, this is a very well-made movie. There’s some zingy dialogue, some beautifully shot photography and a biting, cynical view of the music industry (especially for 1962). And Arch Hall Jr., dare I say, is actually pretty good.

This was directed by Ray Dennis Steckler, best known for his really messed-up later works like the superhero comedy Rat Pfink a Boo-Boo and the marquee-busting The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. Even in a black-and-white film, Arch still looks pink, yet Wild Guitar is a solid movie by any standard. —Richard York

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Slipstream (1989)

SlipstreamFrom Tron director Steven Lisberger slips Slipstream, which boasts an “all-star cast” of Mark Hamill, F. Murray Abraham, Ben Kingsley and Bill Paxton. It tries fairly hard, but can’t make the “science fiction spectacular” a movie that sits comfortably in one’s head.

Its story takes place in a post-something future in which cyborgs, bounty hunters and lowlifes symbiotically abide. There’s a “slipstream” or something, that somehow is supposed to indicate that the world and nature are out of sorts. A lot of scenes are thrown in that appear to be there to enhance characters, provoke emotion and induce laughs, yet none of them succeed.

slipstream1Plus, there’s dialogue intended to make Paxton (Twister) the folksy, down-to-earth, Han Solo-type with whom we can all identify. After one of many awkward exchanges between his character and one of the female bounty hunters, he sarcastically quips, “The hospitality of women never ceases to amaze me.” What does that mean? That women are never hospitable? Has the gesture of hospitality always eluded Paxton in his dealings with women, thereby warranting such a response? No one knows!

Additional scenes and snippets make no sense, including a dancing (that’s right, dancing!) scene in which the male cyborg learns to love life, as well as some anonymous female character. It’s supposed to make our hearts swell and eyes tear. I think I held up my middle finger until the scene was over.

With nothing to work with but a beard, Star Wars vet Hamill actually acts fairly unshittily, but Slipstream is quite a mess. I surprised myself by sitting through it until the end. —Richard York

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The Sect (1991)

I hadn’t heard anything about La Setta — aka The Sect, The Devil’s Daughter and Demons 4 — before watching it, but I did so simply because it’s an Italian horror film directed by Michele Soavi (Cemetery Man) and written with the legendary Dario Argento. Looking at the cover, I couldn’t tell what it was about. Looking at the back cover didn’t help, either, because it’s in Italian. Yep, this is one of those movies that could be about anything — funny, because I felt the exact same way after watching it.

It’s supposedly about a woman and her relationship to a sect of Satanists. Lots of things happen. There are lots of squirm-inducing set pieces like bugs up your nose, a scary … well, you know, scary things! Aren’t you scared yet? Context? Sorry. It’s all just ingredients — a plot that isn’t for following, but for yanking you from one contrivance to the next.

The acting isn’t any worse than Soavi’s others, but if your lead actress is going to act like an Italian who’s supposedly an American (or whatever the hell’s going on), you’d better surround that person with a plot that will distract me. As for star Kelly Curtis (Trading Places), her name certainly seems American (and she is, being the sister of Jamie Lee Curtis), but she acts and sounds as if she doesn’t quite have a grasp of the English language or has never observed rational human behavior.

None of her reactions to all the strange goings-on seem very realistic. After having an old man die in your house, then your friend is murdered and then comes briefly back to life to try and kill you, there’s no time to relax, Kelly. It’s time to start figuring shit out. —Richard York

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6 Sexy, Sleazy and Stupid Jess Franco Films

Barbed Wire Dolls (1975) — Probably Franco’s best women-in-prison film, which features all the genre clichés: rampant lesbianism, the butch warden, the pivotal male prison doctor, the inmate who’s already cracked, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Franco is one of those directors who uses nudity as a wardrobe choice. No point in going into the plot; the clichés above pretty much tell the story.

Linda (1981) — This used to be widely available on tape in America (cut, of course) as Captive Women. It’s another captive-women flick made special only by the presence of stars Katja Bienert and Ursula Buchfellner — very beautiful, very naked. You know, I did some research on Katja Bienert. She was born in 1966. Linda was shot in 1980. You do the math. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Stop judging me!

Sadomania (1981) — This women-in-prison outing stars the notorious, exotic transsexual Ajita Wilson as the mean warden. It’s not one of Franco’s sexier (or explicit) outings, but there is plentiful nudity and an umpteenth simple-minded plot variation on The Most Dangerous Game.

Vampire Blues (1999) — Further proof that the madman is still at it, this is a really poorly acted (including Franco himself in a bit part), poorly conceived, shot-on-video, nudity-filled joke. It has horrible music by a horrible band, whose title song is played over and over again. It stars Rachel Sheppard as some girl haunted by vampiric imagery. And she’s the worst fucking actress I’ve seen in quite a while. It was worth every frickin’ dime I spent on it.

Voodoo Passion (1977) — A bright, beautiful and kinky tale, it’s set in Haiti which, I suppose, explains the voodoo part. It’s about a woman who visits her husband who lives in Haiti with his hot, frequently naked sister (the succulent, platinum-blond Karine Gambier). God knows what that’s all about. But it sets the stage for a colorful palette of sex and voodoo, just like the title promises. Also known as Porno Shock.

Rolls Royce Baby (1975) — I always thought that Female Vampire, aka Erotikill was the ultimate Lina Romay film. Almost every frame contained her and her willing nudeness. Boy, was I wrong! Rolls Royce Baby is pure Lina Romay. It’s pretty much all about her picking up hitchhikers for some backseat romping. She’s nonstop nude. What we’re left with is an image of her vagina so thorough and vivid, you could accurately draw it from memory. This is not, however, a Franco film; I cheated. It was directed by Franco’s former frequent producer, Erwin C. Dietrich, who gave Lina/Franco fans what Franco never quite could. Go figure! —Richard York

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