All posts by Ed Donovan

Horror

DeathBed (2002)

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deathbedTanya Dempsey (Shrieker) was one of the most masturbated-to starlets in the direct-to-DVD scene. It’s too bad she was constantly saddled with crappy movies like DeathBed. It seems like with a title like DeathBed, it would have to be good. However, this DeathBed doesn’t cause much death. It also doesn’t cause much sex. Mostly a bunch of dry humping. Dry humping can be good in real life when your pre-teen girlfriend is nervous about going all the way, but in movies the ladies should be ready to give it up. Especially the boobies.

DeathBed is the story of a young couple who move into a new apartment. At the beginning, it wants to be Rosemary’s Baby. Except it is shot on video. And is stupid. But Tanya Dempsey is decent to look at. Also in this movie is a guy named Dukey Flyswatter, whose face looks like dookie, and Joe Estevez (Beach Babes from Beyond). He has a talking parrot that gives plenty of wisecracks. It’s not as funny as LL Cool J’s parrot that gets eated by the shark in Deep Blue Sea. But parrots add production value.

deathbed1The monster in this movie is a bed. That doesn’t sound creepy, does it? Well, it doesn’t really do anything creepy, either. Back in the old days, this would have been a raping bed. But now it just has non-scary ghosts that come out of it. Also, the boyfriend likes to give it to his girlfriend rough when he gives it to her on the DeathBed. That’s about it.

There is a good scene where Tanya Dempsey leans over for a long time and Joe Estevez looks at her cleavage and we get to look at it for a long time, too. This is a fucking B-movie; in B-movies, the chicks are supposed to be naked and getting screwed by trees (The Evil Dead) and fish men (Humanoids from the Deep). And even in one movie, they got screwed by worms. In this movie, there’s not even any nudity or any gore. It’s just boring and tries to act important.

The cover says that this is “Stuart Gordon presents.” Well, Stuart Gordon made Re-Animator and in that movie, the girl almost got screwed by a cut-off head! What is the world coming to? These girls don’t even get naked! This is what political correctness brings.

The director is Danny Draven (Reel Evil), who has made a bunch of other crappy movies. He seems to have a lot of fans. I don’t know why. This one is boring and has Joe Estevez in it. Not even a talking parrot can save that shit. —Ed Donovan

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Sex

Street of a Thousand Pleasures (1972)

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I have never seen more female nudity in a motion picture than the flesh on parade in Street of a Thousand Pleasures. Hell, I have never seen more female nudity anywhere — motion picture or otherwise. For that alone, you really don’t need to read further; just watch it.

What, you’re still here? Fine: For his job, a henpecked husband (Garth Ruger) travels to the Middle East one day, where he saves the life of a sheik (Abdul Ben Hassein). The sheik demonstrates his gratitude by allowing the American the pick of his harem. Plot ends there. (And the moral of the story? Be extra-nice to Middle Easteners.) Every loving remaining minute consists of the guy putting his paws over each of what looks like hundreds of naked women, sampling a little of the all-natural goods before choosing which ones to bed. Uschi Digard and Joyce Mandel are merely two of these bra-busting women, so you really don’t need to read further; just watch it.

Jesus, what gives, people? Okay: The genius of Street is that most of it is shot from our protagonist’s POV, so when he feels a breast or goes in for a quick nipple kiss, the camera is your eye, my friend, so you really don’t need to read further; just watch it.

Unbelievable. You must be female, gay or a recovering victim of breast trauma. Anyway, normally a movie this repetitious would result in flat-out boredom, but for some reason, that’s not the case here — blue balls, maybe, but not boredom. If there’s a beef with it, it’s that you have to see a couple of wangers. But looking on the bright side, the breast-to-penis ratio is something like, what, 4,200 to 3? I lost my ability to count. It’s like director Clay McCord filmed a dream I’ve had regularly since 1981. —Ed Donovan

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Comedy

Monsturd (2003)

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Do you find shit funny? What about farts? Vomit? Disintegrating bloody corpses? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, Monsturd is right up your alley, because it’s about a walking, talking, murdering turd-man. He comes up through your toilet, kills you while you’re pooping and then writes clever one-liners with smeared fecal material on your walls. Don’t get caught with your pants down, indeed!

Monsturd opens with an escaped murderer on the loose (Brad Dosland, Retardead). He comes into contact with some toxic wasted that has been dumped by some evil scientists. The toxic waste cause his DNA to be fused with the feces in the sewer and thus is born … Monsturd! Since Monsturd does his murderous business while people are taking a crap, his killing spree threatens to shut down the town’s beloved Chili Festival. Something must be done!

