Pardon me, but my American heritage is showing. Since childhood, I’ve occasionally confused Heidi with Pippi Longstocking. One Euro white-girl kid-lit icon is the same as another, right?

Until now. Heidi is the one who says, “Rest in cheese, bitch,” as she shoves a rubber hose of milk up her enemy’s pooper. According to the movie Mad Heidi, that is. (Or is that action part of 1880 canon?)

For 20 years, all cheese has been illegal, except the Meili’s brand (“Now 30% lactose!”), owned by and named for the president of Switzerland (Dracula 3000’s Casper Van Dien, clearly having a ball). As the Swiss National Day celebration approaches, Meili schemes with his chief cheese scientist (Pascal Ulli) to ensure his cheese will make his subjects “dumb as fuck.”

But not if mountain girl Heidi (newcomer Alice Lucy) can help it. After her goat-farming boyfriend (Kel Matsena) is murdered for his underground goat cheese operation by Meili’s Kommandant Knorr (the Joe Pesci-esque Max Rüdlinger), she trains in the ways of pointy spears for vengeance.

Her pigtails and Swiss Miss clothing belie her prison-honed makeover as a killing machine, programmed with quips straight from a discarded draft of the Book of Schwarzenegger. “Now that’s what I call a swan song,” she states upon murdering a man with his accordion.

As if you needed telling, the movie is a side-of-barn broad comedy packed with cheese puns, cheese sight gags and cheese allusions — all played out by the second scene. If you think I’ve gone overboard with the word “cheese,” director and co-writer Johannes Hartmann takes note and exclaims, “No whey!”

All a goof, Mad Heidi is cut from the same cheesecloth as the ironic likes of Sharknado, Snakes on a Plane or Hobo with a Shotgun, desperately and transparently attempting to achieve instant cult status through sheer willpower. It doesn’t deserve it, nor will it be granted that, yet the flick is hardly a cash grab or lazy exercise.

Mad Heidi is best when it parodies the women-in-prison subgenre or goes strictly for gore, as purposely garish as the Alps are spacious (and no doubt the influence of Troma veteran Trent Haaga as one of four screenwriters). However, no moment is as funny or knowing than its Swissploitation Films title animation, spoofing the Paramount logo. I give Hartmann and his cast credit for dedicating 110% of themselves to the joke, even if it would work better as a 90-second fake trailer than the 90-minute feature it is. —Rod Lott

Get it at Amazon.

Six months before William Wellman Jr. and James Stacy went all Winter a-Go-Go in a Beach Party knockoff, they had themselves A Swingin’ Summer in a Beach Party knockoff.

As the respective Rick and Mickey, Wellman and Stacy play different characters than they would that Winter. With Rick’s scorching-hot redheaded girlfriend in tow (Quinn O’Hara, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, the California teens head to Lake Arrowhead for the weeklong job at its dance pavilion. When that gainful employment opportunity suddenly dries up, they decide to run it themselves, Andy Hardying the heck out of the place. That way, the likes of Gary Lewis & the Playboys, The Righteous Brothers and The Rip Chords can give full performances — each rockin’ and rousin‘ — to fill precious running time.

No doubt director Robert Sparr (Once You Kiss a Stranger …) was all for that plan, seeing as how the script is absent a plot. Prepare for one light kidnapping, some fistfighting, one instance of asphalt surfing and a lot of butt-shaking, not to mention gratuitous Frugging with a side of Watusi.

Not long after Mickey creepily takes a tape measure to girls’ bikini-topped busts (two decades before Screwballs‘ similar but rapeier breast-exam prank), he engages in a “poultry contest,” which is to say a game of chicken on water skis. Most teenpics would slate such an action-packed sequence as the climax, but A Swingin’ Summer instead sticks it in the middle section. That leaves room for quite the twist ending: that the psych student played by a debuting Raquel Welch — shrinking heads while enlarging others — is actually hot, once she removes her glasses and shakes her hair out of a bun. Can you fucking believe it?

Fun enough and equally inconsequential, Swingin’ dog-paddles behind the aforementioned AIP fare. Still, by recruiting Pajama Party’s Diane Bond as The Girl in the Pink Polka Dot Bikini, it’s doing something right. Pop a cap on a return-for-deposit bottle of Bubble Up, then press play. —Rod Lott

Get it at dvdparty.