For the most part, this horror spoof is played completely straight with lots of great deadpan dialogue. A lot of the humor does revolve around the deuce — and one excessively great vomit sequence — but also great writing. Creators Dan West and Rick Popko steal scene after scene in their roles as bumbling sheriff’s deputies.

West and Popko have done an excellent job of creating a high-quality and highly watchable flick on a shoestring budget. Don’t let the fact that it’s shot on video scare you away, because the production values are high all-around. There is also some gore that is plenty gruesome, but at the same time, cartoony enough to be fun.

If Monsturd has a flaw, it’s that there is almost too much going on. The movie never really slows down to give you time to associate with a central character. It opens with lots of people running around with great urgency and they pretty much keep running for the movie’s 80-minute running time.

There is nothing that is all that original about it, either. You’ve seen the toxic monster, the mad scientists, the bumbling deputies and the H.G. Lewis-style gore in plenty of other movies. But the film has a goofy enthusiasm and manic energy that helps to pack all these traditional elements into a fresh loaf. —Ed Donovan

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Kitchen Sink

Townies (1999)

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Townies is a sleazy flick about a group of strange characters in a town called Schlarb, Ohio. (Imagine a black-and-white Hal Hartley film cast with recently discharged mental patients.) Scharb is a nice enough little town, but is suddenly being overrun by weirdos, freaks and goons. In true B-movie tradition, it is these freaks and goons that are the heroes of the piece. It’s the “normals” that you have to watch out for.

Director Wayne Alan Harold (Killer Nerd) introduces his ensemble, then moves briskly into the story, which includes necrophilia, martial arts, kidnapping and squirrel-eating. Townies definitely evokes early, rough-around-the-edges John Waters works, but retains its own sensibility.

While the movie is filled with bizarre characters and disgusting situations, Harold somehow manages to inject quite a bit of actual drama and emotion into the film. Clocking in at a mere 71 minutes, it moves at a brisk pace and never has a chance to get boring.

Townies was shot on a budget of $300, and serves as a great example of overcoming all kinds of limitations, especially budgetary. It has a completely stripped-down, grainy look. But the characters are interesting, the locations look like they’ve been carefully chosen, the movie is very well directed and it’s actually funny! Most of the time, I can’t even watch low-budget DV movies. I’m never “caught up” in them, like a viewer should be. I didn’t have that problem with Townies at all. It’s gross, humorous and even a little touching at times. —Ed Donovan

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Sex

Spiderbabe (2003)

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In the Spider-Man spoof Spiderbabe, Misty Mundae plays Patricia Porker, a hot female nerd who is bitten by her science teacher’s giant arachnid. At first, she just feels sick, but then a car comes along and — whoosh! — she is crawling on the walls of a building. Spider-Man enthusiasts will recall this scene from the classic Amazing Fantasy #15. Director Johnny Crash obviously knows his stuff when it comes to Marvel Comics lore.

After this exciting sequence, Spiderbabe continues as a pitch-perfect parody of the Spidey origin story, except there are a few important differences. Most importantly, as with the other films in the Seduction Cinema “multiverse,” the chicks get into the lesbionic action at the drop of a hat. Also, all the major Spidey characters are re-imagined as females. This comes in handy when Patricia tries to convince her boss at the newspaper not to run negative Spiderbabe stories. Also, instead of shooting webs from her wrists, she shoots webs from her nether-regions. Her web-squirting genitals come as quite a surprise to everyone in the movie, including Spiderbabe herself.

Crash does a great job of keeping the action moving at comic-book speed. You know it’s a good sign when you are eager for the lesbian sequences to reach their climax so the real action can resume. The special effects are good in a low-budget, “Look, Ma! I know how to use Adobe After Effects” style. There are a few embarrassing sequences, such as the final shot when Spiderbabe jumps onto the Statue of Liberty’s shoulder. Also, the wall-crawling action just felt a little bit fake. But overall, the movie looks amazing.

If there is anything lacking about Spiderbabe, it is the villain. Fem-tillian just seems stupid to me and, more importantly, is not a direct parody of any of the real Spider-Man’s rogue’s gallery. Just imagine the erotic possibilities of Doctor Octopus or the Rhino. Nevertheless, Spiderbabe is a real treat for fans of Spidey, B-movies and lesbians. And that is something I think we can all agree on. —Ed Donovan

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